Just Live A Little


My oh my. 

I’m currently working on making the most of my life. Recently I had someone walk into my life, mind you I showed them the exit… BUT for the brief time they were in my life they caused me to re-evaluate how I was living it. I am the most stable I’ve ever been – this is a fact. But there is more than just being stable. More than just holding the status quo.

I’ve done things in my life, but I haven’t all at the same time. Living was such a struggle for so many years I feel like my life was a bit of a write-off. Perhaps I haven’t completely escaped the mentality of just surviving. 

But I’m here. I’m alive and I want my life to reflect that.

I was asked about my bucket list and I only had 2 things to list off. On top of that the two ideas weren’t even that creative! 

That just won’t do.

Over the course of two weeks I developed a bucket list. Or rather “lists”. One list outlines things I would like to do over the course of 2017/2018, and the other lists things I’d like to do in a lifetime. I’m trying to step outside of my box, escape the mundane routine I’ve created. Add a little bedazzle. Spice things up. You get the idea.

I’m really proud of my list, it took quite a bit of effort to create it. 

It’s so easy to get into a routine, routine is good don’t get me wrong BUT there should be more. More to life. Where did my exploratory nature go? Where is my sense of adventure?

I was going thru a bit of depression the past while, feeling trapped. But I realized I was the one putting myself in the cage or like I referred to it earlier – a box. I was the one restricting myself, no one else.

When you feel trapped you are the only one who can free yourself, whatever that situation may be.

Escaping our box is a choice, and most often it requires that we put in effort and feel a bit uncomfortable. And why must we feel uncomfortable? Because my dear friends, we are stepping outside of our norm and its the price we must pay.

And when I say I want to live life I don’t mean I need to climb Mount Everest or backpack thru Europe, not saying I’d turn down the opportunity.  What I’m talking about is reading books, going to museums and art galleries, taking guitar lessons, joining a choir, going to a paint night (which I just did … my painting was terrible! But I had fun making it, and that’s what it’s all about), simple yet impactful things that will add dimension to my life. 

Dimension that’s my objective. I want to have something to talk about, things to look forward to. I want to meet people, enrich my life with perspective. Expand my way of looking at life and take advantage of the life I’ve been blessed with.

I want to be an actively engaged in my life rather than passively letting it pass me by.

I feel so passionately about this new outlook on life, I feel alive and excited for what is to going to happen because of me making it happen. 

Ask yourself if you are trapped in routine, feeling like life is escaping you – then make a list. Make a list of things outside of your box and start doing them.

It’s been a big year for me. Lots of new chapters with school ending, me getting my dream job, a couple of toads crossing my path. I feel like in my life’s story is picking up its pace and it’s only going to get better! 

Stop thinking about all the things you’d like to do. Take action and do them. Liberate yourself from the box you live in and add dimension to your life. Stay stable but add a little bedazzle. 

– Steph


Training Wheels 

That moment when your training wheels come off is triumphant. 

When I first started seeing my psychologist, the first year I saw him once a week, then the next year it became once every two weeks, and recently it’s extended to once a month. I know it’s a good thing – it shows my progress BUT I really like my doctor. The training wheels are coming off and I don’t know how I feel about it.

It’s bitter sweet not going in for my appointments once every two weeks. I feel really good about my progress, but there has always been something so rewarding about my doctors insight and now I get it once a month, because my own insight is doing a pretty good job – he trained me well.

Doctors are a huge part of the recovery process (and I use the word recovery liberally because it makes you sound sick and I don’t think of myself as sick – I just think of myself as a girl who has bipolar and is learning to manage it). Having a relationship with your doctor is incredibly important. And if you feel uncomfortable, I would encourage you to look for another doctor. How are you supposed to talk about everything and anything if you don’t feel comfortable?! Feeling unable to express yourself defeats the purpose of talking about your mood based disorder (mood = a lot to express) 

I am always hesitant about talking to new doctors, I feel vulnerable and like they are trying to know me based on some scribbled notes on a page BUT all of my doctors at the mood disorder clinic I go to have been amazing and care about me as a person. So if I can have amazing doctors, you can too!

Once there was a psychiatrist who made me uncomfortable so stopped seeing him (this was before my formal diagnosis by the clinic I’m presently in). Mind you I didn’t look for another doctor, which was the wrong move BUT it just goes to show how a relationship is so important to the success of your health. It can make it or break it, because with bipolar you need a support system. Doing it on your own isn’t going to get you far – trust me I know.

Don’t be afraid to look elsewhere. Don’t ditch your current doctor until you have a new one secured. But don’t settle for a doctor who isn’t committed to your success. You aren’t a number, you aren’t a robot. You have feelings and should feel comfortable expressing them. 

I’m not ready to go completely solo from seeing my psychologist but I am grateful I’m at the place I am, even if it means less appointments. 


 The training wheels are coming off.


Just A Wee Bit

  Patience is a virtue. Something I’ve been told and recited my entire life. 

Apparently it’s a virtue I still lack. 
There is a time and a season for all things, and we don’t necessarily get to dictate when that time or season is and because of this particular truth it’s easy to jump on-board the pity wagon.

And nobody wants to be riding the pity wagon. Its unbelievablely uncomfortable and mighty miserable. I should know I was just on it…

So, where does that leave us? It leaves us with the ability to react. We may not always be in control of when but we are always in control of how we wait and what we do while we wait. Mind blowing right?

I have had an injury that’s going on 8 years and it’s still not healed, did I in ever in my wildest dreams imagine it would still be crippling me? Stealing away dreams that I had as a youth? Nope, not in the slightest. Yet, here I am a hundred doctor appointments later and I’m seemingly no closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did I throw in the emotional towel? I sure did, as a matter of fact I threw it and then lit it on fire and watched it burn to ashes…. A few times. Luckily, I happen to keep spares. So I’m back. I’m back to face my reality that I don’t get to control everything.

Does it make me sad… Yes BUT that doesn’t give me the excuse to throw away everything I do have.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but, the reality is I have a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that I can focus my energy on until the doctors figure out how to fix me, because who knows when that will be.

Time spent not being bitter is time well spent.

I don’t always get it right, but I know the truthfulness of how our reactions either drive our happiness or our misery. 

One day at a time. One simple day at a time can keep our hope alive and life is so much more fulfilling when there is hope involved.

At the end of the day it’s not how long we wait. It’s how we wait.


The Sky Above Us


Over the past two weeks I’ve had my fair share of tears. And when I say my fair share…. I literally mean everyday, multiple times a day… sometimes for hours.

How have I mananged to retain water within my body? I have absolutely no idea. I feel like if I were a well I’d be dried up. Gratefully, we can rest assured that I am not a well.

On a more serious note, my functionality over the past week went out the window…up in flames… down the drain, im sure you get the idea. I slept the majority of this week (in between all of my crying) and I haven’t attended school for the past two days.

Honestly, it was all too much this time. It was too much to handle and I was not coping. I was losing my ability to keep a grip, so inorder to protect myself and diffuse the anxst that was building up (my panic attack mode was on)… I stayed home, I took a step back and I allowed myself to go through whatever pain I was feeling and had been trying to cover up over the past few weeks while being surrounded by people all the time.

Their was no pressure to keep a smile on my face, which appeased the anxiety that was mercilessly eating me up! All the thoughts in my head that told me my peers were judging me because I wasn’t on my “A-game” began to subside.  I was no longer exposed! If there is one thing that I can’t handle, it’s when people start to looking at me like I’ve blown a fuse and I’m not functioning “properly” like I “normally” do.

Maybe it’s all in my head and they don’t notice when I start to lose the life in my eyes… regardless, when it’s running rampant in my head that’s when I become the most lethal. So that’s why I needed to take a step back and diffuse the situation before I completely shut down.

I haven’t taken an unofficial  leave of absence for quite sometime, with that being said I’m not about to beat myself up over the fact that I required a “break” this time around.

Life happens and at times emotions get the best of me. However, the lows come and the lows go, even if they may appear bleak and hopeless. There is hope.

Today I can breathe again, I’ve reached the light at the end of this particular dark tunnel. It wasn’t  easy, in fact it sucked. That’s the truth. BUT life goes on, and I’m grateful I  have the ability to bounce back. I can pick up where I left off… I may have to back track a bit BUT I ultimately am still moving forward.

I still have a lot of work to do in pertaining to handling my life’s journey with bipolar  … but I am stronger than I realize. Just like I can confidently say you are too. Strength doesn’t develop when everything goes along perfectly, strength comes when we have to pick ourselves up after we’ve been knocked down over and over. Strength is fighting our personal battles; trying to remind ourselves of our infinite worth.

Our value never diminishes it only grows.

Happy Friday everyone, I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy the rays of sunshine on your skin… the little things that remind us we are alive.

– Steph


Alone Again


The past two weeks have been pretty difficult for me.

I’m getting up and going thru the motions. Getting my tasks done, just like I’m supposed to be doing. Talking to friends, joking and laughing just as I normally do. I’ve gone out to events, had some nice entertainment. Yet

During it all. I’ve felt alone.

My friends are great people. My family are amazing people…. this is honeslty probably one of my least favourite parts of my bipolar…. feeling utterly alone. There is no one who can get to me. No one who can calm my troubled mind. I’m untouchable –

I keep seeking reassurance, seeking affirmations that remind me of my love for life or of my progress that I’ve  made… yet even when words are spoken, the words seem to fall on deaf ears. There is a mental block and it’s here to stay for as long as it chooses.

Going thru the motions is prescribed advice from my health professionals, and by all means I understand I can’t curl up into a ball and stay in bed all day (I’ve tried to before) However,  sometimes the motions just magnify how alone I truly feel. Talking and laughing or cracking jokes when my heart is really cracking on the inside.

What’s the trigger? Nothing is. Yet again… everything is. Everything seems to be bombarding me, highlighting my inadequacies. I feel like I’m falling to pieces…. but I keep telling myself to hold on for another day and then another day. Because, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and I won’t feel so hopelessly alone.



A New Me. Goodbye 23.


This quote definitely got the wheels turning in my head! It’s a pretty unique way of looking at birthdays and the age that comes along with it.

At the close of this week. I’m closing another chapter of my life, year 23. And in all honesty I’m happy it’s drawn to an end.

It has been a bit of a tuff year…I’ve had a million and one-hundred million thoughts & emotions running through my head and heart. BUT at the end of it all here I am. I made it to 24!

A part of me wants to reflect on what I’ve overcome (regarding the hardships) … but I won’t. Not because I’m not proud of myself, but because the people or parts of my past that caused the most hurt or trials don’t deserve any recognition while I’m celebrating the new chapter of my life. The past is in the past I’ve lived, I’ve learned and I’m not looking back.

What I will say however, is that I am stronger than I was before. I believe in myself more than I did before. I respect myself more than I did before. And I love myself more than I did before.

I literally feel like the Stephanie who lived her life as a 23 year old has passed the torch on to the new me as a 24 year old. (Corny but true)

I’ve let go of the people who were not good for me, while giving myself the chance to meet some amazing new people on the way. Aswell, I’ve been able to build up the relationships with the ones who’ve been supporting me through it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I am so blessed to have been givin another year of life. There is so much I’d love to do! There’s so much life I’m looking forward to living!

That in itself is such a powerful statement, and I’m grateful I am at a point in my life when I mean it with my whole heart!

Life. I love it & I have hope in it. I have hope in what I can accomplish. And that is one of the best gifts I could have ever received from myself as I greet year 24.

Now on a serious note… alright, it’s not serious at all….

If I could ask for anything else as a gift in this new year…. aside from A’s in school. I would definitely ask to find my prince charming… or even better have him find me! I’m really hoping my run-in wirh frogs and goodness for bid TOADS is over!

A girl can wish!

Here’s to a new year.

– Steph


A Little Bit of Dr. Seuss


I’m not sure if any one could possibly say it better than Dr. Seuss did.

Life is about learning to learn. That’s the fun adventure we get to experience each and every single day. Yes… I’ll admit that line was a bit of an eye roller BUT if we can use our eyes beyond just rolling and take the following advice seriously, I promise you’ll see a difference in your life. (Look at all those play on words. Dang sometimes I impress myself)

Anyways…. reading and learning; it’s all in our approach, that’s what my dad always told me. We can literally take the most boring topic of life and still find some valuable & applicable information.

I used to read a ridiculous amount of fiction, then one day I woke up and decided it wasn’t for me. I started reading only non-fiction. Self improvement. Self help. Financial, Positive thinking … blah blah blah. So I pose the question is non-fiction with all of it’s decorated authors more valuable than reading fiction? NO! Not by a long shot! Although in all honesty that was the mindset I adopted…. don’t ask me why?!

Recently, I’ve read a fictional book about a women’s trials crossing the plains, finding love and losing it. I cried like a baby at one point and time…. this women wasn’t real BUT the feelings evoked from the novel were. The way I could relate to her; it was incredibly real.

Fiction is just as valuable as non-fiction. When people make remarks about my vocabulary (for some reason people they often consider it a little more diverse than the average joes) I can honeslty acredit it to the plethora of fictional books I read growing up… we are talking hundreds of books…. yes hundreds…. I’m a proud self-proclaimed nerd.

Fiction contains a wealth of knowledge for our taking. You can learn about different countries, cultures, rituals, relationships, empathy, vocabulary… the skies the limit and for a while there I was ignorant enough to think it was a waste of time….

Honestly, sometimes escaping into a fictional novel is just what we need. To see something from someone else’s point of view totally eclipsed from our own lives. However, that being said I am still highly in favor of delving into non-fiction. The priceless applicable information found within those books… blows my mind. I love learning and challanging the way I think; gaining more perspective as I go.

Perspective is Priceless.

There’s honestly so much to be read and discovered within the pages of a book. You learn about others but you also learn about yourself.

If you go in with a closed mind you’re not going to get anything aside from a headache. Which nobody wants…
Life is meant to be lived. To be had. And reading provides extra tools that you apply to your personal adventure!

Life is a balance between learning and doing. Both are critical for our growth.

However, really quick I’d like to mention something I read, which was great advice. Never finish reading a book just because you started it! I read a book titled the “Perfectionist Handbook” (I figured that if I acknowledged my perfectionist characteristics I’d be able to manage them better, so they weren’t so crippling) This book pointed out a trait that I was guilty of and maybe you are too.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER finish a book JUST because you started it! Don’t begrudgingly turn pages and painfully read the content just because you need to finish what you started! I was that person and after being called out because of this book I had a nice wake up call.

Remember that time is the most precious commodity we have in life. Yes! There is something to be learned from anything and everything BUT maybe the lesson is that you are not interested in whatever you were trying to read about! Don’t force it just because! Take what you read dissect it and move on. (Just a little spin on the topic for those who have a bit of ocd and perfectionist ticks)

All in all, I implore you to crack open a book. Let the sky be your limitless limit. Learn to Learn, Live and Learn, Love to Live.

– Steph