Not So Simple

Last week I went to my oldest sister’s house. I had to go to get my dog, Nutmeg’s teeth cleaned and the place I take her is in the city my sister lives (about a 3.5 hr drive from where I live). I obviously could take her to a vet in my own town/city BUT it would cost me an arm and a leg. The clinic I take her to charges a fraction of the price. Ultimately it’s worth the drive and gives me an excuse to visit my sister and her family. 

It was a pretty good week. I never tire of sitting down with my oldest sister and getting her counsel. She is such an example to me – she’s honestly amazing.

Over the course of the week (and presently) I had a lot on my mind. And that means my brain refuses to shut off. Night after night I’d be up and then in the day I’d be exhausted and overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions. As much as I loved being with my sister and her family, I’m pretty sure I made for poor company. But they loved me anyway and I did my best to not let my mood ruin my time with them.

I could write countless blog posts on the thoughts that have plagued me over the course of this last week and weeks prior BUT  there is something in the back of my mind telling me to figuratively bite my tongue. Perhaps it’s too personal or perhaps if I write about it there is no going back, regardless to the outcome. My doubts, insecurities, and frustrations would be published and what if it all worked out… then I would have spoken ill for my audience to read and the reconciliation would be tainted.

There is a lot of emotion welling up inside of me. There is a part of me longing to write about it all because my brain is exploding and this blog is my outlet BUT for now I will refrain.

Perhaps I’ll find a constructive way to write about it without being so emotional. But alas I am an emotional person so the odds are not in my favor.

Sorry that it’s not an interesting blog post… but it’s enough to show I’m alive and illustrate the turmoil my mind is in. Something others have told me is so simple is crippling me. I’m sure if you have bipolar you can relate. 

Simple isn’t always simple. 

– Steph

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Take a Deep Breath


If ever there is a zombie apocalypse I want to make sure I am not on the city train during rush hour. When you are jam packed like a sardine I feel like the likelihood of survival is decreased. Just food for thought.

It’s Monday, the start of a fresh new week.

I made an error on Friday at work and didn’t have enough time to fix it, so I was panicked for Monday BUT my supervisor told me this morning not to worry about it. And I was able to fix it. Problem solved, I stressed and lost sleep over the entire weekend for nothing.

Isn’t that the case. We stress over something and then when the time comes to face it, it’s not that bad. You’d think I’d learn – dozens of doctor appointments going over my anxiety and yet some how it always manifests itself. Mind you, it’s a lot more subdued. 

Don’t fret, breathe and know that whatever comes you aren’t going to die from it. Coming into work that’s what I kept telling myself. 

Mistakes happen, I’m a student on practicum, I’m learning. And even if I was an employee, mistakes happen. There is no need to kill yourself over them. They will come and go and you will remain. Just take a deep breath, learn from them and all will be well.

– Steph

Was it Really Worth it?

No pain. No glory. 

The things we do to look good, honestly now. My heel has been nicely butchered – the sacrifice I made to wear a cute pair of shoes. 

Mind you, I had no idea these shoes would leave my heel nice and bloody. It was a gamble I made, and I lost. New shoes are always a gamble. Rarely have I ever worn a new pair of shoes that haven’t left my heels in agonizing pain. My left heel more so than my right  (don’t ask me why) . And the other day that’s exactly what happened. 

I had that sexy “I’m in pain” walk going on – and it was only 7:30 a.m. BOY did it turn into a long day quickly. Before I left my house I had this feeling I should pack a bandaid, but did I listen to that inner voice? Nope. Should I have? Yup. What was the result? Pain. 

Always listen to that inner voice and always have bandaids packed in your purse, a lesson you’d think I’d learn. 

– Steph

Me? Crazy?

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Not that I condone violence… but c’mon who doesn’t find this awesome?!

A. It references my crazy
B. It talks about Unicorns
C. All of the above

I felt like posting something funny today because it’s Wednesday. Its the middle of the week and as such, something funny is always appropriate.

I don’t think anyone is ever too old for unicorns, or maybe I’m like Peter Pan… and I never grow up. Forever young.

I honeslty do like to think I’m young at heart, and in my opinion that’s a good thing. There are so many adult stressors & hardships that we have to face everyday AND sometimes all we need to do is stop, take a step back drink some chocolate milk, followed by a bowl (or two) of lucky charms and laugh about unicorns.

It’s all very therapeutic for the soul. Doctor approved… alright it’s not Doctor approved BUT it’s got scientific qualifications… alright maybe it doesn’t have that either…. BUT… it will make you happy… guaranteed.

It’s actually very funny… I’ve turned 24 BUT lately everyone I meet (whether its at school or social gatherings) thinks I’m 19-21!! They reassure me it’s not because I’m immature… it’s rather I look young (I don’t see it) and I have a exuberant zealous attitude about life, living it and having fun with it. Also, apparently I’m not caught up on being serious all the time. HECK! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

I have a theory that maybe I seem like I’m 19-21 because during that age I was lost in turmoil, and I never got to really live or love life… so now that my life is “mine” I’m picking up where I left off.
That’s just a theory… dun dun dun frozen in time! 

Or … I’m just forever young which also fits another theory I have.

Regardless! I hope you smiled today. I hope you appreciated the element of unicorns that crossed your path with this post and I hope you can take a step back and appreciating the vibrance your soul has.

– Steph

Grace and Poise All the Way

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I like to live life on the edge. Just kidding, when it comes to edges I literally don’t see them thus I do my own stunts. Aka falling… with grace…. okay, okay maybe not grace.

Now, if you’ve ever felt embarrassed just remember the following story and maybe you’ll feel a bit better about yourself… or if you feel nervous, think about this story and hopefully it will replace your nerves with a nice laugh.

Once upon a time on Tuesday, I was at my university. It was one of those days where my hair was on point my outfit was on point; I was feeling and lookin‘ good. I had on a nice skirt with some cute chunky heeled boots. (My skirt was more form fitting SO thank goodness for that!)

Anyways, after one of my classes my friends and I decided we were going grab Starbucks. We walked to a different buildings on our campus … and gracefully entered its automatic doors. I ordered my Vanilla Bean Frappe; all was well (If you’ve never tried this drink I RECOMMEND it highly! It’s like heaven in a cup!)

Eventually we were leaving the building and I was trailing behind my friends. I had my Starbucks in one hand and my phone in the other (yes…we could go so far as to say I was a distracted walker)

NOW in my defence, as you enter this particular building the platform before the doors is circular. I’ve only ever walked straight off of the main sidewalk onto the entryway and thru the doors. No steps. BUT little did I realize, if you deviate walking straight up the center of this circle, steps start to develop! If you go to the right side of the circle one stair develops, if you go over a bit more two stairs develop. Are you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

So… now picture this… I’m walking thru the automatic doors, the wind blowing thru my hair like a photo shoot (maybe that part isn’t true but we’re going to go with it) I’m exuding confidence; these two good looking guys are directly infront of me and there are students all around and BAM!

My toes hook onto the unbeknownst step infront of me. My arms  splayed out like I had been shot in the back and I began to fall forward landing in a prayer position with a nice kurplunk! Having let out a nice little “urraaahhhh!” as I fell.

The two boys instantly jumped and turned around asking if I was okay – and literally all I could do was laugh! I was killing myself laughing holding up one hand while I tried to say everything was okay. My friends at this point we’re coming towards me asking “what the heck happened?!” They literally just heard a plop and there I was on the ground.

It was honestly so hilarious, one of those moments that you see in life and say “phew! Thank goodness that wasn’t me!” But it was me! My friend said she would have been so embarrassed because so many people witnessed it, but in all honesty laughing it off made it not that big of a deal. Just an incredibly funny story.

I managed to come out alive with a bloody knee & my Starbucks still intact to comfort me. I also managed to secure some bonus fall accessories namely, a cast and some crutches. There’s nothing quite like “Fall” Fashion.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!

– Steph

When Your Blood Starts to Boil

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This picture illustrated me perfectly yesterday during and after my doctor’s appointment. I usually enjoy seeing my Psychiatrist, Dr. M …. BUT yesterday… not so much.

This blog post will be a bit of a rant so I aplogize in advance BUT maybe you’ll understand or perhaps you’ve experienced the same situation/ emotions.

First off, when I came into the office Dr. M was sitting in a seat that was not behind his desk. Rather, a student was sitting behind his desk; I’d met her in my previous appointment, which I wasn’t exactly thrilled about either – I don’t like people sitting in on my appointments. At all.

Last time a student tried to conduct the appointment… it ended badly. I had an anxiety attack and he ended up being escorted out of the room and any future appointments he did not sit in… haha … yah my anxiety can work up pretty intense…. I just don’t like the idea of someone who has no right to know my business ask me questions about my private life, my medical life … about me in general. Students are awesome, I’m all for learning BUT I do not like them delving into my sessions. Those are private. That rant aside….

Dr. M, smiled and looked at me explaining how Ms.Student would lead the discussion and this would be a good and safe way for me to work on my anxiety considering the last student experience…. yah yah yah. No. Not impressed. So throughout my session my answers were minimalistic and I couldn’t help but look at Dr. M as I answered instead of Ms.Student. I don’t have a relationship of trust with Ms.Student so disclosing information feels wrong. If that makes sense. (My arms were crossed the whole time … yes that’s definitely body language BUT it was also to help me from not working myself up I usually start tapping or hitting a leg or arm when I start getting wound up or I’ll run my fingers up and down unintentionally marking one area of my arm… so folded arms were safe)

So the appointment went on and this is where it get ugly…. I start school on September 8th, all my classes have been pre scheduled for me and lo and behold Mon – Thurs all start at 8 am. I live 45 mins out of the city and then the train ride to my school will be 45 mins…. see how much travel time there is? BUT the kicker is I will have to be up at 5am. 5am, in order to get ready and be out of my house on time to avoid traffic. HOW in the world am I supposed to wake up on time?! Or rather stay awake!? With my Seroquel Quetiapine I take 600mg and then 200mg Lamotragine… the seroquel knocks me out solid for 9 hrs… anything before that and I’m a drunk stumbling around hitting walls. If o havr a lower dose I dont seem to sleep. (If I’m in manic… medication doesnt matter pertaining to sleep… because I’m too happy)

Anyway I’ve been working for the past 8 months to “get a grip”, “prepare myself for school”… I’ve mentioned before my concern with sleep & drowsiness … in this appointment I told them “9 hours is Too MUCH” … I’d be happy with 6 or 7… yah no they are adamant it’s 8+

How in the world am I supposed to have a life if I have to go to bed at 9pm. That’s stupid. How am I supposed to study for school? go out with friends? Go to work?? Like what the heck??

So the option thrown out is take my mood stabilizer and decrease it by 100mg… which makes me nervous because I literally just started to feel like I had a grip on life. The other option go to bed as early as an old lady. Or the real winner try out different medications. ALL RIGHT BEFORE I START A NEW SEMESTER IN A NEW SCHOOL! wow… yah… let’s play with fire just as a plethora of new stressor enter my life.

Not impressed. My doctor want me to try lowering the dose by 100… I need to call if I feel off. He is worried about anxiety since obviously that med assists with my anxiety. And he was adamant and reiterated to me “that I should not at any point stop taking my medication”. Honeslty it’s never been a real thought up until lately. As much as I feel like I have a life. All this stupid sleep is stealing it from me…

So basically I was incredibly displeased with everything involving that appointment. I’m stressed to the max about school now… which I am excited for BUT I feel the joy being sucked out if it…

Perhaps a bit dramatic of a post. But holy cow. I don’t even know. I feel like everything blew up in my face in one hour after months of trying to get things under control.

– Steph 

One, Two Skip A Few

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Today is one of those days that makes all other chaos freeze. One of my best friends flew in for a visit, I haven’t seen her for 3 years BUT that time and distance has not detracted from out friendship. And over the course of the past 4 days we’ve had so much to laugh about and we have built some magnificent memories including a few firsts, such as canoeing  (My friend had never before canoed)

I’ve honeslty never been one to have an overwhelming amount of “friends” I’ve often stuck to myself BUT over time I’ve had the honor of meeting some incredible people that I sincerely felt I could call my “friend”.

I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had many acquaintances throughout my life BUT the quantity of those relationships were never AND are not even remotely close to the quality of the few friendships that I have developed. My father always told me “it’s better to be alone than in bad company”,  I hold that advice with high regard. It’s fair to say that when I’ve let that rule of thumb slip I suffered the consequences.

Be open to friendship; although I thrive on my own I have never passed up the opportunity to invest in a worthwhile human being BECAUSE I think there is a rarity that surrounds meeting someone who you truly get to feel “at home with.”

I had the honor over this busy weekend to make a new friend. Although it’s early on I am confident that our friendship is going to grow and build into something wonderful. “We clicked” a silly little cliche that holds it’s own.

Here’s to a new week, filled with new opportunities and new beginnings.

Never doubt your worth, never lower your standard to appeal to someone that had no intentions of lifting you up but instead only pulls you down. Keep good company & Keep growing! 

– Steph