Just A Little Bit of Happy

This picture says it all.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Remember it’s the small and simple things that ultimately bring us the most happiness. Take today – take everyday for that matter and find the little things to be grateful for and I promise you’ll be happier than you ever thought possible.

Look for the good and you’ll find it along with a little bit more happiness than you had before.



Here You Are

Here I am. Living.

There was a time when I did not want to live. When thoughts of suicide were my constant companion, however I am grateful to say those days are in the past.

Despite it all, here I am living. Despite having bipolar, here I am living. And not only am I living – but I am loving my life and thriving.

So much has happened over the course of my life, as I am sure you can say the same. So much has happened and yet, here we are.

I am feeling more like alive than I ever have. I am feeling more like the person I’ve always wanted to be but that I thought was beyond my grasp.

Life is precious. Life is wonderful, when I was at my worst I wasn’t alive, I wasn’t living – I was existing, and now with a lot of hard work, optimism and hope – here I am.

I hope everyone realizes how strong they are.

Despite all the hardships and trials you go through, you keep going. That is true strength.

Sorry my last two posts have been short, I have so much to say but I haven’t quite been able to express myself adequately (lots of writing and deleting). I do however have some amazing news and I am hoping to share it shortly.

Life can be so beautifully unexpected, remember that.

– Steph

Darker Days

At times I feel like I am enveloped in darkness. I feel trapped. I feel as though I am less-than because I am not able to escape the depression that plagues my life time and time again.

Yet out of the darkness always comes something beautiful, out of the darkness comes a greater appreciation for life, out of the darkness comes empathy, out of the darkness comes a strength that is unfathomable, out of the darkness comes a resiliency that is far too often undermined by our society.

The butterfly endures the dark, endures being trapped and comes out stronger and more beautiful. The butterfly finds its freedom.

The darkness does not last forever.

– Steph


Blessing or a Curse? Or Both?


Let’s try to find the silverlining.

Although, I feel cursed at times because of the severe state of depression I routinely enter I also count myself blessed because of the immense amount of joy I feel in my life when I leave that depressive episode.

Without sadness we would never know happiness – that’s just how the cookie crumbles. And for many who are in the same boat as me, sadness can be all too consuming, lasting for weeks BUT the hope that inspires me to hold on is knowing that I’ll find my happiness again and when I do I know it will be glorious.

Happiness is a blessing – I dare say its a privledge; a result of hardwork and selfcare. When I was younger I took it for granted. I expected it without a second thought – it was mine for the taking. I’ve learned that this is not how life works. Happiness is a result of dedication and never giving up even when your hanging on by your fingernails. Happiness is a result of pushing past the ugly, pushing past the hurdles that mental health and life in general throws at us.

Happiness is a gift that I’ve learned to cherish because I never know how long I get to keep it once I’m reunited with it.
Each day counts. Even if they may seem far and few.

It is a curse and a blessing to feel so deeply. To feel so alive that you are walking on sunshine and adversely to feel like death has chained itself to you. I didn’t choose my lot in life but I do get to choose how I react to it (generally speaking) and even if I fail somedays this quote is a perfect illustration of the silverlining I look for… the blessing that only I get to experience with joy; the slice of heaven I get to experience that the average joe doesn’t even have the slightest inkling of. 

We may be different on an emotional level but that level allows us to tap into a greatness that exceeds the “norm”. So with that said – chin up and keep moving forward even if you have to drag your feet or crawl… keep moving forward.

– Steph


Thank You for Your Patience


Goodness Gracious!

So much has transpired over the course of these few weeks…. goodness. I can’t even claim it’s only been a few weeks.

My sincerest apologies for flunking and failing as a blogger, I will attempt to redeem my consistency and passion of expression thru my words in these upcoming weeks.

It’s almost the new year. And I have high hopes for my blog; what it stands for – what it offers and what it will offer to those who come across it.

This is just a short post, however, I wanted to say thank you for your patience and let you know I am in fact alive.

Cheers to all.

– Steph


The Sky Above Us


Over the past two weeks I’ve had my fair share of tears. And when I say my fair share…. I literally mean everyday, multiple times a day… sometimes for hours.

How have I mananged to retain water within my body? I have absolutely no idea. I feel like if I were a well I’d be dried up. Gratefully, we can rest assured that I am not a well.

On a more serious note, my functionality over the past week went out the window…up in flames… down the drain, im sure you get the idea. I slept the majority of this week (in between all of my crying) and I haven’t attended school for the past two days.

Honestly, it was all too much this time. It was too much to handle and I was not coping. I was losing my ability to keep a grip, so inorder to protect myself and diffuse the anxst that was building up (my panic attack mode was on)… I stayed home, I took a step back and I allowed myself to go through whatever pain I was feeling and had been trying to cover up over the past few weeks while being surrounded by people all the time.

Their was no pressure to keep a smile on my face, which appeased the anxiety that was mercilessly eating me up! All the thoughts in my head that told me my peers were judging me because I wasn’t on my “A-game” began to subside.  I was no longer exposed! If there is one thing that I can’t handle, it’s when people start to looking at me like I’ve blown a fuse and I’m not functioning “properly” like I “normally” do.

Maybe it’s all in my head and they don’t notice when I start to lose the life in my eyes… regardless, when it’s running rampant in my head that’s when I become the most lethal. So that’s why I needed to take a step back and diffuse the situation before I completely shut down.

I haven’t taken an unofficial  leave of absence for quite sometime, with that being said I’m not about to beat myself up over the fact that I required a “break” this time around.

Life happens and at times emotions get the best of me. However, the lows come and the lows go, even if they may appear bleak and hopeless. There is hope.

Today I can breathe again, I’ve reached the light at the end of this particular dark tunnel. It wasn’t  easy, in fact it sucked. That’s the truth. BUT life goes on, and I’m grateful I  have the ability to bounce back. I can pick up where I left off… I may have to back track a bit BUT I ultimately am still moving forward.

I still have a lot of work to do in pertaining to handling my life’s journey with bipolar  … but I am stronger than I realize. Just like I can confidently say you are too. Strength doesn’t develop when everything goes along perfectly, strength comes when we have to pick ourselves up after we’ve been knocked down over and over. Strength is fighting our personal battles; trying to remind ourselves of our infinite worth.

Our value never diminishes it only grows.

Happy Friday everyone, I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy the rays of sunshine on your skin… the little things that remind us we are alive.

– Steph


Don’t Look Back


Sometimes you don’t realize how strong you really are…

It’s almost been a year to date since my relationship of 2 years ended. It wasn’t  a perfect relationship by any means. As a matter of fact it had the word abusive attached to it. My abusive relationship ended almost a year ago and when it ended it was the start of a new life for me.

The cycle. That was honestly the hardest part for me…. it was so difficult to escape it. I’d feel so sad, I’d miss him and I’d try to find reasons to take him back… reasons to justify all the hurt he created. BUT then I’d look in the mirror (literally sometimes crying) and remind myself of everything that I deserved, everything that offered and day by day I  distanced myself a little more from our cycle.

His charming words, expressions of love and apologies were no longer shackles around my heart. I came to realize I was strong all on my own. And I could finally admit to myself that nothing was ever going to change if I went back to him. He was the same and is still the same. He doesn’t know how to love me and it’s not my job try and teach him at my own expense. Love shouldn’t have to hurt.

Anyways, the relevance of this story is based on the fact he contacted me last night.  I haven’t seen him in a year and he was in my city; he wanted to see me… and after talking to him for a while I wanted to see him too. I agreed for us to meet the following morning and I had every intention to & every desire to… but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Prior to his contact with me I literally had the most amazing weekend. I went on a double date that was probably the most amazing date I’ve ever been on! Am I going to marry this guy?? Heck! I don’t know. But I do know how I felt on that date, how I was treated and it was significantly different then when I was with me ex. And it gave me hope that Mr. Right is around the corner because I’m  finally doing what’s right for me. Sometimes when we are on the brink of greatness, life tries to distract us and pull us away from what’s around the corner. Don’t fall for this!

How can I move forward if I keep looking back? How can I ever love somone as much or more than I loved my ex if I keep looking back at him. I can’t! I won’t be able to. And there’s so much more. I know there is.

I don’t need to play with fire to know I’ll get burned, I already have my scars to remind me. But my scars also remind me that I survived and I am stronger than whatever hurt me. They are the lessons of life that have made me who I am today. They are the lessons that guide me to choose my better tomorrow.

Yes, I wanted to see him, to hear his voice in person… and for that very reason I told him this morning that I wouldn’t be coming. I don’t need to do that to myself. I don’t want him to have a foot my door again. (Yes, I will admit allowing that contact in general is a bit of his foot in the door… but I’m human and I’m making progress it hasn’t happened over night but it’s happening)

I escaped the cycle and I dont want to ever go back. There is too much ahead.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

– Steph