Protect Yourself 


I really needed this quote. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in someone – in their behaviour. 

We work so hard to find peace in ourselves to create peace in ourselves. Don’t let the behaviour of someone else destroy it. 

I have.

There have been times in my life where I’ve tried to normalize destructive behaviour. I’d make excuses for the individual because I wanted them to be in my life. 

But at what cost?

At the cost of me. And truth be told, it has never been worth it. 

I deserve more. You deserve more. 

We should never have to justify someone treating us poorly. It just shouldn’t happen. It’s so easy to tell yourself that things will be different. That they didn’t really mean it. 

But they did. 

Otherwise they wouldn’t have to apologize a hundred times for the same hurt they’ve caused you. That’s if they even apologize.

Reality is you can’t change someone. Sure you can identify that you want to help them be better – be happier. You can see their potential. And there is nothing wrong with that. It’s good. But, you can’t change someone and their behaviour, they can only do that for themselves. 

However, let them be in your life long enough and they can change you. They can destroy your inner peace. Hack away at your confidence. Get in your head. Make you the problem when you’re not. Things can get ugly when we allow someone toxic into our life.

Save yourself the suffering and walk away. 

Sure, give them the opportunity to change BUT know your limit. When you have a time frame it makes walking away so much more attainable. And when you walk away try your darndest to not look back (something I’m working on). They had their chance. And now it’s time that you got yours. 

You deserve a chance to be happy. A chance to have peace in your life.  A chance to be treated properly by someone else. 

There are billions of people in this world. You don’t need to let a single person ruin your happy. There are so many more that could add to your life instead of taking away from it.

Don’t justify destructive behaviour. Call it what it is. Identify the problem so you can solve it. 

Protect yourself. Protect everything you’ve worked for and don’t let anyone tear you down.

– Steph 

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Empty Promises


Last week was a whirlwind of emotions. So pardon my lack of posting.

Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out. Lo and behold you don’t. 

When is enough, enough? 

When is someone’s behaviour no longer acceptable? At what point do you reach the end of the line where their excuses aren’t good enough any more, and you aren’t going to take them.

When do we check out? 

I honestly don’t know. I’d like to say as soon as we know we are being treated wrong. 

But that’s the thing – 

We stand up for ourselves when we know we are being treated wrong. We go thru that motion, that expression of self. But then what? 

We give them another chance and they hurt and disappoint us. We stand up for ourselves again demanding a change – to be treated better and then we accept their apology and BAM we go right back into that cycle. And for what? Love? But can it really be love when its one sided?

Sadly, yes it can be. For you it can be. For you it can be a pure love felt for the other person BUT the reality is they arent loving you back the same – if at all. It’s not healthy. Not for you. You give and give and give and you get nothing in return except emotional torment.

Yet, here we are trying to convince ourselves that we aren’t allowing ourselves to be suckered into some sort of toxic relationship – because how could we be when the other person knows that we know we should be treated better. That can’t be toxic, everyone is aware of what’s going on. 

But guess what?! 

They don’t care! It doesn’t matter that they know you know your worth. As long as you let them into your life. Time and time again nothing is going to change. 

Why should it? 

They can do as they please, apologize and everything will go on like it did before.

But when is enough, enough?

How do you let them go?

How do you choose pain? Because that’s what it is. Letting go of the person you love, turning away from them as they beg you not to go. Turning away from them as they profess their love for you, that you so desperately want them to give you. How do you turn away when they are telling you that they know they are in the wrong – acknowledging everything that you’ve been trying to have them see. Doing all of these things. Talking about change. Begging you to not leave them. How do you walk away? 

You just do. You cry most of the time. But the pain is part of the process. That’s why it’s called a broken heart.

All of those things they say are just words. Words at the end of the day that mean nothing. Words that are never applied to action.

And you can’t live a life waiting on words.

It gets you no where. No where other than hurt and disappointed.

When is enough, enough?

How do we stop ourselves from going back? How do we break out of the cycle?

We try. That’s all we can do is try. Try and try again. 

It’s not easy. I’m terrible at it. 

When your heart is set on something it’s hard to let it go. 

But like my sister said. You either choose to be hurt by them over and over again, or you choose to leave and temporarily hurt knowing the pain will eventually go away.

It’s just so hard. 

– Steph

 

What Matters Most

There is nothing quite as satisfying as having your dog curl up next to you – in my case my dog often curls up in my arms or by my neck.

There is just something about the love of a dog. 

Nutmeg  (my dog) is 6 years old. It’s been an amazing 6 years and I hope to have many more. Life would not be the same without her. 

She calms me down and has given me purpose. To care for her and in turn care for myself. Having her in my life has been one of my greatest blessings. 

If you have a dog I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t have a dog but are thinking about one I encourage you to take that step BUT only if you are going to commit. Dogs aren’t disposable – when you buy one it should be with a lifetime in mind.

When I bought Nutmeg I knew in my heart she was non-negotiable. When I moved around (which I’ve done a lot) I always picked dog friendly buildings. Even if that meant spending more money. I made a commitment to Nutmeg the day I bought her. She’s a loyal little soul and deserves the same in return. 

Even if you’re not thinking about getting a dog, but another animal instead I encourage you to look into it. I researched for 2 years before I bought Nutmeg. It may not take you that long BUT know what you are getting into. 

Through the good and the bad she’s remained constant. Through all the changes she’s been there, and that my dear friends is priceless. The kind of love a pet (in my case a fur baby) can give you and you can give in return is truly amazing and is one of the simple ways our hearts can remind us that we know what it is to feel.

– Steph

Boiling Point

  
We all have a boiling point and truth be told it’s okay to be angry. That’s something I’m working on it.

Perhaps the notions sounds silly BUT without a word of a lie, that was the task delegated to me today from my doctor.

My problem with anger is that I always turn it inwards. I never just let myself be angry at the person or situation. I don’t know how to just be angry without harping on myself. Which ultimately turns into me getting down on myself and getting depressed – not angry.

 Stupid is usually the word that comes to mind once I get “angry”.But I’m not stupid – I have every right to feel angry whether it’s actually a valid reason in the eyes of the world or not. If I’ve felt wronged I can be angry about it – simple as that.

The key is to let the anger in so that you can let it out. That way it’s not festering within you. Anger is one of the steps to grieving. True story.

I thought I grieved and got past my anger but the truth is I didn’t and how my doctor (and I) can tell is, it’s like a boomerang I’m angry at myself over and over again for the same reason- 

Key word angry at me not the person who wronged me … Somehow he alway seems to be off the hook and I’m left with mess all on my own even though I didn’t make it.

Nothing about that cycle tells me that I’ve directed the real anger where it needs to go; otherwise I would be able to let it go. And so far I can’t. It’s been futile.

And let me clarify that feeling anger is VERY different then acting on it. Don’t do that, acting in anger is a recipe for disaster. 

So with this all being said, what I’m trying to do is encourage you to reflect and ask yourself if you’re sincerely letting yourself feel angry (which is healthy) or if your doing what I do – turning the anger inwards (you don’t deserve that) boomeranging and come back over and over for the same reason.

Think on it and make the conscious decision to let it come so it can go. The sooner we learn how to do this the happier we’ll be… so I’m told. But who am I kidding that theory makes perfect sense.

– Steph

On the Outside

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I’ve never “fit in” this is a fact of my life. I’ve never had a group of friends that I can call on or go out with because “we’ve got each other’s back” I’ve never been the popular one at school (haha  definitely not one of the popular girls) at work or within my religious group. I’ve just never fit in.

I’ve always been and I continue to find myself on the outside. I do have a few close friends and I cherish them immensely (unfortunately they all basically live in different cities than the one I currently live in)

I’m coming to terms with being a lone wolf. Sure there has been a part of me that would like have that tv perfect group of friends BUT the reality is that’s not my life’s reality. Never has been and I highly doubt it ever will be. 

At the beginning of this school year I met some girls in my program of study, we got along but ultimately I was vetoed out of the group ever so effortlessly – and it’s okay with me. Why? Because I didn’t really fit in with the rest of the girls to begin with. And that’s okay. Sure – initially I felt like a social failure BUT when I thought it over it I figured “so what?”

I don’t want to be in the company of people who don’t want to be in my company.

I don’t think I’m socially awkward but ige questioned it lately. I’ve been told I’m an enigma (haha) A contradictory specimen… for instance I am quite the social butterfly in the eyes of my peers when at a social events; holding conversations, laughing flitting around to whomever however, but when it comes to me actually going out with these people – I’ve got jack.  How is this possible? Meh I don’t know … but it no longer matters. One of my closest dearest friends said it’s because I have an unrealistic pure & kind heart and people don’t know how to handle my goodness in large doses… hahaha let’s go with that!

One consistency in my life is that people often open up and unload their emotional baggage on me – I’m always ready to listen to a troubled soul and I try my best to offer even a shred of comfort (I don’t like seeing people sad because I know sadness all too well) I just so happen to be quite relatable or well adept to the ways or experiences of the world (I’m not saying this to boast) it’s just I figure that’s my calling in life being a shoulder to cry on while trying to bring back their smile. And that’s okay I like helping, it’s just I’ve resigned the idea that I might have “friends” beyond the comforting shoulder and I’m letting that notion go while simultaneously letting the disappointment go with it as well.

I guess I would be lying if i said I don’t  have atleast one group of friends that I can always count on – and this group is composed of my sisters – we are close knit and I would consider each of them my best friend… sureeeee they are all married (with kids and one on the way) leaving me in a different stage of life …and sureee  that eats me up sometimes. BUT eventually I will meet Mr.Right, for goodness sake, there couldn’t possibly be that many more toads in my path! (If there are I think I’ve beaten a record )

Anyways the purpose of this post was to get some thoughts off my chest and reaffirm that worth is not based on the number of friends we have. And that standing alone can ultimately be when we stand the happiest and truest to ourselves. And that is one of my goals –  to stand happy as I stand on the outside. Everytime I think about how I don’t fit in I remind myself that I am being true to myself and eventually if someone(s) want to be friends with me it will be because I’m me and not pretending to be someone I’m not. Fakery is not my Forte. There is too much stress and anxiety wrapped up in people pleasing.

– Steph

Drawing Strength From the Little Heartbeats

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“Mommy? You know…Tia is the strongest girl.”

“Tia” is the Spanish word for Aunt.

This charming little quote belongs to my 4 yr old nephew. My sister sent it to me this morning; additionally she wanted to clarify that my nephew did not pose this as a question rather it was a statement.

This literally melted my heart. My nephews never cease to amaze me with their thoughtful little words. It’s incredible how much they pay attention.

(We attended a Sweet 16 for my cousin this past weekend, again my 4 year old nephew with great concern asked me “Tia why are you not in the princess dress?? You need to be in a princess dress!”… I told him that one day I would be in a white princess dress; that made him very happy)

I have no children of my own, would I love some? YES! But alas, I have no ring on my finger … let alone a man in my life.

Gratefully, I have 7 nephews ranging from 5 years – 3 months. It’s fair to say I get my baby fix. And honestly, as much as I want my own children I know for a fact I’m not ready. I’m not confident enough in my health, by all means I’m pleased with my progress… but having literally just experienced almost 6 weeks of me barely functioning… I don’t think it would be in the best interest for myself or a child if I’m a mom – just yet.

Having a little life growing inside of you is an incredible honor and responsibility.  I want to make sure it’s a happy experience for the both of us. I want to be in more control; it’s funny to think that I even asked myself if being in more control was even possible (this clearly was when I felt invincible… Umm YES!!! IT’S VERY POSSIBLE!

Maybe it’s a wives tale BUT I firmly believe that little darling babies in the womb can feel a mother’s emotions whether they be for better or worse. So I would like to have a firm grip on my emotions.

Frankly, the idea of having babies worries me … I’ve read so many negative articles about women with Bipolar having children or going thru a  pregnancy that was deemed a nightmare… I’d like to think the women who experienced amazing pregnancies were just too busy to post anything … haha yes… we will go with that thought…

Anyways, I’m worried BUT at the same time that worry motivates me. It motivates me to get into the best health possible for myself and my future family. I want to know that when the time comes I will have a healthy pregnancy AND will be prepared to be a healthy mother afterwards.

It won’t be perfect. But nothing in this life is BUT it will be planned and prepared and that brings me comfort. (Yes… I am that girl who reads baby articles, advice about raising children and multiple pinterest boards pertaining to my future babies and kids)

This post kind of went all over the place. But I figured I’d try to record some of my swirling thoughts… it’s been awhile.

One day I will make sure that I am a bipolar mother, or mother-to-be who writes positive and encouraging articles. Happiness is not for a select few, it’s for everyone.

– Steph

Don’t Look Back

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Sometimes you don’t realize how strong you really are…

It’s almost been a year to date since my relationship of 2 years ended. It wasn’t  a perfect relationship by any means. As a matter of fact it had the word abusive attached to it. My abusive relationship ended almost a year ago and when it ended it was the start of a new life for me.

The cycle. That was honestly the hardest part for me…. it was so difficult to escape it. I’d feel so sad, I’d miss him and I’d try to find reasons to take him back… reasons to justify all the hurt he created. BUT then I’d look in the mirror (literally sometimes crying) and remind myself of everything that I deserved, everything that offered and day by day I  distanced myself a little more from our cycle.

His charming words, expressions of love and apologies were no longer shackles around my heart. I came to realize I was strong all on my own. And I could finally admit to myself that nothing was ever going to change if I went back to him. He was the same and is still the same. He doesn’t know how to love me and it’s not my job try and teach him at my own expense. Love shouldn’t have to hurt.

Anyways, the relevance of this story is based on the fact he contacted me last night.  I haven’t seen him in a year and he was in my city; he wanted to see me… and after talking to him for a while I wanted to see him too. I agreed for us to meet the following morning and I had every intention to & every desire to… but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Prior to his contact with me I literally had the most amazing weekend. I went on a double date that was probably the most amazing date I’ve ever been on! Am I going to marry this guy?? Heck! I don’t know. But I do know how I felt on that date, how I was treated and it was significantly different then when I was with me ex. And it gave me hope that Mr. Right is around the corner because I’m  finally doing what’s right for me. Sometimes when we are on the brink of greatness, life tries to distract us and pull us away from what’s around the corner. Don’t fall for this!

How can I move forward if I keep looking back? How can I ever love somone as much or more than I loved my ex if I keep looking back at him. I can’t! I won’t be able to. And there’s so much more. I know there is.

I don’t need to play with fire to know I’ll get burned, I already have my scars to remind me. But my scars also remind me that I survived and I am stronger than whatever hurt me. They are the lessons of life that have made me who I am today. They are the lessons that guide me to choose my better tomorrow.

Yes, I wanted to see him, to hear his voice in person… and for that very reason I told him this morning that I wouldn’t be coming. I don’t need to do that to myself. I don’t want him to have a foot my door again. (Yes, I will admit allowing that contact in general is a bit of his foot in the door… but I’m human and I’m making progress it hasn’t happened over night but it’s happening)

I escaped the cycle and I dont want to ever go back. There is too much ahead.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

– Steph