I Want to be ME – Again

Here I was hoping to gain some consistency with my posts – FAIL.

However, that being said I do feel better knowing I am using a different host for my site. That isn’t to say I want to use it as a crutch and not post content, but it does ease my mind when I hit my lulls and I know that I am not paying thru the roof.

Last week was pretty spectacular, my husband and I took time off work and drove to visit my family 13 hrs one way and 13 hrs back – the drive was worth it. It was so nice to see everyone (sadly I didn’t get to see my oldest sister and her family due to distance and time constraints)

I could go on about how great it was seeing everyone BUT instead I have a different topic in mind.

Medication.

I recently(ish) posted about the medication I am currently taking. That’s all fine and dandy. I expressed that I am living a stable life, which I am.

BUT my dear friends, I had an awakening on this trip. It awakened fears that I refused to say aloud prior and now I am in a predicament.

Before our trip I took my medication early the night before the day we left, we left at 3pm on Wednesday and drove non-stop and arrived at 7am on Thursday (include a ferry ride in the travel time) which meant I took my medication on Tuesday. Throughout the travel I did not take my medication, because I was driving part of the way and my pills were packed and unavailable. That being said I did not sleep and throughout the night my husband kept asking if I was tired and if I was going to sleep – but I wasn’t and sleep wasn’t an option without my medication as per usual.

We arrived safely and I was a bubbly can of pop (some credit goes to the excitement of seeing my family), my husband went to sleep and I laid down, however I didn’t sleep and we eventually got up at 10 am and we proceeded to get ready for our big surprise.

I was so happy, I felt so light, so awake, so free I was alert and witty and cracking jokes like I was the last comic standing.

At one point my husband stared at me and said he didn’t recognize me and not in a bad way. Our day progressed and I was on cloud 9, everything was crystal clear and vivid there was no smog.

So what am I getting at? What was my fear? What was realized?

I already addressed that my creative flair has been dimmed by my medication, but I have been working on that area of my life – trying to use my creative mind and engage myself in activities that stimulate it wherewith it naturally came before. Failing – but trying.

But my dear friends, as is the fear of so many people who take medication- do we lose ourselves?

My thought is yes and no. Like my husband said, he didn’t recognize me BUT I was me. I was Stephanie, I just wasn’t the mellow toned down version that I have been for the past few years based on the medication I take. I’m not hating on my medication, I am so grateful to have the life I have, the stability that I have – I am able to hold a job, be in a relationship that led to marriage BUT because of this trip I realized just how high the cost for all of that stability really is.

There have been parts of “Stephanie” that have been caged so to speak. Parts of me that aren’t able to come out to be free like they used to.

I have been feeling like I go thru motions, I’m alive don’t get me wrong, I do things, but I’m exhausted all the while. I refer to myself as dopey. I laugh of course but I am not peppy and if you knew me prior to medication or the increased dosage that I progressed to, I was the definition of peppy in a good way.

That week I felt like a bird let out of a cage, but I do realize that for my own safety I have to return to the cage. And that hurts.

But where do I go from here. Birds aren’t meant to be caged their whole lives, they should be able to spread their wings every now and then. But the idea of not taking my medication isn’t on the table. I’m not about to play with fire. I’ve become so used to this medication, heck up until recently I thought I was living the life. And I am – but I’m not.

I want me back.

I am not sure if it’s all about my medication but I just feel so bland, no motivation, no drive, just going thru the motions because I know that’s what I should do. And this has been the case for a while.

I have the time to do things, yet I don’t because I’m too tired.

I’m tired all the time. I’ve cut back on my sleeping pills at time and I dont sleep so I am at a loss. I’m going to keep trying to tweak them.

I never had the time to do things when I was living on my own because of my work, commute, long distance relationship and dedication to the gym. I wasn’t living with anyone. I never had to compare my energy level to anyone around me, but now that I’m living with my husband its made me realize how much of a drag I am. Literally. I drag my feet because I am so tired. He reads and I sit there scrolling thru my phone because my mind craves nothingness. There is no spark inspiring me to do something with myself. If it wasn’t for my husband I’d probably work and sleep and that would be the sum of my life.

Yes, previously I would go home to visit my parents and sisters on weekends, and I was pretty dull now that I think of it. I would just sit on the couch and talk or sleep. I used to be the fun tia (aunt) throwing my nephews around, and progressively as my medication increased my playfulness decreased “tia was too tired”, that wasn’t the case when I was unmedicated and visiting my family the last week. My nephews had their fun tia back for a day, it felt so good tossing them around and listening to them squeal in delight.

It was a joke by someone but I was described as a food recently based on my lifestyle, the food if you can guess was a bland potato. No spice. No variety. So true.

In all honesty, I am terrified to start tweaking my medication, I dont really have a lot of trust in my psychiatrist here. She is nice, but I dont think she takes me seriously and is invested in my health like my other doctors. I dont want to give up my stability BUT I don’t want to be this bland potato. Making my husband suffer because I have nothing interesting to say, think or do.

I do guitar, I’m starting boxing this week, I’m going back to the gym, I’m going to pick a book and commit to reading it this week. Mind over matter right?

Maybe I can’t be peppy, but I can have spice in my life a.k.a variety. But this sounds like a tale I’ve heard before and at the end of the day the smog clouded my destination and I remained the potato rather than whatever food you could possibly think of that has an array of spice to it.

I think if I do the things I mentioned above and actually do them and my energy level doesn’t increase then I’ll talk to my doctor. If I dont have the drive to do anything, which I haven’t, I know something is wrong. Something has been wrong for a long while, I was just to scared to admit it because I was gaining “stability”.

But as my philosophy goes – if you are aware of the problem, you can fix the problem.

I have goals, but then I have to ask myself – do I really? I have not committed to anything aside from my guitar, everything has been swaying with the wind. Unacceptable.

Also something that I found while working in 2017 – present date, is that my memory is shot. If it’s not written down I can’t tell you what it is about. That’s something that concerns me, I used to consider myself quite intelligent and my memory was something that contributed to that. I’m no Einstein but I navigated my way thru life with intelligent things to say and write and now I’m stumped. I lack luster. I lack ideas and creative thoughts.

Oh what a world.

I am so grateful to my patient husband, he says he loves me as I am and I know he does, but the way he looked at me with the smile on his face when I was free as a bird, uncaged. I can’t get it out of my mind. I want to be her. The fun Stephanie. Someone who can make everyone laugh, hold a conversation, toss my nephews and now nieces around, read books, have inspiring thoughts that can be translated into writing. I want her back.

I’ll give my self the next 30 days to find myself again, find my footing, and if I can’t do it – I’ll talk to my doctor about my medication, something I am not looking forward to.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

I’ll find her again, maybe not all but a part. That is my goal.

– Steph