Hope in Bipolar

My life with bipolar thus far has been an incredible learning experience. Over the course of my formal diagnosis, I have become the most self-aware I’ve ever been in my entire life.

That self-awareness did not happen by chance. The happiness and peace that fill my life today – did not happen by chance. My dad always said to me, “anything worth having is worth working for”, and believe me those words never rang more true than when I wanted to find peace and happiness. I wanted to escape chaos and pain; the demons in my head, the self-hatred, the daily suicidal thoughts. I wanted to escape it all.

I wanted happiness. I wanted a life I loved living.

I am so happy that I can tell you all, I am living that life. I worked for it, I invested time in myself; my mental health, my physical health, my spiritual health, building healthy relationships and removing toxic ones. I often cried from exhaustion because it felt like a lost cause, a losing battle BUT I had a vision of the life I wanted to live. I had a vision of the woman I wanted to become and that woman would not be defined by her diagnosis.

I joined a FB page for women with bipolar, and I’ve since then removed myself from that page. I could not bare the toxicity of the majority of the posts (not all BUT the majority). The negative energy that was being spread and applauded. The women in this group found comfort in comparing their terrible experiences or attitudes. There were no silver linings or learning experiences to be found on this page. They hated their diagnosis and as such it was projected on how they viewed themselves and consequently their loved ones.

My life is NOT perfect. How I handle my diagnosis is NOT perfect. But I’ll be darned to ever let anyone think happiness amd stability is out of their grasp because of a diagnosis. Happiness and stability are available to everyone. Sometimes we just have to work a little harder than others to achieve it or keep it.

I want to be clear and transparent when I say I’ve hated myself. I’ve hated my life. I’ve been in toxic relationships. I’ve felt like I was a burden to my loved ones. I felt like finishing my education was out of my grasp. I’ve been suicidal. I’ve hurt myself intentionally. I’ve spent money to the point I had to declare bankruptcy. I’ve ruined relationships and broken trust. I’ve cried oceans of tears for days and nights without rest.

But I did not settle for that life.

I felt and experienced those things as so many people do with bipolar – there is no shame. I am not ashamed of the life I’ve lived and the battle scars I’ve acquired. I want you to understand, I am not trying to sit here saying I am holy than thou and my life is magical. I want you to understand that there is hope. That if I can find happiness with my life – with bipolar – you can too.

If you are new to your diagnosis. If you are a veteran with your diagnosis, if you hate your diagnosis, if you feel helpless with the cards you’ve been dealt in this life. I’m here to tell you it can get better.

I’m going to be blunt when I say, it doesn’t have to get better. It really doesn’t, your life can be miserable till the end of time – it all comes down to you. You and what you want to work for. I promise you that if you put in the work, even when you don’t feel like it OR feel nothing at all (because let’s not kid ourselves – it happens) you will see yourself and this diagnosis in a way you never thought possible.

Will all your problems go away? Heck no! Will the highs and the lows vanish? Not a chance! But will you feel like you can handle them a bit better than you could before? Yes.

I knew deep down my life was not meant to be lived with all the pain I was living in. I knew that people loved lifè and why should I be exempt from feeling that love of life also? When I was diagnosed my life was in shambles, this diagnosis terrified me BUT it also gave me hope.

When you have hope, your possibilities are endless. The hope I gained from my diagnosis was a tiny seed. However, by reading about this disorder, educating myself, participating in all the therapy available to me – that hope grew day by day. Sometimes it faltered but I nourished it the best I could AND it grew stronger.

Hope and hard work – that is what my reality of living a life I love is made of.

I encourage you to look at your diagnosis not as a burden but as a symbol of hope. Cling to this hope and know that happiness is not reserved for a select few. Cling to this hope and recognize how valuable you are, how divine your potential is. Please recognize that from the depths of despair we can rise into unthinkable joy.

My life, my diagnosis – NOT perfect. But I can say I love my life and I consider myself happy. Yes, I’m sad and I feel empty sometimes but it makes me recognize and value my happiness so much more when I get to experience it again. Silver linings.

Bipolar is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Thinking that bipolar is the worst thing to happen to you – that is the worst thing that can happen to you.

– Steph

1 Day At A Time

It’s so funny what a little self-discipline can do.

Not a major difference in terms of stats BUT mentally I feel like a million bucks. I feel like I am in control again, and that I am capable of reaching my goals both mentally and physically when it comes to my overall well-being.

Turning down cravings this week made me feel so strong. I know, I know – it was one week but I am going day by day so that is 7 days of me being in control. Whereas, the weeks let alone days prior I was a gong show consuming anything and everything.

I’d say eating was a win the past 7 days. I still have a long way to go with cleaning up my dietary habits, but I know I’m capable and on the right track. Just one meal or snack at a time. All the weight I want to lose didn’t happen overnight, so it’s not going to come off as fast either.

This week I indulged with pizza and cinnastix on Friday, but I don’t even feel guilty because I tracked it and was accountable to myself with what I put in my mouth. Normally, I would feel guilty. I think the difference was it was a cheat meal on 1 day rather than multiple meals over multiple days. Moderation.

In terms of working out, it was a win-ish. I walk-jogged 2 times this week, so not 3 times BUT it’s a start. I exercised formally once BUT I did go for walks everyday and sometimes twice a day SO I counted that towards my workout tally.

This week my goal is to be more intentional with planned workouts, but I know I’m going to struggle getting it done at home – I really don’t like working out at home, but you do what you gotta do. I’ve got goals!

Was it a perfect record this week? Nope, but that was to be expected. It was however, a week with more accountability and awareness.

I am happy with what I accomplished, it has helped put me in the right mindset for the next 7 days. I’m going to aim for the walk-jog 3 times this week, excercise with FitOn 3 times this week and continue tracking my food and keep the processed sugars at a minimum. No candy for the win.

I’ll pass on stats today, but I’ll do them with a photo next week. I’m trying not to get too caught up with the numbers and rather focus on how I feel and look instead. Apparently, I obsess not just with the scale number but also inches. I’m trying to find a happy medium – where I don’t jump off the deep end when I don’t see a number I want to see. It’s about a lifestyle at the end of the day – stats are just a bonus.

It’s Monday, and I feel like I am heading in the right direction.

– Steph

Putting On a Brave Face

I hope everyone had a wonderful easter weekend. I was also going to say long weekend… except I feel like with everyone staying home these days it was kind of redundant.

I will try to make this post something you can have a take away with. But ooooo child! Do I have a crazy story about my Thursday and Friday leading into my easter weekend.

I have this weird thing where my heart hurts, it can be fine and then it will be in explosive excruciating pain and I have no idea why. This sensation happened again earlier in March and I went to emergency, because my sister insisted that this was not normal. I have to agree, it has happened one too many times to be coincidence.

Anyways, I go. They do an EKG, the doctor comes in and looks at me and says I’m a healthy young woman and this is nothing to worry about. My EKG was fine and it’s only happened a handful of times, “so don’t worry about it.”

This was not exactly comforting and when I shared it with this same sister who insisted I go to emergency, she followed up with insisting I go to our family doctor (we have the same family doctor) because he is way more thorough and will take it seriously.

So I go, I meet my family doctor and he says he wants to do some bloodwork, a lovely sample of you know what (so I drank water), another EKG and a chest x-ray – just to be safe. I appreciated his thoroughness and with work and life I just managed to go to do these tests at our local hospital on this past Thursday. Well my friends, I got more than I anticipated.

I did my x-ray first and then followed it with all the other fun bits. I cried when they took my blood and nearly hyperventilated because I’m terrified of blood and needles (a winner I know) but I managed. By the time I got back to my car my phone rang and lo and behold it was my family doctor calling me. He wanted to reach me sooner than later because he recieved notice about my chest x-ray and it was a bit concerning. He asked if I’d be willing to go to emergency for the doctor there to check me out and go over the x-ray with me.

So I go, and I wait. Surprisingly, the wait was not that long compared to normal. The doctor talks with me, assesses me and I seem fine (I felt fine), yet my x-ray said otherwise. He wants to be sure so he asks me to go to the larger city emergency. He called ahead, gave me a package of notes and said they’d be expecting me.

I arrive and they put me right thru to a room (this never happens). A nurse comes in and asks questions followed by a doctor. He assess me, again, I seem fine (I feel fine) and he thinks this may just be a blip in the x-ray from a bad angle. He tells me he’s going to review my x-ray and then I should be good to go.

Next thing, I’m told I’m having an iv put in my arm and more bloodwork. Now. Now. Now. Needles for bloodwork are one thing and needles for an IV which is like a permanent needle attached to you is another matter. Additionally, I was by myself because only sick patrons are allowed in the hospital because of covid. So, I was predictably beside myself.

The nurse came in and I felt like I was going to pass out, I stuttered as I tried to talk to her as she tried to distract me and shockingly enough I didn’t cry aloud. I was vibrating at the end and I literally felt like death – I couldn’t look at my arm without tears welling up; and then because life was having a chuckle at my expense I was told I’m going for an x-ray. I go, I have to undress, with this IV in the inside of my elbow. Painful. YES!

Then I get back to my room and I’m told I’m going for another x-ray! Different position. Again, unrobing and more pain and awareness of the IV. And then the doctor comes in and talks to me. He says he can’t explain why, but all 3 x-rays are conclusive and show the same thing. So he’s sending me for a CT scan. So 2 hours later after drinking a medicated beverage I go for my scan.

I’m not sure who has endured a CT scan before, but the injection into the IV made me cry out, so much pain in such an instant. The scan finished and a surgeon was waiting in the results room, he comes to me as I’m getting up and walks and talks with me back to my ER room. He can’t find an explanation in my results, however wants more time to look and asks of I would be willing to be admitted to the hospital.

So my friends, I was admitted. My poor husband who was waiting in the car from 7 pm – 1 am was told to go home. We couldn’t see each other. They gave me medication from their pharmacy at 3 am and I was connected to a drip. I slept the best I could… I tried not to think of the IV but it was so prominent and painful.

Eventually, I was woken up at 7 am by 2 surgeons who wanted to check in on me. They assessed me, I was fine (apart from the IV – I felt fine) and then I was left alone to sleep. So I slept. I didn’t get to take my Latuda because I wasn’t allowed to eat, so that was the one medication I missed at 3 am when they dished them to me… and to be honest I probably needed it the most.

By 6 pm on Friday, I was assessed 1 more time. More bloodwork, another x-ray and then I was told I could go BUT to come back if anything intensified. Also, I was required to book a follow-up appointment.

I was so happy to leave and see my husband! And my dog!

Fear. As I talked with my family (parents and sisters) and my husband I joked around a lot, made light of the situation. But in all honesty, it was really, really, really hard on me.

To be alone as doctors are poking and prodding you, telling you there is something wrong BUT they don’t know how it happened. To be told you need to be monitored. And to be attached to your biggest fear for 24 hrs essentially. It messed with me.

I’m proud of myself for not hyperventilating or crying audibly BUT from start to finish in the hospital I was emotionally overwhelmed and distraught. I essentially cried silently to myself, trying to keep a brave face on.

When I got home, I showered and slept. My husband probably wondered why, because thats all I did at the hospital BUT I was so emotionally exhausted. I had put the brave face on, because I needed to BUT I was terrified the entire time.

At the end of the day, I’m okay. They are calling it spontaneous and so long as their is no pain where they told me I should be experiencing pain – I’m golden. It should all go away with time and I’ll be in mint condition.

I have a follow-up with my family doctor on Thursday, so I’m sure I’ll get to hear a bit more of an explanation and ask some questions.

Life is so unpredictable. It’s so fragile. You can be walking around feeling fine and lo and behold there is something cooking on the inside of you that you had no idea about. I’m grateful for my persistent sister who told me to take my health seriously. I went in for one thing and came out with something entirely different. Who knew?!

A tender mercy, if I wouldn’t have gone for a 2nd opinion this problem wouldn’t have been brought to life and wouldn’t be monitored like it is now. The goal is better, not worse.

Take your health seriously. Go for a 2nd opinion.

Also, recognize that you are braver than you know. And there is a time and place for it and if you don’t back down you can do overcome anything you put your mind to – even a crazy long painful IV aka needle in your elbow for 24 hrs.

Also, after going thru something traumatic give yourself some time to heal. Don’t put pressure on yourself to bounce back and be uppity up. I wasn’t okay for a few days. I felt broken, and that was all from the mental exhaustion of my hospital experience.

We are stronger than we know, be brave when bravery is required and be tender to yourself and your recovery when you are able to put the brave face down for a rest.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and healthy week.

– Steph

What to Say

I don’t feel “depressed”, I don’t feel “anxious”, I don’t feel “unhappy”, yet I feel a sense of emptiness. I feel like I have no motivation to start or finish anything –
I have a tons of things I could be doing during this time of quarantine yet I am complaining I’m bored … because I’m not doing anything because I have no desire to. Heck! I’m working from home so I even have an additional 3 hrs in my day because I am not commuting.

What to do?!

That’s another thing, I apologize for not posting. I’ve had ever intention to write and post, alas I have not had the motivation to. Perhaps I am lowkey depressed. I have things swirling thru my mind yet I’m incapable of formulating sentences. The times I have attempted to write I’ve scrapped the content because it was garbage. I am not even the biggest fan of this post BUT I know I need to let you know I’m still here – I just have writers block.

I feel like I’m on the brink of feeling happy, yet that emptiness is so prevalent. I feel stuck. Perhaps, this quarantine and isolation is doing more to my psyche than I realized.

On a positive note, a perk of working from home is I get to spend the full day with my dog Nutmeg and I’m pretty sure she is enjoying me being with her 24/7 considering she’s on my lap all day and showers me with kisses non-stop. #blessed

Everyone keep your chin up, this is a trying time in our lives but we will get thru it. I feel a bit discombobulated and I think that is why my mood is so hard to pinpoint.

I’ll try to gather my thoughts and compose something a little more insightful next week.

– Steph

Frustrated is an Understatement

To say I’m frustrated is an understatement. I weighed in at 171.4 lbs, which means I’ve gone up in weight – but who cares. Honestly, I am fluctuating between 169 and 172 and I over it (but not actually). I know I said it wasn’t about the number BUT when I’m working out and eating clean for 85/15 then why the heck aren’t I seeing the number drop.

Sure, clothes are fitting better BUT I feel like I look EXACTLY the same as at the beginning of February end of January… and it’s really no surprise considering my stats haven’t changed. I am not even close to where I want to be at the end of my journey and yet my body is rejecting the change I’m trying to create.

If I’ve ever felt like saying “whatever” and throwing the towel in – this is it. I’m just so FRUSTRATED.

How can 170 be my comfortable natural weight? It’s obviously not BUT I can’t get lower, what will it take? Starvation? Not that I’d go there as tempting as it might be.

It is what it is. I’ll keep going to the gym, I’ll keep eating clean. And I’ll just be grateful my clothes fit and look good.

As for stats, aside from my weight I dont have anything, I threw the measuring tape once I saw that my first measure was the same as last week. I know, I know …. I was what we would call having a tantrum BUT I am not even ashamed; just frustrated.

Happy Monday everyone.

– Steph

A Few More Hours in My Day

Holy Cow!

I have been trying to find a rhythm with work, gym and life in general and I’m not sure that I’ve been succeeding as I’ve failed to seriously blog the past while.

Work has been going really good so far, it is pretty low key and low stress, which is great! I start at a later time, which let’s me sleep in longer and the commute has been pretty good. It has just been a matter of finding balance with the remaining hours of the day once I get home with respects to accomplishing what I want to accomplish.

My spanish studies are on hold. I’ve decided I’m going to enroll in classes when the time comes to commit. For now I am focusing on shona. The national language of Zimbabwe (where my husband is from). I have to say I LOVE THE LANGUAGE at least what I know so far, which isnt a lot BUT I can read the words to pronounce and spell them – it’s a start. I have started flashcards, so now it’s a matter of memorizing some phrases and words so I can compose sentences next. We want to go to Zimbabwe in 2021 and I want our kids to speak shona when they come into the picture. I think learning a second language is super beneficial and allows you to feeling more connected to your heritage.

I have been having a lot of fun learning shona with my husband, he has been a really good sport and indulges me with 1-3 hr sessions a week where I pick his brain. I’m not sure if he’s loving it BUT I love sharing the time with him especially because it has to do with learning about his native tongue.

Aside from that, some personal projects are on the go.

One thing that I want to do is a review on some facial products that I bought. I really want to get back into focusing on me and doing face masks once a week like I was doing routinely in my former city BUT I want to add the extra frills of toners, serums and moisturizers to see where I can really take my skin. There is a drug store brand named Pixie and I bought a few products, they were reasonably priced in my opinion and so I’m excited to see if they make a difference. I’ve taken some before photos of my face to show my skin and I’d like to see the difference in 3 months.

In addition to doing a skin care regiment religiously I want to take biotin everyday for skin, nails and hair. I snapped a photo of my hair length and I am happy with it BUT it wouldn’t hurt to see it get longer. I just want to continue with the theme of being physically healthy. And that means your entire body – skin is the largest organ of the human body. I think I should be doing more than the bare minimum. I’ve been trying to go more minimalistic with my esthetic (as mentioned in a former post) and I really want to feel confident in my skin without makeup and lately my skin has been freaking out SO minimal make-up has not been the case. All I think it needs is a little TLC – some consistency and some proactive care.

I’ll let you know at the end of my experiment and I’ll list the products used. My skin is generally dry, however for a random period of time I looked extra slick! Super annoying. However, now that it’s dry again I have to be conscious of looking dull and like I’m a snake shedding a layer of skin – gross I know. That is where my exfoliating face masks and personal micro dermabrasion tool comes in. We will see.

Sorry this post is more of an update than anything…again I’m trying to find my rhythm. It’s terrible, but I haven’t even been playing my guitar. I think I need a few more hours in the day!

– Steph

Let’s Try This Again

Okay, it is the beginning of March and I should have progress photos to share. Sorry to disappoint but I never had time to get them done. However, I can assure you I look the exact same as February.

My stats are as follows:

Heaviest Weight: 198lbs
Goal Weight: 155lbs

Jan 1/2020 Weight: 172.2 lbs
Feb 1/2020 Weight: 169.6 lbs
Current Weight: 170.6 lbs

Measurements

Jan 1/2020 Bust: 40″
Feb 1/2020 Bust: 40″
Current Bust: 39″

Jan 1/2020 Waist: 32″
Feb 1/2020 Waist: 31″
Current Waist: 31″

Jan 1/2020 Hips: 42.5″
Feb 1/2020 Hips: 42″
Current Hips: 41.5″

So as you can see I’m up a pound, this is most annoying. I have not been able to break away from 169-172 for the past 4 weeks at minimum. I think I need to be laser focused on my nutrition for the month of March. The last few weeks I’ve been off the wagon a bit. Inconsistent gym time based on injury and holidays. The recipe for stagnant weight and inches lost.

I’m going to keep trying though, move forward in March and see what I can do. Unfortunately, my gym routine with my sister is seemingly coming to an end. It is just not working with my new work schedule. We can’t coordinate a time that works for me and my sleep and her having someone to watch her kids so we can go earlier.

This week I’ll be attempting working out during my lunch break at work. We have access to a beautiful gym for free, so I want to take advantage of it. I will be doing cardio in the evenings on Mon, Wed and Fri for 20-30 minutes and my sister and I will keep going to aquafit on Thurs.

I am hoping to get back in the swing of things and hopefully break into the 165 zone. I know it’s possible. It is just going to require a bit of extra work and attention to detail.

Happy workouts everyone. When you hit a wall dont stop, climb over or walk around BUT keep going. I know it will be worth it when I see how far I’ve come at the 9 month mark of my journey.

– Steph

Bumps In The Road

So life throws curve balls sometimes or if we want to be a bit more dramatic we can say wrenches. My shoulder(s), primarily my right shoulder have been acting up like CRAZY! It hurt to sleep, to hold things in my hands, to grip things in general. It was blatantly painful with no beating around the bush.

That being said, life happened as well, I went away for the long weekend and as a result of the above noted, my gym routine suffered.

Pain is no joke. I’ve learned the hard way that you do not push through pain. There is a difference between pain and discomfort from soreness or exertion. Push through those BUT not pain, otherwise you could do more damage.

I’ve rested essentially with minimum use of weights the past two weeks. If I lifted it was between 5-10 lbs which is a far cry from what I usually lift. But you do what you gotta do.

I’m hoping and looking forward to going back consistently with serious workouts… I just hope and pray my body obliges.

Stats time!

Heaviest Weight: 198lbs
Goal Weight: 155
Current Weight: 169.6

Measurements:

Bust: 39.5″
Waist: 30.5″
Hips: 41.5″

Shockingly I’m down in the stats department – I’ll take it!

Some bumps in the road lately, but my eyes are on the prize and I’ll keep heading in the direction I know will get me to it, even if I go inch-by-inch.

– Steph

Endless Possibilities

I’m not manic, but I’m feeling pretty darn good.

This week I started my new job, and might I say, I’ve made it to the big leagues my friends!

This firm is beautiful! It’s massive and everyone I’ve met has been so welcoming, which gives me good feels. 3 associates that I’ll be working with invited me for lunch. I’m a little nervous, but I think it will be a nice icebreaker. The Senior Partner that I am directly assisting seems like a nice man… again I’m getting good vibes.

When I was contemplating applying for this position I was really getting into my own head. I was excited about the firm, the area of law I would be working in (intellectual property…. how cool right?!?) and the challenge it would offer my career BUT then came the doubt.

I doubted my ability to commute, my ability to work for a senior partner, my ability to fit in one of the largest international firms of Canada, and my ability to learn a new area of law.

I was building walls around myself with limits I was inadvertently placing on myself with the “challenges” I was telling myself I would face. So, what did I do? I applied anyways and told myself I’d give it my all and if it was meant to be – it would be.

After submitting my resume I received a phone call, which resulted in a 20 minute over the phone interview. I was then contacted about a week later and invited to do a in-person interview. The nerves were real! I was so excited for the interview but was incredibly anxious… I literally scratched my legs to the point that I broke blood vessels (I scratch when I’m anxious, terrible habit).

So the 2nd interview took place with 2 personnel. The head of HR and an assistant. As soon as I sat down I felt a surge of confidence, how or why? I can easily say it was an answer to a prayer. I thought the interview went great. However, following our meeting I was asked to do an assessment on Microsoft Word, Excel and PowerPoint. Let me just say the letter I read was probably the most complex letter I’ve ever seen and my objective was to proof read. YIKES!

After I left the assessment I felt deflated, I sincerely felt like I bombed the proof reading portion. However, shockingly I was asked for a 3rd interview! This time when I entered the room there were 3 associates, the Senior Partner and HR staring at me. I answered all the questions confidently with my legs vibrating under the table. Again, I wasn’t quite sure I made the cut, there were some pretty intense questions.

Surprise, surprise after that entire process they offered me the position! And HR said my assessment was incredible, they said that my proof reading caught errors that weren’t even in their answer key! Talk about a shocker!

Ultimately, I was challenged every step of the way to attain this position. However, with each challenge I surprised myself with my composure in the trenches. I also learned I need to give myself a little more credit for what I offer as an assistant. When I was offered the job I was told that “ everyone was impressed by me.” By me! Can you believe that??

Can you imagine if I would have settled with the limits I was justifying in my head. If I would have limited myself because of the challenge applying for this position posed? I would have missed out on an amazing job offer from a firm that thinks I am worth investing in!

Surprisingly enough I wasn’t even nervous going into my first day of work this week. I think the intense interview process made me realize I am more than enough to fulfill and excel in this role. I bring skills and value to this role and I’m going to own it!

As I sat in the training the past few days, I’ve grown more and more confident and more and more excited. There is so much potential to learn, grow and shine in my role and I’m ready for it.

I really want to go into 2020 shedding limits I put on challenges and take as much opportunity as possible to challenge the limits I have in place (that need to break). We are our only limit when it comes to what we can accomplish, when it comes to our confidence, and when it comes to our growth. I want to burst through my self-imposed limits and face new challenges and grow a little more with each and every single one.

I encourage you to look at yourself with a little more confidence, look at yourself with a little more love and encouragement that YOU CAN OVERCOME CHALLENGING THINGS, and not just overcome but THRIVE.

Take that leap of faith to do something that you might think is out of your comfort zone and you just may be amazed at what opportunities unfold.

– Steph

Give It All You’ve Got

So last week was pretty challenging with respects to my fitness regime but just as I wrote in a previous post, we must be stubborn about our goals and flexible about our methods.

That being said I was flexible. I attended the gym 3 times last week, the Fiton exercises have been non-existent… needless to say I will be working on that. But I did literal gym time which is where I’ve always struggled to be consistent. So YAY for that.

I don’t know why BUT I was super exhausted this past week so getting to the gym was a trial in itself, but when I went I gave it my all.

On Monday my sister and I adhered to the workout plan cardio, weights and core. However, Wednesday once we finished cardio, we looked at each other and decided we needed to spice things up. Ultimately, we ended up doing a virtual Zumba class, which neither of us have ever done before. Might I say, not too shabby. The Zumba was a way for us to move and get a workout in when we both really didn’t feel like working out.

Thursday, our aquafit day never came to fruition as I was in a pretty foul mood (Nutmeg, my dog woke me up 4 times throughout the night!!!! The little turkey assisted me with waking up on the wrong side of the bed) this resulted in me having no desire to be wet. So that one was on me.

Friday’s workout ended up turning into a Saturday’s workout. My sisters and their families and my husband and I, all went out and didn’t get home until 11pm on Friday night. Needless to say my sister and I opted to do leg day the next day.

Consistent gym time is the objective, and when I get to the gym my goal is to give it my all. I’m happy to say, even though my energy level was low I gave all that I had to give in each session I went. Perhaps my 100% of effort this past week only looked like 75% in my previous weeks BUT that’s not the point. Every day; Every workout I want to be aware of what I have to offer and let’s be honest – it is going to fluctuate.

DO NOT GET DOWN ON YOURSELF if your everything doesn’t meet or surpass a previous workout. Do what you can with what you have to offer on that given day.

Previously (years ago), when I was obsessed with the gym I would go for 2 hours everyday. Drip sweat and nearly die each and every workout. I had a standard that I required myself to meet and there was no mercy granted to myself. This my friends is not how you build a healthy, sustainable relationship with the gym OR yourself. Show compassion, kindness, patience and mercy towards yourself on the days that you don’t feel your best. You deserve a pat on the back for just getting to the gym.

Every workout will not be a spitting image of the previous one. Your energy will fluctuate and that is where you need to give it your all and know that it is enough. Be realistic with yourself and you will be able to give yourself a whole lot more love and appreciation for what you do accomplish. Give it your all, whatever that looks like throughout your week and you’ll never lose.

Now my friends, stats for the week.

Heaviest Weight: 198lbs
Goal Weight: 155
Current Weight: 170.2

Measurements:

Bust: 40″
Waist: 31″
Hips: 41.5″

Regardless to the numbers posted above, I see and feel that progress is being made. My relationship with fitness is the healthiest it’s ever been and my relationship with food is heading in the right direction. All in all I know I’m getting closer to my fitness and wellness goals each day and for that I am grateful and proud of myself.

Happy workouts this week everyone.

– Steph