2 Out Of 10

So I had a completely different post ready for today, alas this post came to my mind last night and was written this morning and I’m using it instead.

I have been in a bit of a weird mood lately and I think that has magnified some body issues that I have. It’s no secret I’ve battled with my weight especially since being medicated BUT as I mentioned in a previous post I’ve joined weight watchers and I am down 16 lbs which is huge win because I haven’t been able to drop anything after the 10lbs I lost on my own. You would think I’d be happy with this. Believe me – I am, but I know there is still 10-15lbs to go, thus I am not thrilled with where I am at. It’s not only that. I realized this past month or so that I’ve been killing myself with self talk in the worst way.

Self talk is some thing I’ve blogged about on many occasions and I firmly believe it can make a huge impact on your life. After my engagement photos I ripped my appearance apart. I cried when I saw the photos and I’m not sure if I’ve completely recovered. I’ve never wanted to get cosmetic surgery BUT after that photo shoot the idea crossed my mind on numerous occasions, I even looked into clinics in my city. Furthermore, one of my best friends just a had a minor procedure done. I’m never going to encourage someone to alter their appearance (she is gorgeous without it) BUT it made me want to do it myself.

I look thru social media on the daily and I think that’s also been messing with me. What’s real? What’s fake? What’s photoshopped? Whats not? It’s mind blowing the types of apps they have that alter your appearance. And the types of procedures available to get the “perfect look”.

I feel naive to be buying into the glam that some of these people have but I look at them and I look at myself and I’m like wow maybe I’m a 2 out of a 10. Maybe I’m not, but I’ve been talking to myself like I am.

I used to consider myself someone who was dressed on point, makeup and hair was on point and now – I rarely do my hair in a style, my make up is sub-par and my clothes remind me of a librarian. I think the fact I hate my sense of style is affecting my mood. Heck. I don’t even think I can say I have a style at this point.

To a degree I feel like I’ve lost part of my identity and maybe that’s why I’m so upset. I used to feel so inspired when I put together a look and now I drag my feet because I’m not happy with any of the outcomes. So then I think I’ll look online to find inspiration and BAM it makes me feel like I’m a 2 out of 10 again.

The more medicated I’ve become the less creative flaire I’ve had in so many aspects if my life. I’m calling myself out on it BECAUSE I want it to change. I want to be the girl up till 2 am designing and sewing because fashion was my life. I haven’t sewn in the past 3 years or sketched. Nada. When I go to design I draw a blank. I have no sense of style to build on. I feel like I’ve lost it all.

To add to it…. it’s not to blame but within my religion it’s encouraged to adhere to certain modesty standards and because I want my actions to reflect my faith I adhere to these standards (I haven’t always when I was younger) this makes certain styles and things that I’m drawn towards unacceptable. This is super frustrating and something I’ve struggled with. Like I said I haven’t always adhered to the standards and that’s probably when I liked my style the most as sad as it is to say. Right now I feel so bland. I feel like my selection is limited and consists of the same silhouettes which are boring in my eyes right now – maybe they won’t always be. Maybe it’s my mentality that is preventing me from seeing the style within my limits but I just feel stuck.

I feel like I have a mental block and it’s been there for a while and I’ve been putting it off, telling myself it’s not a big deal or it will sort itself out on its own. It hasn’t. And I’m unhappy with where I am.

At this point I feel like I’ve been a let down for my fiance. He loves me and tells me how beautiful I am BUT he has rarely seen me look completely put together. I think now that I am getting married and in this relationship there is a part of me that is saying “step up your game you have so much more to offer!” I’ve been so numb to expressing myself out side of this blog and writing and even then sometimes I struggle to post because I feel like I have nothing to say.

I feel like I don’t even know where to begin to pull myself out of this bleak hole. I just want to feel creative and comfortable with how I look again. I love me. I love myself. But my agonizing criticism isn’t reflecting that.

It’s important to have an identity with your appearance, and I think that’s why I’m so upset. I feel like I have no identity. I feel so uninspired.

I honestly just don’t even know.

I wish I had some positive outlook to express in this post but I’ve got NIL.

I think I’ll challenge myself to say one positive thing about myself for the rest of the month. I need to get a grip on my self talk and show myself a little more love. Right now my self talk isn’t cutting it. I know it’s a problem that if I don’t face will do damage and potentially ruin all the work I’ve done to have a happy loving relationship with myself. That’s a break up I don’t want.

I always encourage self love and I think that’s why I wanted to make this post. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and this is my journey, I am human and sometimes I fall off the wagon – which I have, and I am presently working to get back on it.

I don’t know my friends.

I guess chin up. I know I’ll come out on the other side. I’ll find my groove I’ll work on my creativity as silly as that sounds. Hopefully sooner than later. I’ll find some inspiration and I’m sure before I know I’ll feel like I can strut down a runway…. or not BUT it’s a nice idea.

I’m sorry if this post seems all over. I’m having a hard time keeping up with everything I’m thinking and I don’t know if it’s translating into a post that makes sense.

I have some serious work to do.

– Steph

Step One

  
Such beautiful words. With so much truth behind them. 

A new week is upon us, with infinite opportunities and all we need to do is take the first step. We don’t need to know the entire staircase, we don’t need to know how long before we reach the top – all we need to know is that we will reach it if we take one step at a time (sometimes we may even take 2 or 3 steps depending on the day)

Has anyone ever done the stairmaster – it’s a creation designed to torture mankind… just kidding it’s a glorious machine that can create buns of steel BUTT …. I mean BUT in order to do that you need to take the first step on it’s never ending staircase. Sometimes the goal is 50 flights of stairs sometimes it’s 100, sometimes it’s 20 minutes and sometimes it’s until you can’t feel your legs any more. Regardless to the goal, the only way to succeed is to take the first step and then taking it one step at a time subsequently. 

This week take the first step towards a goal you’ve been dreaming about starting. Just do it. Take the first step to loving yourself a little better. Take the first step to going for a walk outside to get some fresh air ( there have actually been studies that tell us having exposure outside for 10 minutes can improve our mood… fancy fact… I’m not saying it will cure the mood but it may help even just a little… Something to do with the uv rays)

Take the first step to change. Take the first step to improve. Take the first step to treat yourself better (and make sure others treat you better too). Take the first step to find your self worth, for yourself. Take the first step and then take it one step at a time after. Breathe and pace yourself. You can do it.

Here’s to a new week of new opportunities, all we need to do is take the first step. And as you go up the staircase just think how strong you are becoming with each new step – each step is redefining who you are and what you are capable of and don’t forget it.

– Steph

All You Need To Do Is Breathe

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Today is a work free day.

And sometimes we need to take days like today. No To Do Lists, No micro managing time, No appointments, No engagements to attend, No people to host, No expectations for being productive, No spending money… etcetera etcetera

Literally a day where all we are obligated to do is breathe. Isn’t that a scary nice thought. These days may be few and far in between BUT I think it’s important that when they occur we embrace them.

I read an article once about people who are literally addicted to “being busy”. Addicted … and what are the symptoms that illustrate such an addiction? Sadness and inadequacy… individuals who thrive off being busy, feel like they are a let down if every minute of every day isn’t filled with a task. “Me Time” is a waste of time. A waste of productivity.

Honestly, I think there are times when I get caught up and take my schedule to an unhealthy place (as mentioned above)… where the feeling is … that if I’m not doing something I’m a let down and lazy. BUT the reality is – I’m not.

I’ve read a lot of books about self- improvement and success and there is always a common recommendedation between all authors… and it’s “Me Time” at least an hour a day dedicated to oneself. Aside from the authors suggesting it, my doctors have also reiterated to me. Self care and that means learning to breathe, learning that things don’t have to be going 100 miles/min to show we are capable of life. Learning that our value is not based on our timetable. That’s how we burn out. How we raise anxiety. And just miss out on life in general. Life can’t be micro-planned & managed ….because life happens.

Obviously everyday can’t be a vacation, but you should give yourself a day every now and then. Just to breathe. For instance my cleaning will be done tomorrow, it could get done today BUT heck to the heazy NO! Today is just a breathe in and breathe out go with the flow day… I’ll schedule it in tomorrow.

I’ve been laying in my hammock writing this post enjoying the warm weather and listening to the water fountain in the lake behind my house. It’s peaceful and beautiful and my only responsibility is to enjoy it without looking at my watch.

Happy Wednesday,
Take In & Let Out a deep breath for me ūüôā

– Steph

Make a Move Monday! (2)

Positive Fitness

(Photo Credit: BuzzFeed)

 

Week¬†1 was a success! I am so proud of my sister E! Monday – Friday at the gym with me & Saturday we did our 5 hr hiking adventure! We will be doing our measurements at the end of week 2 (Just a heads up). Biking and boxing were¬†a go¬†for me … up until I was rained out (cons of hanging my bag outside) BUT I’m back at it with the sunshine this week.

Quickly I want to say I love this quote!¬†It’s something I try to remind myself and my sister(s) of¬†constantly AND¬†you should remind yourself of it too! (if you forget don’t¬†fret I will always be here to remind you, I got cho’back)¬†This quote¬†aligns with the notion of¬†positive thinking AND believe me you will get so much further in life when you are kind to yourself.

How much easier do you think it would be if you went to work out thinking, “WOW, I’m AWESOME! Not only have I taken my health into my own hands BUT I’m about to enhance my gorgeous self into an even more GORGEOUS HEALTHY SELF DAY BY DAY! DANG I’m goooood!”¬†Alright… alright! That may seem overly peppy but I’m sure you get my point. I’d so much rather motivate myself to work out thinking positive¬†thoughts¬†about myself as opposed to “I’m so gross, I can’t even stand to look at myself, there’s no way I’ll ever be beautiful, if¬†I work out maybe I’ll be able to change all of this ugly…¬†yah, I¬†need to go workout because I hate everything about me” This¬†is¬†another extreme perspective. Honestly I’ve had both BUT the voice in my head that has kept me going to the gym for this past year has been the first one. Having a self love. A respect for myself and all the potential I have. Embracing the way my body is naturally (CURVEY) and working to enhance those features erase them. BE CONFIDENT with your unique package you offer, YOU are absolutely beautiful and when you finally let yourself accept that truth… motivation to embrace a healthier version of yourself will come that much more easier.

Sometimes its a slow process… for example I like my nose. That may sound silly but it’s the truth. I have my mothers nose and I love it. Take a look at yourself, and if you need to take small steps towards loving yourself – do it! Maybe you have amazing nails. Maybe your hair¬†is in the same league as¬†Rapunzel’s. Maybe you have amazing looking toes! Or your eyes could mesmerize an entire army!¬†Start small if you have to BUT start! Let yourself see the magic that transpires from loving yourself into a healthier happier¬†you!

 

The joy I feel in my heart when my sister looks at me with determination to finish an exercise she never thought she’d be able to do in the first place; priceless. The joy I’ve felt when my¬†sister¬†has told me¬†she’s starting to feel more confident in herself and she has confidence in her ability to reach her health goals; priceless. She is beginning to look at herself in a different light, I always tell her “We don’t work out because we hate our bodies, We workout because we love them.” Remember that and keep at it! Slow and steady, remember¬†a step no matter how small is still progress and you need to give yourself some credit for it.

With that my dearly beloved, I’m off to the gym with E right now to have¬†a late night pump! Enjoy and Happy Fitness!

-Steph