Hello My Love – A Poem

For my Happy Now post I am going to talk about something that brings me joy, which is poetry. I generally write it or am inspired to write it about or for people I love.

Back in the day, during my “dark ages”, I tended to write about the pain I was in whether it be regarding my mental health or the particular relationship I was in. It’s like looking back on a different person when I read that poetry today.

I’ve always enjoyed poetry, it was in grade 5 that I discovered I wasn’t too shabby at it and went on to compile many poems (some make me cringe but I appreciate the creative side I was exploring at that early age)

Typically I don’t share my poetry aside from my immediate family, and husband. However, this year I have been really trying to do new things and take advantage of my stability – living a life now that a few years ago I felt would never come to pass. Stepping out with more confidence shall we say.

So, what does that all have to do with poetry?

Well, my dear readers I entered a contest a few weeks ago. This particular contest caters to entrants who live with a mental health challenge. That’s not to say that’s what you had to write about BUT that was the first thing that came to my mind. So that is exactly what I wrote about.

It was nerve wracking putting myself out for rejection, but you grow when you put yourself in situations that are out of your norm. So I entered.

I received the results back and I did not win or place. However, I do feel like I won. I did something I would have never dreamed of doing before and I grew because of it.

Rejection is a part of life. My family is kind and told me that I should have won. That’s one definite way to know they love me.

So today my dear friends I decided that I will be sharing the poem I entered in the contest.

I hope you enjoy it, and I’ll try to breathe a little more knowing it’s available for everyone in the world to see. But perhaps it will allow me to start sharing beyond my family.

I may not be the world’s greatest poet, but writing poetry enriches my soul and opens another door of self expression for which I am grateful.

I hope you enjoy!

The poem is called –

Hello My Love

Hello my love, she says to herself as she stares into the mirror.

Take courage as you face your day,

Remember there is nothing to fear.

The demons may come,

The demons may go,

But you must stay the course –

You just need to remind yourself that you are strong and use your inner voice.

The lows will come accordingly,

But so will the momentous highs,

You’ll find yourself in bottomless pits then upward into boundless skies.

You are all to familiar knowing that your bitter pain has a relentless companion-

It’s name is hypomania or mania depending on what happens.

These companions are always walking hand in hand,

A contradicting relationship that is at times hard to understand,

And as they walk together all you can do is follow cautiously behind,

Trying to avoid a scene that you will not be able to hide.

You need to face each one with conscientious restraint.

Never letting either consume you –

Constantly resisting to take the bait.

The bait of passion and chaos,

Giving in to emotions unbridled.

While everyone around you is unbeknownst to this battle, because of your charming smile.

That smile that exclaims composure and concealment as you try to find your pace.

A pace where you can breathe as you dip low then high in this mental race.

What does it mean to be free?

As you face each day with the pursuit to be stable.

You are strong,

You are enough and you are able –

Able to battle the battle, that others cannot comprehend.

Each day there is a new beginning yet each day there is no end.

– Steph

Stay Tuned

Holy Guacamole!

I had a post ready to go for today BUT I had one of the biggest break throughs that I’ve had in a long time and needed to scrap the post as it was no longer applicable.

I will be delving into my writing this weekend and will have that particular post ready to go next week, so thank you for your patience. I am super excited to share the insight I discovered (with the help of my sister).

I honestly am beyond blessed with the family I was given in this mortal life. They have allotted me so much insight and have listened to my constant conversations that I battle with – they are beyond patient because I can be a broken record that doesn’t shut off sometimes.

I will go into more details in my next post, but I wanted to make sure something went up this week as I am trying to get back into a routine with my blog.

Also, on another note I will be sharing a crazy story that happened recently so stay tuned for that. You literally won’t believe it when you read it, but I can assure you that it will be every ounce the truth.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

– Steph

Self-Check

Over the past 4 months a lot has happened, all for the better BUT because of all the sudden change my mood has been affected greatly.

I was married (and started living with someone that I’ve never lived with before – heck I’ve never even had a room mate before, aside from my younger sister), I moved to a new city (in a completely different province), I got a new job (#dreamjob), I lost my medical support that I had built relationships with since my initial diagnosis (they were replaced with a new make shift support), and I moved away from all of my family (whom I am very close with and are another major support system).

Lots of change!

I like to think that I have managed well, but it has been a challenge and my husband has picked up on my mood flux.

Things have been happening that I am grateful for but there has been a lot of change to navigate thru. My husband is beyond supportive, patient and understanding, he has tried to take on the roll of the support team for nearly everyone that I left behind which is a big job to do – dare I say even unfair.

For probably 3 out of the 4 months after my move I was in a low, it was exhausting. I was trying so hard to not let my mental state impact my new job and especially my marriage. I didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer- hellooooo my husband and I are still supposed to be in our honeymoon phase. Don’t get me wrong, I have been happy over the course of the 4 months BUT that has been simultaneously been happening while I’ve felt pretty darn low and felt like I was losing my footing. If that even makes sense.

Don’t get me wrong, I have sought medical support and I am trying to build a support system here (and not pin it all on my husband). I have a new psychiatrist – she is nice enough. However, I am still not overly confident in our connection. Our first encounter she told me I had everything together and was absolutely fine. She told me she wasn’t even concerned about ordering my file from my previous hospital…. okay then. You would think that being the case she would delve in and ask me about my history – nope, that did not happen. I have seen her a few times, the last two were better than the first. I contacted her regarding my sleep, because I wasn’t sleeping (we are talking the entire time after my move) – red flag that I am not okay shall we say. Anyways she prescribed me Zopiclone, I took the higher dose that she offered and it didn’t even make me blink. I tried it for 2 weeks and nada. So I went back to see her, at this point she seemed a little alarmed, because heaven forbid I actually wasn’t a perfect patient and actually needed medical support to navigate my diagnosis of bipolar II.

Anywho, she prescribed me two new medications, one of which is for anxiety and the other for sleep. This concoction in addition to my medication medley that I already take has seemingly given me back the sleep that I needed and consequentially my mood has regained a bit more stability – NEVER doubt the impact that good or poor sleep hygiene can have on your mood.

So where am I now in terms of the medication I take? I will give you a break down, please remember that everyone is unique in terms of what medication they require for their individual case.

120 mg – Latuda – Mood Stabilizer
250 mg – Lamotrigine – Anti-Depressant
100 mg – Trazodone – Sleep Aid (dosage affects the role of this medication) (new)
30 mg – Oxazepam – Anxiety (new)
100 mg – Quetiapine – Sleep Aid (dosage affects the role of this medication)

My medication has been a journey all of its own, being refined and tweaked and changed over YEARS. My medication medley has been consistent the past year aside from the new additions now for my anxiety and sleep, however if we look at all the change that has occurred in my life, it is no wonder my sleep and anxiety were impacted as of late. It is so important for us to be self aware. It is so important for us to hold self-checks, to see what variables have changed and how our mood/sleep has been impacted.

Without being aware of ourselves how can you monitor the impact the medication has or doesn’t have on you? How can you measure the impact your surroundings or peers have on you? Without having a constant which is YOU, how can you measure all of the changing variables in different scenarios. As ironic as it is, you are the constant, bipolar mood changes and all. As you become more adept to your moods, what they look like, what triggers a cycle, then you will realize you are indeed a constant in the equation of life and everything else is a variable. That is powerful information that can transform the way you look at who you are and the life you are living or want to be living.

Also, ***key note*** my medication has changed and has been tweaked and throughout it all I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN MY MEDICATION. High or low I always took my medication, I can’t emphasize that detail enough! How are you going to find out what medication works for you if you don’t take it. Sure, at times it seems like life would be a heck of a lot more fun without it OR perhaps it’s annoying taking it day in and day out OR alternatively you feel like its not doing anything at all and you are fine without it OR it is making you feel even worse. Let me be clear and say that unless the doctor told me I could stop taking medication during the trial period, I took the medication, I documented side affects, I asked questions, I documented mood changes, outliers and when my doctor received my feedback we made changes accordingly, whether that was with the dose or scrapping the medication and moving onto a new one all together. IF you do not take the medication, how will you know the impact it has on you.

Recovery is a choice, choices require action. Be actively engaged in your medication process – don’t sit back and expect everything to work out without raising a finger or opening your mouth to offer an input about your own health. That my friends is just a cold reality of the recovery process.

I am still adjusting, I am still checking in with myself.

I’ve found a therapist where I live and I plan to meet with her once a month. My mental health is a priority and I hope you make yours a priority too. Sure she isn’t my previous psychologist…. nothing like him BUT I am hoping to gain some new insight about myself and my recovery journey. New perspectives are on the horizon.

I hope you found some insight in this post and are able to reflect on your own journey. Regularly self-check and you will surprise yourself with the difference it can make in your life. Remember the highs and lows will come BUT that doesn’t mean you aren’t stable, it’s all in how we react.

– Steph

Happily Now – A New Chapter

Welcome to a new chapter of my blog and life called “Happily Now”. I am hoping that this section of my blog can yield some inspiration and insight as to my life and lifestyle with my diagnosis of bipolar 2.

This blog is about my journey to my “Happily Ever After“, and that being said I want to share with you the Happily Now moments in my life. Yes, I know that my blog has already illustrated my life with bipolar BUT at the same time it hasn’t. I share my perspectives of life under the category of “Bipolar Bliss”, which is where I express my highs and lows and concepts that I find fascinating (mostly regarding self improvement), yet what does my life look like beyond that? How does my diagnosis impact my confidence, my life pursuits, hobbies and interests?? What does the application of my blog posts look like with the stability I’ve essentially achieved over the course of my diagnosis and lifespan of this blog thus far.

I want to be a little more open with what my life looks like with bipolar 2. I want to show anyone living with this diagnosis or without, that you can have a happy life now. That we can have a dynamic life despite our health diagnosis. I am not just surviving anymore which was the case for so many years, I am thriving and I want to share this part of my journey with you so that you can feel confident in pursuing your own Happily Ever After, enjoying the Happily Now moments as they come along. “Recovery” in respects to a mental illness is a constant choice and I made the decision when I was diagnosed that I would do everything in my power to achieve it. It has not been an easy path BUT ohhh has it been worth it.

Holy Cow!

Okay everyone. I have failed miserably at blogging lately and I apolozie for that. I’ve had ideas for posts and then I’d shake my head and tell myself they were terrible. So rather than posting – I haven’t. Nada. I’ve honestly felt unable to move my fingers with no idea what to say – resulting in nothing being said. Ughh.

Also! I had these great visions for my blog once I transferred it to a host. Yah – no. Failed there too. Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that you are frozen. I feel like that’s been me with my blog. I’ve been frozen because I don’t know what I’m doing (literally) or how to go about doing what it is I envision doing… if that makes sense. We all know I am NOT tech savy in the slightest. I have been researching and alas it all seems to be saying something without actually saying anything. It’s all fluff. So, I’m just going to bite the bullet and semi-blindly try to make my blog everything I want it to be. (Some posts had some insight… just not always relavent) I was thinking of taking a course, but honestly I don’t know if it would be relevant or helpful when it’s all said and done. I feel like there is a lot of fluff talk in it… but maybe I’m a cynic. Perhaps every post I’ve read is relevant and I’m just not comprehending how to apply it to my own blog because tech talk is a foreign language to me. I certainly wouldn’t write that idea off.

Anywho! I appreciate you bearing with me while I’ve been MIA. Moving forward from this post I am hoping to have some more consistency.

I hope everyone is having a splendid 2019. Mine has been pretty good so far and I will be telling you all about it in my blog. Shocking, I know.

– Steph

Guess Whose Back?! And Has a Ring On It!

So much has happened over the last 2 months! I turned 27 on October 11th and two days later married the love of my life – 27 couldn’t have started off on a better note. Typically I’m apprehensive about my birthday and turning a year older, this year I was ecstatic and couldn’t have been more than excited for the day to come.

To be honest, I wasn’t nervous when it came down to getting married, I felt and feel peace knowing I’ll be with my prince King for the rest of my life thru all eternity. The ceremony was beautiful, when my husband saw me in my dress it was the best reaction I could have asked for.

The reception was beautiful as well, my brother-in-law emceed and he did a phenomenal job. All of the speeches and dances – everything – I laughed. I cried; it was perfect. I also surprised my husband with a song. He’s been asking me to sing for him forever and I always say NO, but my brother-in-law (same one that emceed) wrote a love song that was inspired from my life and I knew I needed to sing it at the wedding. He was beyond surprised – I barely made it thru the song without crying my eyes off.

I can’t believe it finally happened. There was a point in my life where I thought I was unlovable, I was used and broken goods. I thought I was never going find the kind of love that would accept me as I am let alone meet a man who met my standards (it’s important to have standards – mine slipped at times and I dated toads but after those experiences I raised them up high and was unwavering in what I expected in love and respect from my partner, there is nothing wrong with being selective – not picky). It’s a known fact on this blog that I have bipolar and I am a lot to deal with – that is what I would tell myself. But when it’s all said and done I did find love – I found someone who saw me beyond my diagnosis, someone who thinks I am amazing and perfect just as I am. I didn’t need to change myself, I didn’t need to modify my ways or suppress who I am to fit a mold. I was true to myself and my standards, which is something I’ve been working on and my husband loved me all the more for it. He knows me for me because that is all I’ve offered, no sugar coating or hiding.

I’m excited to see and record my experience as a married woman with bipolar, it will be a marriage with ups and downs literally but I know it will be filled with love. My blog was started with the intention to share my thoughts and experiences with bipolar, to show others that it’s possible to be happy and fulfilled in life despite the drawbacks of this mental condition. So far I’ve managed to be in the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life and I attribute a lot of that to my good health before my relationship. I worked on my health – mentally, physically and spiritually before my husband came in the picture and avidly while he was in it, all the while keeping him in the loop. I answered any and all questions he had about my diagnosis and my personal patterns or prominent symptoms and he went the extra mile and read up on bipolar on his own. I believe we succeeded because he was educated and informed. My family spoke with him and gave him some insight on how I tick. So when it comes to having a successful relationship I believe knowledge and communication are the biggest factors.

So for anyone in a relationship (especially) with a diagnosis – talk! I personally waited until the words “I love you” were spoken before I told him I had bipolar, I wanted to make sure he loved me for me with no bias because of my diagnosis. And he did love me. Once he found out that’s when the floodgates opened for questions and little ticks started to make sense for him. But that’s not to say we didn’t have open communication from the beginning because we did. Our relationship was built on communication – it was long distance after all.

I am on my path to happily ever after, it’s been a learning experience for sure BUT every moment of struggle has been worth it.

There is so much to write and I apologize for being MIA the last two months. I’ve had the intention to write and then I’d chicken out. You will see in future posts some of the dealings with what have been going on. I’m beyond happy to be with my husband but that is not to say I don’t experience anxiety or downs amidst that happiness. There has been A LOT of change, A LOT.

I hope everyone is well.

I am hoping to get back into my routine of posts once a week.

– Steph

It’s Not How Fast That Matters

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Something that I came to realize a little later than I would have liked, is that life is not a race. There is not a perfect timeline that we should all be adhering to. There is not a pass or fail for the accomplishments we attain at different ages and stages of our life. It’s okay if we are not marching to the same drum that everyone else around us seems to be marching too.

My life took some unexpected turns, such as my diagnosis with bipolar, that diagnosis was not something I envisioned as a little girl planning out my family, education and career (I was a wee bit odd and started looking at universities when I was in grade 6). My diagnosis impacted my life drastically, not to mention bipolar in general before my formal diagnosis. At times I felt inferior to those around me, I felt like I was watching everyone pass me by with school, career, relationships, marriage, children and so forth while I struggled just to stay balanced and afloat. At least that was the case until I finally came to the realization that I was on my own path. I was growing, I was becoming better, I was gaining perspective and insight, I was meeting my goals – I was just doing it slower than I imagined I would. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.  So long as you are putting one foot in front of the other you will reach your destination and if you stop harassing yourself, you will probably enjoy the process a whole lot more – smelling the roses instead of rushing past and trampling them.

It’s okay to grow slowly. It’s okay to go at a pace that isn’t the norm. When you aren’t rushing thru life trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing, it will allow you to look at where you are going with more clarity and less time will be wasted tripping and taking wrong turns or ending up at dead ends. Be kind to yourself.

I am 26, turning 27 in a few weeks – I have a diploma, not the degree I envisioned I would have from a young age. I have no children and I am just getting married this October (yes, 27 to some people may seem young to get married however, when your mom and sisters were all married by the age of 20, 27 can start to feel old) Anyways, my point is – this is where I am at and I am proud of myself. I overcame so much to be where I am. I have a diploma – I have succeeded in my education, it took me YEARS, but I never gave up and I achieved something for myself. If you knew my educational struggle with my mental health you would understand why a diploma means so much to me and my family. I have met the most amazing man and I am the happiest I have ever been. I am getting married – and I know that I didn’t just settle with any young bloke, I waited because I knew my worth.  The right things are happening in my life because I didn’t give up. I didn’t let my slow growth defeat the progress I knew I was making.

Don’t wallow in discouragement that your growth may be going slower than you like. Don’t be discouraged about your dreams that have yet to be achieved, because they will be – so long as you are true to yourself and put in the effort. I have no doubt you will accomplish amazing things.

I am so much happier accepting my life at the unique pace that it marches to. Don’t compare your pace to that of your neighbours. Be yourself. Love yourself. Nourish yourself and grow slowly – but never give up and never stop growing.

– Steph