Just A Wee Bit

  Patience is a virtue. Something I’ve been told and recited my entire life. 

Apparently it’s a virtue I still lack. 
There is a time and a season for all things, and we don’t necessarily get to dictate when that time or season is and because of this particular truth it’s easy to jump on-board the pity wagon.

And nobody wants to be riding the pity wagon. Its unbelievablely uncomfortable and mighty miserable. I should know I was just on it…

So, where does that leave us? It leaves us with the ability to react. We may not always be in control of when but we are always in control of how we wait and what we do while we wait. Mind blowing right?

I have had an injury that’s going on 8 years and it’s still not healed, did I in ever in my wildest dreams imagine it would still be crippling me? Stealing away dreams that I had as a youth? Nope, not in the slightest. Yet, here I am a hundred doctor appointments later and I’m seemingly no closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did I throw in the emotional towel? I sure did, as a matter of fact I threw it and then lit it on fire and watched it burn to ashes…. A few times. Luckily, I happen to keep spares. So I’m back. I’m back to face my reality that I don’t get to control everything.

Does it make me sad… Yes BUT that doesn’t give me the excuse to throw away everything I do have.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but, the reality is I have a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that I can focus my energy on until the doctors figure out how to fix me, because who knows when that will be.

Time spent not being bitter is time well spent.

I don’t always get it right, but I know the truthfulness of how our reactions either drive our happiness or our misery. 

One day at a time. One simple day at a time can keep our hope alive and life is so much more fulfilling when there is hope involved.

At the end of the day it’s not how long we wait. It’s how we wait.

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Just When I Was Getting Started

  
Sadly tragedy strikes again.

My phone. My beautiful Samsung phone with it’s glorious big screen – is gone. It’s been laid to rest like all of its predecessors. 

Seriously though, I was just getting back into my mojo for blogging and BAM my phone shatters right before my eyes – becoming an unusable mosaic. 

As I’m sure you are all bursting with curiousity as to how this happened…allow me to tell you.

I was joyously getting into my car with my phone securely tucked into my pocket when all of a sudden it jumped out of my pocket, it literally jumped…. okay…. It slipped out of my unsecure pocket JUST as my car door was closing.

What were the odds of the door closing directly on my phone???

Slim, very slim BUT the odds were ever not in my favour so BAM the door closed and broke my phone along with my heart.

All of the quotes I had on my phone – gone. AND may I say I had a lot – so needless to say I have to rebuild my empire from scratch. Again.

But-

More importantly on my quest to rebuild my empire of quotes I required a new phone and my brother-in-law graciously gave me one. An iPhone 4 ………….. ummm yes……. let’s just say I’m grateful I have a phone…..In all sincerity I haven’t blogged because I’ve been too busy licking my wounds of losing my Samsung, this particular phone has the tiniest screen of life! I feel like I need baby fingers just to navigate on it.

But beggars can’t be choosers. And the funds in my bank account currently express that I can’t be a chooser. So the iPhone stays.

One day. One glorious day I will be reunited with my Samsung and until that day I will be using this iPhone and blogging via it’s tiny screen. 

This blog aside, I’ll be giving a general update this weekend in another post. Yay for technology … and yes I realize I could use my computer to blog it’s just I usually blog when I’m on the go. We shall see, I may have to make a temporary exception.

Steph

Seize the Day!

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This quote is blunt, but that’s why I like it. Sometimes bluntness is exactly what we need, whether it be for ourselves or dare I say… directed at others! (Oh yeaahh…I said it)

There are times when I admit the day runs me and when it does, I feel exhausted mentally & physically entrapped in a feeling of defeat. On these days I generally feel like I’m behind on everything and there is no way on earth I’ll ever manage to regain control of my life!! It’s over!! I’m doomed! There’s no hope!! Goodness gracious… how utterly depressing to think like that. BUT at times I do think like that, it’s a reality of my life. (It’s also called distorted thinking)

On days that mirror the above description my secret anitodte for survival is…. breathing. Who knew right??¬† I breathe and if I’m exceptionally lucky sometimes I manage to successfully remind myself that there is hope, and that day by day I’ll live my life to the best of my ability on that day. It is my life; Stephanie’s. It’s not my Bipolar’s life, or my anxiety’s life or my ocd’s life. It’s mine. So on the days that feel like they are running the show instead if vice versa… I try to remeber they are my days. (Sometimes that’s all the comfort I need)

Attitude plays a huge role in what we accomplish and how we accomplish it. Yes, we may finish a grandeur task but if we do it begrudgingly we will most likely take nothing away from it, aside from a check mark on our To Do List.

By all means checkmarks are great BUT that little check mark doesn’t necessarily signify that we’ve taken charge of our life. Of our day.

We have bad days and for some of us those bad days literally last days or weeks… it’s part of the package deal we took ownership of in this life (regardless to the fact we didn’t ask for it). But eventually¬† (it may seem like forever) those days pass and we will have good days in their stead. On those days we need to take back our full ability to choose. Choose to run the day. Don’t let it run you. PLEASE, PLEASE do not let the day run you when you have the complete choice and ability at hand.

This isn’t suggesting that on our off days we roll over and die until the off days cease. No, we fight. We are fighters and we do our best to run the off day just as we would any other day. BUT we recognize that if by chance this day or days are getting the best of us we are not failures, we merely need to recuperate so that we can get up and fight again for our days to literally be our days to the best and fullest every other day.

Life is a challange, Life is also an opportunity to grow because of the very nature of its challange. Cease the day, to the best of your ability. Rise to recognize all that you have to offer and all that you have to gain.

– Steph

Broken Crayons

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I’ve felt broken. I’ve been broken and I’ve felt worthless because of it. This quote and illustration mean a lot to me, and I hope you’ll find some peace from them as well.

When I was at my worst I felt like I had no use or value to anyone or anything. I was nothing more than a burden. Happiness was beyond my grasp and everything I had envisioned achieving  was long gone. I was chaos. The girl I once was, with all of my dreams and aspirations had broken into pieces, losing all value or potential to be something beautiful…. or so I thought.

This mindset was/is lethal, and I will admit that I’ve fallen victim to it’s condemning thoughts on more than one occasion. I’m telling the truth when I say that my diagnosis has brought me exponential amounts of peace and joy. However, getting to that state has taken a lot of time and effort (and I still have setbacks)

I’d be a lying if I told you that hearing the words “You have Bipolar” didn’t sting; because it did. There was no warm smile and cozy hug for my diagnosis or any of the additional ones I recieved.  I initially felt like I had a big flashing sign over my head saying ” she has a mental illness” … all that came to mind was ill; as in I was sick, I wasn’t whole, I was less than, I was broken goods.

But I am here to tell you that I’m not less than and neither are you! We are more than!

I do exactly the same thing as anyone else who doesn’t have a “mental illness(s)” AND I do it while I have my own personal battle every single day. I succeed because I choose to succeed I chose to put in the extra hours for my appointments, meds, sleep, working out, school, relationships, reading… the list goes on. I choose to do this and I have a mental illness. I’m capable.

I felt broken, l’ve felt defective, but the beauty is that I’m neither. I’m strong, resilient and capable.

When you look at this quote remeber that whether you consider yourself whole, broken or even melted the thing that matters most is that you can still colour. You still can create a beautiful masterpiece with everything that you are. You are so much more than stigma or a label, even when your the culprit feeding yourself those lies.

Sometimes we need to take a step back to recognize how far we’ve come. Take a step back and admire how beautiful our masterpiece really is. Because it’s beautiful. It’s a one of a kind.

-Steph

The Right or wrong Answer

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Alright! I have some writing juices pumping through my brain, so I’m going to take advantage of the moment whilst I sit on an LRT riding back to my car.

Blog post time!
Woot! Woot!

So recently I’vej started back at school, it’s been incredibly exciting and slightly overwhelming  (in a good way) There has been an abundance of information thrown my way, so naturally I record all the tasks in my day planner, which allows me to keep my head on & my breathing even. I’ve created a key for my courses and additional course content that correlates, as well I’ve colour coded my courses…. yes, I’m that girl.

Small and simple efforts that ultimately make a difference in my life. I know what makes me tick and and I am getting better at knowing what turns me into a ticking time bomb. So I do everything in my power to avoid that situation. Day by day.

I’m fairly self critical. Anyone who knows me may suggest that “fairly” is an understatement BUT that’s how I’m going to express it. I strive to be better. To do better. To achieve better. This is the process necessary for me to become the best version of me. It obviously requires self reflection and assessment, however that being said I’m going to ask you to think about the following statement….

In order to do better you need to know what your doing wrong. You need to see the errors so you can correct them.

Do you consider this true or false? I’ve always considered it true. I’ve always looked for the flaws so that I could fix them. Reach my true potential. Be the best version of me….

BUT 

I was listening to someone speaking and they used an anology that hit me hard. It made me take a step back, asking myself if I was in fact becoming a better faster or if I was my own undoing hindering the process…

Here it goes: You took a test there were 100 questions. You got 90 out of 100 questions correct. Now the question is do you notice the 90 correct answers first or do you instantly notice the 10 incorrect?

Think about this, I can honestly say in this literal scenario I’ve always noticed the incorrect answers before I acknowledge or congratulate myself on the correct answers. Do you see how flawed that is?!? How can we hope to achieve our greatest potential if we don’t even remind ourselves of the greatness we’ve already achieved? How can we hope to be better if we don’t truly consider what we are building upon in regards to ourselves? We are incredible in our own right, and just think how much more incredible we could be if we acknowledged that before we gave credit to the flaws.

Yes we need to know what’s wrong in order to “fix it” but that does not give us the excuse to zero in on the negative before we see the positive.

Look for the good. Look for the progress. Magnify your strengths and talents and then consider where you might improve. Don’t see the 10 incorrect answers before you congratulate yourself on the 90 correct.

As I enter a new school year, in a new program this is my goal. This is the new fresh outlook I will be applying as I move forward. Don’t beat yourself up. When people get beat up they are often hurt to the point where they can’t move or act in their normal capacity. They can’t move as quickly. Figuratively don’t beat yourself up! Your only slowing down your progress and weakening your true potential.

May we be kinder to ourselves with tough love BUT real love.

– Steph

How Tuff Are You?

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In society I think there is a misconception about what it truly means to be “tuff minded”. Tuff is not relentlessly going through life, guarding yourself against other people who cross your path, getting them before they get you. That is not the makings of a tuff mind. Rather I believe a tuff mind evaluates situations, developing the best approach that builds people up along the way.

Caring for others, in a world that screams competition; now that’s a tuff mind.

I watched a documentary and it made an interesting point that we are conditioned to compete from the get-go (there are some cultures that do not follow this approach). Firstly when we are placed in school where there is ample competition with peers, then entering into university MAJOR competitioand and lastly entering into the work force. All our peers are considered competition; standing in the way of us recieving potential awards, raises or promotions… competition, competition, competition. In order to succeed we have to pull away from the rest, leave them in the dust, step on a few small people to get to where we need to be. Casualties are inevitable right? Wrong.

This misguided belief, suggests there is no winning as a collective group. Instead we must strive to stand alone making our mark above the rest. But truth be told people get lonely standing apart from everyone, because we are not meant to be alone. It’s not in our nature. What one person can do alone is weak compared to the potential strength a group of people offers.

People are not tuff based on their “individual successes”. What truly makes someone tuff? Reaching the top while bringing others up with you, especially as people tell you it’s a waste of time and energy. That takes true strength and requires a tender heart. When you succeed and share your knowledge, you create a fulfilling life ultimatly yielding greater success. And when I refer to success I’m not solely referring to monitory value. I’m referring to life as a whole, living and feeling alive with purpose, now that is success.

*** Side note: I’m not condemning all competition because I myself am a very competitive person BUT the difference is as I compete with myself to be a better version of me I DO NOT put others down in the process (at least that is NEVER my intention). Putting others down is never necessary in order to achieve our personal goals. Winning and losing is a part of life and doesn’t singularly determine and define our value OR the value of someone else.

Put your tuff mind and a tender heart to good use, grow and inspire and lift others up along the way.

– Steph

Tick Tock

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Goodness Gracious! My apologies for the inconsistent posts lately. This past weekend I was away camping and boy oh boy! Was it ever fun!!

I haven’t been camping in years, and this past weekend I had to scratch my head and ask myself why not?!

We had a family reunion and it was incredibly fun & interesting to see all of my cousins. Especially since we are all adults now and not little kids running around…. although there we still our moments ran when we ran around. It was also so interesting to see an abundance of children running around on our behalf since most of my cousins and sisters have kids of their own now.

Sometimes it just really hits home how fast time flys. I feel like this past year has gone by in the blink of an eye. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing but it’s definitely made me question how I choose to spend my time and who I choose to spend it with.

You never get time back. It’s the most precious commodity we have in this life. It’s currency never expires and it’s value never decreases. It’s precious and it’s important that we give it to others wisely and spend it on ourselves wisely.

After my family reunion finished we packed our tents and my youngest sister, her husband and I drove to another city to attend a heritage day festival. This festival was filled with pavilions of different countries showcasing history, dancing, music, and FOOD! It was so much fun, and worth the drive to create those memories with one another.

This week looks like it’s going to be busy, and I’m excited to see what unfolds and what I create throughout it. I hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend or if it was just a regular weekend… I hope you still enjoyed it.

At the beginning of this week I encourage you to take a look at where you are investing your time. Ask yourself if it’s worthwhile? Are you getting a return on your investment? Does it profit and enrich your own life? Does it offer as much as it takes?

It’s a fresh week; learn and let go from last week, move on with intention this week, make new memories, live, laugh and love.

– Steph