London Bridge

Isn’t this the truth … And it’s just so funny which is a bonus .

Just when you think your getting it together. London bridge come falling down.

I survived the school year – adjusting medications and all. I’m happy to report I was in the A- A+ percentile … Who knew hard work could pay off so well. It was a challenge but I did it. The only limitations we have are the ones we set ourselves. Tell yourself enough times you can do it and surprisingly you’ll be able to do it.

Now that schools finished I will be working again.

All of the above is fine and dandy.

What’s not fine is the Latuda that I’m I’ve been transitioning on to is no longer covered by my insurance (I have a new insurance) anyways I went in to pick up my medication and the Latuda would have been almost $400.00 – not cool – so I left it and picked up my Lamotragine and Seroquel. Which the Seroquel is on a minimum dose since I’m coming off of it and supposedly have the Latuda.

So much fun! Can’t you tell hah oh goodness.

I have my appointment with my new doctor next week, did I mention to you that my glorious Dr. M is taking on a new position within the hospital SO he will no longer be my psychiatrist. Change oh sweet change how I nervously embrace thee.

Oh well in all honesty I was rebelling against my medication anyway and wanted to talk about taking a new one. The Seroquel is at such a low dose because I told my doctor I wasn’t going to take it anymore … I know I know the audacity BUT I PUT 2 + 2 together !

I took a break from the gym I didn’t eat the most consistent healthy meals I admitted that BUT to gain 15 pounds in a few weeks is unreal an that’s what happened … That my dear friends is medication. And I know it sounds horrible but I’m tired of the weight gain 85% of the time I go to the gym 6 days a week I eat good foods I have a problem with restricting but even that’s gotten better. Aside to from those weeks in hiatus I am a gym goer. And this entire year regardless to the slaving at the gym I’ve been gaining weight. It’s killing me. It’s one thing to have sanity but it’s another thing to lose myself to obesity. I don’t look my weight but I’m nearly at 200 lbs THATS NOT HAPPENING (this is with me going to the gym. This past year and a half I’ve gained nearly 40 lbs all together) I’ve told my doctor i’d rather be crazy then obese. Dramatic. I know BUT there is truth behind those words.

As a result he cut my Seroquel dramatically and I’m done with it in a week. As for the Latuda – I can’t afford it anymore. This poor new doctor has quite the mess to clean up (of course I’ll help)

Anyways this was kind of an update. There’s more but I’ll spare you. But if my love life were a movie the defining moment is hand … Maybe I’ll write about it another day.

Steph

Blessing or a Curse? Or Both?

image

Let’s try to find the silverlining.

Although, I feel cursed at times because of the severe state of depression I routinely enter I also count myself blessed because of the immense amount of joy I feel in my life when I leave that depressive episode.

Without sadness we would never know happiness – that’s just how the cookie crumbles. And for many who are in the same boat as me, sadness can be all too consuming, lasting for weeks BUT the hope that inspires me to hold on is knowing that I’ll find my happiness again and when I do I know it will be glorious.

Happiness is a blessing – I dare say its a privledge; a result of hardwork and selfcare. When I was younger I took it for granted. I expected it without a second thought – it was mine for the taking. I’ve learned that this is not how life works. Happiness is a result of dedication and never giving up even when your hanging on by your fingernails. Happiness is a result of pushing past the ugly, pushing past the hurdles that mental health and life in general throws at us.

Happiness is a gift that I’ve learned to cherish because I never know how long I get to keep it once I’m reunited with it.
Each day counts. Even if they may seem far and few.

It is a curse and a blessing to feel so deeply. To feel so alive that you are walking on sunshine and adversely to feel like death has chained itself to you. I didn’t choose my lot in life but I do get to choose how I react to it (generally speaking) and even if I fail somedays this quote is a perfect illustration of the silverlining I look for… the blessing that only I get to experience with joy; the slice of heaven I get to experience that the average joe doesn’t even have the slightest inkling of. 

We may be different on an emotional level but that level allows us to tap into a greatness that exceeds the “norm”. So with that said – chin up and keep moving forward even if you have to drag your feet or crawl… keep moving forward.

– Steph