Just Another Toad

Unfortunately, I’ve done exactly what this quote says. 

There is no going back.

I’ve gone and done it again. I picked a toad who I mistook as my prince.

I don’t even know why – 

There were plenty of red flags. I should have left sooner than later BUT I kept justifying his behaviour, telling myself it would change.

It’s all just been a sick twisted game to him. And I obliged and played along. Crazy. 

There is no changing men like my newly titled EX. They live for control, they are so good at making you feel like you’re the problem. Making you feel guilty for deserving more. 

I saw it. I watched it unfold. 

I broke up with him and apologized for it! Who does that?!

I’ve been so caught up in making him happy at all costs that I let myself down in the process. 

He painted the perfect picture of what our life would be and look like BUT the reality is it was no where near it and it was never going to get there.

I just clung onto the dream. 

This wasn’t my first rodeo with abuse. But he sure did a number in a short amount of time. 

It’s unreal what love or what you think is love can do to you. 

I was losing my mind –

I was at war with myself trying to walk away, I tried numerous times and failed. He wasn’t all bad and I would go back to his pleas and empty promises. He needed me. 

All he needed was to abuse me. There’s a big difference.

How disappointing. I’ve done so much to better myself and I let this fool into my life. I have a standard I’ve worked hard to build up and I let him creep in. He was so cunning.

But it’s over. He’s gone. I didn’t even walk away, I think a more accurate dipiction is me army crawling out of a battlefield. But I made it out. 

Don’t ignore the signs. 

My doctors asked if I think I deserve to be treated so poorly. 

I don’t. 

I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Lesson learned … again. 

Never again. 

There is no room in my life for the likes of him. No room for toxicity. I’ve worked so hard to rid my life of it. He isn’t the exception. 

Does it hurt? Yes.

But when you care it’s always going to hurt BUT that’s not a reason to stay. It will hurt you far worse if you do.

I didn’t lose anything by breaking up with him. I gained everything.

I’m sorry if this post is disappointing and is doom and gloom, but I’m putting it out there because maybe someone else is stuck in the cycle (like I was) and needs to know they can get out AND they will be better off for it. It’s a chapter of my life that is gratefully over. I’m human and I am flawed but I’m trying my best. 

I have so many things to be grateful for. So many positive things happening in my life and now I can focus on them without being dragged down.

Focus on the good and let the bad go. He had to go.

I have goals in my life and being happy is one of them. Being happy is a constant goal that shouldn’t be dismissed by anyone. 

Be strong. 

Even though I look back and shake my head for letting myself be in a relationship with a psycho – I am looking back. It’s in the past, I am moving forward because I am strong and resilient. 

I’m single again, not ideal BUT far better than being in a toxic relationship. It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

There is a prince out there for me and we’ll meet soon enough. I don’t doubt that.  

– Steph 

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Protect Yourself 


I really needed this quote. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in someone – in their behaviour. 

We work so hard to find peace in ourselves to create peace in ourselves. Don’t let the behaviour of someone else destroy it. 

I have.

There have been times in my life where I’ve tried to normalize destructive behaviour. I’d make excuses for the individual because I wanted them to be in my life. 

But at what cost?

At the cost of me. And truth be told, it has never been worth it. 

I deserve more. You deserve more. 

We should never have to justify someone treating us poorly. It just shouldn’t happen. It’s so easy to tell yourself that things will be different. That they didn’t really mean it. 

But they did. 

Otherwise they wouldn’t have to apologize a hundred times for the same hurt they’ve caused you. That’s if they even apologize.

Reality is you can’t change someone. Sure you can identify that you want to help them be better – be happier. You can see their potential. And there is nothing wrong with that. It’s good. But, you can’t change someone and their behaviour, they can only do that for themselves. 

However, let them be in your life long enough and they can change you. They can destroy your inner peace. Hack away at your confidence. Get in your head. Make you the problem when you’re not. Things can get ugly when we allow someone toxic into our life.

Save yourself the suffering and walk away. 

Sure, give them the opportunity to change BUT know your limit. When you have a time frame it makes walking away so much more attainable. And when you walk away try your darndest to not look back (something I’m working on). They had their chance. And now it’s time that you got yours. 

You deserve a chance to be happy. A chance to have peace in your life.  A chance to be treated properly by someone else. 

There are billions of people in this world. You don’t need to let a single person ruin your happy. There are so many more that could add to your life instead of taking away from it.

Don’t justify destructive behaviour. Call it what it is. Identify the problem so you can solve it. 

Protect yourself. Protect everything you’ve worked for and don’t let anyone tear you down.

– Steph 

Empty Promises


Last week was a whirlwind of emotions. So pardon my lack of posting.

Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out. Lo and behold you don’t. 

When is enough, enough? 

When is someone’s behaviour no longer acceptable? At what point do you reach the end of the line where their excuses aren’t good enough any more, and you aren’t going to take them.

When do we check out? 

I honestly don’t know. I’d like to say as soon as we know we are being treated wrong. 

But that’s the thing – 

We stand up for ourselves when we know we are being treated wrong. We go thru that motion, that expression of self. But then what? 

We give them another chance and they hurt and disappoint us. We stand up for ourselves again demanding a change – to be treated better and then we accept their apology and BAM we go right back into that cycle. And for what? Love? But can it really be love when its one sided?

Sadly, yes it can be. For you it can be. For you it can be a pure love felt for the other person BUT the reality is they arent loving you back the same – if at all. It’s not healthy. Not for you. You give and give and give and you get nothing in return except emotional torment.

Yet, here we are trying to convince ourselves that we aren’t allowing ourselves to be suckered into some sort of toxic relationship – because how could we be when the other person knows that we know we should be treated better. That can’t be toxic, everyone is aware of what’s going on. 

But guess what?! 

They don’t care! It doesn’t matter that they know you know your worth. As long as you let them into your life. Time and time again nothing is going to change. 

Why should it? 

They can do as they please, apologize and everything will go on like it did before.

But when is enough, enough?

How do you let them go?

How do you choose pain? Because that’s what it is. Letting go of the person you love, turning away from them as they beg you not to go. Turning away from them as they profess their love for you, that you so desperately want them to give you. How do you turn away when they are telling you that they know they are in the wrong – acknowledging everything that you’ve been trying to have them see. Doing all of these things. Talking about change. Begging you to not leave them. How do you walk away? 

You just do. You cry most of the time. But the pain is part of the process. That’s why it’s called a broken heart.

All of those things they say are just words. Words at the end of the day that mean nothing. Words that are never applied to action.

And you can’t live a life waiting on words.

It gets you no where. No where other than hurt and disappointed.

When is enough, enough?

How do we stop ourselves from going back? How do we break out of the cycle?

We try. That’s all we can do is try. Try and try again. 

It’s not easy. I’m terrible at it. 

When your heart is set on something it’s hard to let it go. 

But like my sister said. You either choose to be hurt by them over and over again, or you choose to leave and temporarily hurt knowing the pain will eventually go away.

It’s just so hard. 

– Steph

 

Just Try

Trying is the bravest thing we could go.

With so many reasons not to try, finding the courage to go for it deserves a pat on the back.

Just go for it! Think it thru of course (I’m not encouraging any brash behaviour that you might regret) but don’t let doubts dwindle your self-belief and infringe on your ability to go above and beyond. Don’t live with “what ifs”.

Be a bit of a mess and try.

There is nothing wrong with not having it all together when you try.

Trying = Learning = Growth.

Who doesn’t want to grow. Even if we try and don’t get our way, there is always something you can take away. And sometimes we need to try specifically for the reason that we need to see its not for us… again taking the “what ifs” out of the equation.

I’m presently trying at something in my life, I’m trying with everything I’ve got and presently I don’t know if it’s right for me and if I should move on or give it a bit more time (I’m leaning towards giving it a bit more time). It’s fair to say I’m a bit of a mess. But I do feel brave. I feel brave for putting myself out there regardless to the outcome. I feel brave that I started something and I’m going to see it thru to the end.

And like I said, I’m a bit of a mess. There are some days I’m not sure I can make it BUT I keep on trying. I’ll know soon enough whether or not the outcome is in my favor or an extra special learning lesson.

And that’s another important factor. Know when to try and know when you’ve given it your all and there is nothing left to give (which doesn’t equate to quitting). Know when it’s the end. Don’t kill yourself over wanting to achieve a specific result that you lose yourself. Sometimes the answer is NO, and we need to recognize that and accept it. It doesn’t mean we didn’t give it our all, it just means it wasn’t for us. And that’s okay. Sometimes we can try with everything we’ve got but it’s not going to cut it because it’s just not meant for us.

A prime example of that situation is in a relationship. You can try but you can’t be the only one trying – that’s not how a healthy relationship works. You’ll make yourself sick trying to put in the work and effort of two people. That my dear friends is when you can tell yourself you tried BUT it wasn’t for you. Even if you love that person, it doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. Some things require that more than one person try in order to be successful.  And when you’ve put in the work and the other people constantly falls thru – take up your courage and walk away.

Try, but know your limit (it’s all about balance). Give it your all but don’t give in to being taken advantage of.

Try, but don’t make yourself sick over not wanting to be a failure. “Failing” only occurs when we don’t learn something. Learn from your efforts whether or not the answer is yes or no.

Try.

Be a mess.

Be brave.

Learn.

Grow.

And be happy. Don’t live in fear of trying anything, whether that’s the start of something new or ending of something old.

– Steph

What If?

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I don’t really like living with the question “what if?”

If I can avoid it – I will.
I’m pretty direct when I communicate it can be scary and liberating all at the same time. I wasn’t always as direct as I am now, but an accumulation of what ifs made it clear something had to change. Anddddd I can honestly say I’ve found more piece of mind when it comes to the dealings of my life. Being clear is always the most effective path. (I think)

I don’t always get the answer I want BUT I still get an answer.  And an answer illustrates that I tried. I did all I could do and because of that – I can live with the answer. (Even if a person omits an answer …. silence can be heard loud and clear)

Sure, when the answer is “no” it hurts, it stings and honestly sometimes it makes me cry. That makes me human and that would make you human as well. BUT what I’m slowly starting to realize is “rejection” is merely me avoiding the wrong path. A “no” from a person, a job, a school… means that I’l be finding the right yes that much sooner.

No happens, but eventually we’ll get the yes so keep trying. Don’t live with an overshadowing what if because of fear. Talk, ask & apply yourself; when you’ve done all you can do you’ll thank yourself. Their won’t be any looming uncertainty.

No is an answer, it may not seem like the right one to us in the moment BUT when all the pieces fit together we’ll look back and see our growth and be amazed that we had the strength to move forward and keep trying and for heavens sake that the one particular no could have been a saving grace in our life leading us to greater opportunities.

Live and Learn and avoid the what ifs?

– Steph

Don’t Look Back

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Sometimes you don’t realize how strong you really are…

It’s almost been a year to date since my relationship of 2 years ended. It wasn’t  a perfect relationship by any means. As a matter of fact it had the word abusive attached to it. My abusive relationship ended almost a year ago and when it ended it was the start of a new life for me.

The cycle. That was honestly the hardest part for me…. it was so difficult to escape it. I’d feel so sad, I’d miss him and I’d try to find reasons to take him back… reasons to justify all the hurt he created. BUT then I’d look in the mirror (literally sometimes crying) and remind myself of everything that I deserved, everything that offered and day by day I  distanced myself a little more from our cycle.

His charming words, expressions of love and apologies were no longer shackles around my heart. I came to realize I was strong all on my own. And I could finally admit to myself that nothing was ever going to change if I went back to him. He was the same and is still the same. He doesn’t know how to love me and it’s not my job try and teach him at my own expense. Love shouldn’t have to hurt.

Anyways, the relevance of this story is based on the fact he contacted me last night.  I haven’t seen him in a year and he was in my city; he wanted to see me… and after talking to him for a while I wanted to see him too. I agreed for us to meet the following morning and I had every intention to & every desire to… but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Prior to his contact with me I literally had the most amazing weekend. I went on a double date that was probably the most amazing date I’ve ever been on! Am I going to marry this guy?? Heck! I don’t know. But I do know how I felt on that date, how I was treated and it was significantly different then when I was with me ex. And it gave me hope that Mr. Right is around the corner because I’m  finally doing what’s right for me. Sometimes when we are on the brink of greatness, life tries to distract us and pull us away from what’s around the corner. Don’t fall for this!

How can I move forward if I keep looking back? How can I ever love somone as much or more than I loved my ex if I keep looking back at him. I can’t! I won’t be able to. And there’s so much more. I know there is.

I don’t need to play with fire to know I’ll get burned, I already have my scars to remind me. But my scars also remind me that I survived and I am stronger than whatever hurt me. They are the lessons of life that have made me who I am today. They are the lessons that guide me to choose my better tomorrow.

Yes, I wanted to see him, to hear his voice in person… and for that very reason I told him this morning that I wouldn’t be coming. I don’t need to do that to myself. I don’t want him to have a foot my door again. (Yes, I will admit allowing that contact in general is a bit of his foot in the door… but I’m human and I’m making progress it hasn’t happened over night but it’s happening)

I escaped the cycle and I dont want to ever go back. There is too much ahead.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

– Steph

Let it go! Let it go!… Let Them Go!

I like to think I’m a pretty good friend, that being said lets delve into the topic of friendship and when a friendship should become void (because the reality is sometimes that needs to happen)

Being a “good friend” can often mistakingly turn people emotional punching bags and/or door mats. How in the world do we end up so far off  base? I think it has something to do us offering a sincere love… it’s defiantly fair to say that I’ve fallen victim to this.

Once upon a time I had a friend, I loved her dearly and always made sure I was there for her. She had experienced quite a bit of difficulty involving her family. And it’s definitely fair to say she had a lot of anger built up and a pretty low self esteem. So, as her friend I’d always try to reassure her that things would get better, I’d try to remind her of her positive qualities and strengths, she was incredibly beautiful and I’d express this to her as well since she’d always put herself down. Basically I was a support that she fell on heavily and eventually she exhausted the resources.

It’s not that I was incapable of continuously complimenting or reassuring her, or taking her to appointments and finding the silver lining in life… I could do that till the end of time for a friend who needed that extra boost. However, I was not willing to do be abused by her. She often lashed out not physically but verbally, and it wasn’t always at me. It came to a point where I felt like I was a walking apology… for everyone she came into contact to, waiters, cashiers, guys, my other friends, family… she found a need to verbally be aggressive and mean.

People literally would do nothing other than breathe BUT because of her negative experiences in life she felt like she had every right to loathe everyone … Even her compliments would be double edged… holding an insult in the same breath.

I completely understand and support getting friends through a rough time. I’m not one to jump ship and bail just because the going gets tuff. BUT when tuff turns purely into ruff… you should reevaluate the situation and friendship.

Ruff… for this posts sake is going to be dipicted as a “friend” who feels the need to fight with everything and everyone for no reason. Ruff is putting down people incessantly just so that they can feel better about themselves REGARDLESS to the fact they will continue to talk themselves down as well. Ruff is closing their heart to gratitude and instead fill it with hate and jealousy. Ruff is a ugly…  that just keeps getting uglier.

There came a point in my life where I was seeking goodness, positivity, respect, & silver linings… and this friend that I had for a numver of years had no desire to look or develop these attributes in her own life. I expressed that I could not and did not appreciate her slander of innocent people or myself just because she felt life had wronged her. Life is perfect for no one, I can testify to that myself.

We can choose to become bitter or better. She chose bitter. And there came a point where she was draining the happiness, the light, the good from me and never replenishing it. She brought drama that she always seemed to thrive on, and that was not and is not what I want in my life. So 4 years of friendship… came to an end. It was hard because we had been close and obviously shared good memories BUT it wasnt worth my health & happiness.
You can be there to help and support someone all you want BUT unless they want to help themselves… it’s futile.

After that particular friendship came to an end it opened room up space in my life to meet some amazing people, who I  gratefully call my dear friends today. Leaving that one friendship took away an immense amount of drama and stress. It took away her belittling me or insulting me when she felt like it… ultimatly it helped me work towards a happier life, which was exactly what I wanted.

I did not let this one individual dictate my happiness, I did not let this one experience make me afraid to open up and find another friend. Not everyone is “friend” material in your life BUT there are a select few and when you let go of the bad ones you’ll find space you never knew you had for the good ones.

Don’t twist yourself into thinking that you’re being “a good friend” by staying in someone’s life who uses and abuses your love. That is not a friendship. Friendhship is a two way street, if you uplift them then you better darn tootin’ expect them to uplift you. If not..  reconsider how you feel and if it’s worth it. Because you my deary are worth it.

Let go of unhealthy, to find healthy and happy.

-Steph