The past two weeks have been pretty difficult for me.
I’m getting up and going thru the motions. Getting my tasks done, just like I’m supposed to be doing. Talking to friends, joking and laughing just as I normally do. I’ve gone out to events, had some nice entertainment. Yet…
During it all. I’ve felt alone.
My friends are great people. My family are amazing people…. this is honeslty probably one of my least favourite parts of my bipolar…. feeling utterly alone. There is no one who can get to me. No one who can calm my troubled mind. I’m untouchable –
I keep seeking reassurance, seeking affirmations that remind me of my love for life or of my progress that I’ve made… yet even when words are spoken, the words seem to fall on deaf ears. There is a mental block and it’s here to stay for as long as it chooses.
Going thru the motions is prescribed advice from my health professionals, and by all means I understand I can’t curl up into a ball and stay in bed all day (I’ve tried to before) However, sometimes the motions just magnify how alone I truly feel. Talking and laughing or cracking jokes when my heart is really cracking on the inside.
What’s the trigger? Nothing is. Yet again… everything is. Everything seems to be bombarding me, highlighting my inadequacies. I feel like I’m falling to pieces…. but I keep telling myself to hold on for another day and then another day. Because, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and I won’t feel so hopelessly alone.
Being a “loser” is a state of mind. Winning is a state of mind and learning is a state of mind.
That’s a whole lotta mind going on… so let me clarify.
Coming in last, technically means you “lost”… you are the “loser” BUT you don’t have to be a loser if you take the time to think “what did I overcome that finishline” Did you fall flat on your face only to keep picking yourself up? Did you face a fear? Did you try something new for the very first time? Did you face it alone?
What did you do? And now what could you do differently? Life is full of experiences, and everything happens for a reason. BUT not in that magestic, whimsical way people like to portray it. Sometimes the reason things happen is purely because we make the wrong choices that yield consequences. For every action there is a reaction …..so deep …
Anywho, we are accountable for our consequences – good or bad. And, every single one of us have the exact same choice – learn and grow from our consequences (losses); adding perspective and experience to our lives or take the loss as nothing more than failure, and regret that lowers our self-worth.
I used to get caught up in all my flaws all my losses, everything I did wrong. And it wasn’t until I started to change my way of thinking, that I realized my “losses” held value. The errors I made had the potential to make me a better version of myself!… if I let them.
Wallowing in “loss” will not change the fact you lost. What happened – happened. The sooner we accept that fact, the sooner we can learn from it.
When you choose to learn you chose to win. Learning and winning go hand in hand…. perhaps you may not always achieve the technical win but there’s no reason you can’t grow and win in the bigger picture called Life.