Grow Up

Communication is apparently rocket science.

This quote summarizes all the frustration I’m feeling. I’m literally fuming.

I’ve had one too many encounters lately with men that are incapable of using basic human speech or text to communicate on a respectable level.

Throwing my hands up in the air, like I just don’t care.

Oh so tempting.

I’m taking a break from the dating game. If I end up old and alone at least I’ll have my sanity – something I’m losing with all the frogs and toads I’ve been encountering. I’m pretty sure I’ve hit a record.

-Steph

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Rubbish

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So the seroquel is here to stay they’ve just lowered the dose… I can’t sleep without it. So my current meds are as follows:

Latuda 100mg
Lamotragine 250mg
Seroquel 50 mg  (this may change I’m still not sleeping that well)

My weight is still an issue but my new doctor Dr. B (as much as I loved my old Dr.L) is taking my concern very seriously and is referring me to a weight clinic where they are going to do a metabolic test and check my thyroid and all that jazz… since starting my medication well over a year ago I’ve gained 25lbs  while being a gym goer except for a few weeks here and there when I was in ultra lows.

I’m optimistic … or at least I’m trying to be optimisitic. All this weight … seems like it’s going to be impossible to lose BUT I WILL LOSE IT  medication or not I won’t be this weight forever.

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve just felt so stunted with my blogging. All my thoughts haven’t been able to be translated in writing…. their just swirling chaotically around in my head. Whenever I try to write them they just turn into rubbish. Talk about feeling uncreative and uninspired. I feel like all my creative juices have been sucked out of me.

BUT there have been some turning points in my life the past few months, I’m hoping that this will shed some light on my writing. Overall, I just figured it was better not to post than post rubbish.

– Steph

London Bridge

Isn’t this the truth … And it’s just so funny which is a bonus .

Just when you think your getting it together. London bridge come falling down.

I survived the school year – adjusting medications and all. I’m happy to report I was in the A- A+ percentile … Who knew hard work could pay off so well. It was a challenge but I did it. The only limitations we have are the ones we set ourselves. Tell yourself enough times you can do it and surprisingly you’ll be able to do it.

Now that schools finished I will be working again.

All of the above is fine and dandy.

What’s not fine is the Latuda that I’m I’ve been transitioning on to is no longer covered by my insurance (I have a new insurance) anyways I went in to pick up my medication and the Latuda would have been almost $400.00 – not cool – so I left it and picked up my Lamotragine and Seroquel. Which the Seroquel is on a minimum dose since I’m coming off of it and supposedly have the Latuda.

So much fun! Can’t you tell hah oh goodness.

I have my appointment with my new doctor next week, did I mention to you that my glorious Dr. M is taking on a new position within the hospital SO he will no longer be my psychiatrist. Change oh sweet change how I nervously embrace thee.

Oh well in all honesty I was rebelling against my medication anyway and wanted to talk about taking a new one. The Seroquel is at such a low dose because I told my doctor I wasn’t going to take it anymore … I know I know the audacity BUT I PUT 2 + 2 together !

I took a break from the gym I didn’t eat the most consistent healthy meals I admitted that BUT to gain 15 pounds in a few weeks is unreal an that’s what happened … That my dear friends is medication. And I know it sounds horrible but I’m tired of the weight gain 85% of the time I go to the gym 6 days a week I eat good foods I have a problem with restricting but even that’s gotten better. Aside to from those weeks in hiatus I am a gym goer. And this entire year regardless to the slaving at the gym I’ve been gaining weight. It’s killing me. It’s one thing to have sanity but it’s another thing to lose myself to obesity. I don’t look my weight but I’m nearly at 200 lbs THATS NOT HAPPENING (this is with me going to the gym. This past year and a half I’ve gained nearly 40 lbs all together) I’ve told my doctor i’d rather be crazy then obese. Dramatic. I know BUT there is truth behind those words.

As a result he cut my Seroquel dramatically and I’m done with it in a week. As for the Latuda – I can’t afford it anymore. This poor new doctor has quite the mess to clean up (of course I’ll help)

Anyways this was kind of an update. There’s more but I’ll spare you. But if my love life were a movie the defining moment is hand … Maybe I’ll write about it another day.

Steph

Step One

  
Such beautiful words. With so much truth behind them. 

A new week is upon us, with infinite opportunities and all we need to do is take the first step. We don’t need to know the entire staircase, we don’t need to know how long before we reach the top – all we need to know is that we will reach it if we take one step at a time (sometimes we may even take 2 or 3 steps depending on the day)

Has anyone ever done the stairmaster – it’s a creation designed to torture mankind… just kidding it’s a glorious machine that can create buns of steel BUTT …. I mean BUT in order to do that you need to take the first step on it’s never ending staircase. Sometimes the goal is 50 flights of stairs sometimes it’s 100, sometimes it’s 20 minutes and sometimes it’s until you can’t feel your legs any more. Regardless to the goal, the only way to succeed is to take the first step and then taking it one step at a time subsequently. 

This week take the first step towards a goal you’ve been dreaming about starting. Just do it. Take the first step to loving yourself a little better. Take the first step to going for a walk outside to get some fresh air ( there have actually been studies that tell us having exposure outside for 10 minutes can improve our mood… fancy fact… I’m not saying it will cure the mood but it may help even just a little… Something to do with the uv rays)

Take the first step to change. Take the first step to improve. Take the first step to treat yourself better (and make sure others treat you better too). Take the first step to find your self worth, for yourself. Take the first step and then take it one step at a time after. Breathe and pace yourself. You can do it.

Here’s to a new week of new opportunities, all we need to do is take the first step. And as you go up the staircase just think how strong you are becoming with each new step – each step is redefining who you are and what you are capable of and don’t forget it.

– Steph

Just A Wee Bit

  Patience is a virtue. Something I’ve been told and recited my entire life. 

Apparently it’s a virtue I still lack. 
There is a time and a season for all things, and we don’t necessarily get to dictate when that time or season is and because of this particular truth it’s easy to jump on-board the pity wagon.

And nobody wants to be riding the pity wagon. Its unbelievablely uncomfortable and mighty miserable. I should know I was just on it…

So, where does that leave us? It leaves us with the ability to react. We may not always be in control of when but we are always in control of how we wait and what we do while we wait. Mind blowing right?

I have had an injury that’s going on 8 years and it’s still not healed, did I in ever in my wildest dreams imagine it would still be crippling me? Stealing away dreams that I had as a youth? Nope, not in the slightest. Yet, here I am a hundred doctor appointments later and I’m seemingly no closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did I throw in the emotional towel? I sure did, as a matter of fact I threw it and then lit it on fire and watched it burn to ashes…. A few times. Luckily, I happen to keep spares. So I’m back. I’m back to face my reality that I don’t get to control everything.

Does it make me sad… Yes BUT that doesn’t give me the excuse to throw away everything I do have.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but, the reality is I have a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that I can focus my energy on until the doctors figure out how to fix me, because who knows when that will be.

Time spent not being bitter is time well spent.

I don’t always get it right, but I know the truthfulness of how our reactions either drive our happiness or our misery. 

One day at a time. One simple day at a time can keep our hope alive and life is so much more fulfilling when there is hope involved.

At the end of the day it’s not how long we wait. It’s how we wait.

Just When I Was Getting Started

  
Sadly tragedy strikes again.

My phone. My beautiful Samsung phone with it’s glorious big screen – is gone. It’s been laid to rest like all of its predecessors. 

Seriously though, I was just getting back into my mojo for blogging and BAM my phone shatters right before my eyes – becoming an unusable mosaic. 

As I’m sure you are all bursting with curiousity as to how this happened…allow me to tell you.

I was joyously getting into my car with my phone securely tucked into my pocket when all of a sudden it jumped out of my pocket, it literally jumped…. okay…. It slipped out of my unsecure pocket JUST as my car door was closing.

What were the odds of the door closing directly on my phone???

Slim, very slim BUT the odds were ever not in my favour so BAM the door closed and broke my phone along with my heart.

All of the quotes I had on my phone – gone. AND may I say I had a lot – so needless to say I have to rebuild my empire from scratch. Again.

But-

More importantly on my quest to rebuild my empire of quotes I required a new phone and my brother-in-law graciously gave me one. An iPhone 4 ………….. ummm yes……. let’s just say I’m grateful I have a phone…..In all sincerity I haven’t blogged because I’ve been too busy licking my wounds of losing my Samsung, this particular phone has the tiniest screen of life! I feel like I need baby fingers just to navigate on it.

But beggars can’t be choosers. And the funds in my bank account currently express that I can’t be a chooser. So the iPhone stays.

One day. One glorious day I will be reunited with my Samsung and until that day I will be using this iPhone and blogging via it’s tiny screen. 

This blog aside, I’ll be giving a general update this weekend in another post. Yay for technology … and yes I realize I could use my computer to blog it’s just I usually blog when I’m on the go. We shall see, I may have to make a temporary exception.

Steph