The Sky Above Us


Over the past two weeks I’ve had my fair share of tears. And when I say my fair share…. I literally mean everyday, multiple times a day… sometimes for hours.

How have I mananged to retain water within my body? I have absolutely no idea. I feel like if I were a well I’d be dried up. Gratefully, we can rest assured that I am not a well.

On a more serious note, my functionality over the past week went out the window…up in flames… down the drain, im sure you get the idea. I slept the majority of this week (in between all of my crying) and I haven’t attended school for the past two days.

Honestly, it was all too much this time. It was too much to handle and I was not coping. I was losing my ability to keep a grip, so inorder to protect myself and diffuse the anxst that was building up (my panic attack mode was on)… I stayed home, I took a step back and I allowed myself to go through whatever pain I was feeling and had been trying to cover up over the past few weeks while being surrounded by people all the time.

Their was no pressure to keep a smile on my face, which appeased the anxiety that was mercilessly eating me up! All the thoughts in my head that told me my peers were judging me because I wasn’t on my “A-game” began to subside.  I was no longer exposed! If there is one thing that I can’t handle, it’s when people start to looking at me like I’ve blown a fuse and I’m not functioning “properly” like I “normally” do.

Maybe it’s all in my head and they don’t notice when I start to lose the life in my eyes… regardless, when it’s running rampant in my head that’s when I become the most lethal. So that’s why I needed to take a step back and diffuse the situation before I completely shut down.

I haven’t taken an unofficial  leave of absence for quite sometime, with that being said I’m not about to beat myself up over the fact that I required a “break” this time around.

Life happens and at times emotions get the best of me. However, the lows come and the lows go, even if they may appear bleak and hopeless. There is hope.

Today I can breathe again, I’ve reached the light at the end of this particular dark tunnel. It wasn’t  easy, in fact it sucked. That’s the truth. BUT life goes on, and I’m grateful I  have the ability to bounce back. I can pick up where I left off… I may have to back track a bit BUT I ultimately am still moving forward.

I still have a lot of work to do in pertaining to handling my life’s journey with bipolar  … but I am stronger than I realize. Just like I can confidently say you are too. Strength doesn’t develop when everything goes along perfectly, strength comes when we have to pick ourselves up after we’ve been knocked down over and over. Strength is fighting our personal battles; trying to remind ourselves of our infinite worth.

Our value never diminishes it only grows.

Happy Friday everyone, I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy the rays of sunshine on your skin… the little things that remind us we are alive.

– Steph


Out with the Old – In with the New


When it comes to getting rid of a bad habit or even a crummy ex *cough cough* which is basically the same thing. I have a few words of advice that stem from personal reading, talking with one of my super heros a.k.a my doctor AND from direct experience.

Firstly, replace the bad with something new! If you are going to cut something from your life you are inevitably going to create a space, a void, a black hole! Do you catch my drift? You will need a positive replacement in order to sustain long term results. Something that will help you be a better version of you. I’ve turned to reading books, hitting the gym, cross stitching  (you read that right! It’s a skill under development)
If you choose to drop a habit a positive replacement is a must. It allows you to focus your energy elsewhere, and acts as a positive reinforcement for the new direction of your life.

Secondly, self talk. Postitive self talk. How we talk to ourselves is critical to how we see ourselves. If you always talk down to yourself, telling yourself you’re going to fail… you will. If you break yourself down before you even give yourself a chance to try… you will in fact fail. AND then you’ll talk yourself down even more for failing like you said you would. Don’t do that! Positive affirmations, Progress Not Perfection.

Which leads me to number 3. Be realistic. When I ended it with my ex, I gave my self an unrealistic timeline of 2 weeks. 2 weeks and I would be over a 2 year relationship… that stemmed back to us being in each others lives since gr 8. Unrealistic much??! And when I failed I was so angry at myself. I was weak, I was pathetic, he wasn’t worth anymore of my tears…. blah blah blah. BUT the flaw to my plan and train of thought was that I forgot I’m human. We are all human so lets be realistic. My reality was not 2 weeks to be over him… heck I’m in the months zone and I’m just getting “over him”. My reality was “don’t go back to him!”And I got that right this time. Why?? Because I began to let myself hurt, cry, be angry, confused and I let myself miss him without condeming and repremanding myself. GIVE yourself realistic goals; when you make a significant change allow yourself to mourn or think of what you let go BUT remind yourself that your letting it go for a reason AND that there is so much more good life ahead of you.

Lastly… give yourself a pat on the back. Acknowledge and give yourself credit for deciding to make a change in your life. Recognizing is one step, taking action is the next. So your on the right track.

We’ll get there – progress not perfection.

– Steph