Empty Promises


Last week was a whirlwind of emotions. So pardon my lack of posting.

Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out. Lo and behold you don’t. 

When is enough, enough? 

When is someone’s behaviour no longer acceptable? At what point do you reach the end of the line where their excuses aren’t good enough any more, and you aren’t going to take them.

When do we check out? 

I honestly don’t know. I’d like to say as soon as we know we are being treated wrong. 

But that’s the thing – 

We stand up for ourselves when we know we are being treated wrong. We go thru that motion, that expression of self. But then what? 

We give them another chance and they hurt and disappoint us. We stand up for ourselves again demanding a change – to be treated better and then we accept their apology and BAM we go right back into that cycle. And for what? Love? But can it really be love when its one sided?

Sadly, yes it can be. For you it can be. For you it can be a pure love felt for the other person BUT the reality is they arent loving you back the same – if at all. It’s not healthy. Not for you. You give and give and give and you get nothing in return except emotional torment.

Yet, here we are trying to convince ourselves that we aren’t allowing ourselves to be suckered into some sort of toxic relationship – because how could we be when the other person knows that we know we should be treated better. That can’t be toxic, everyone is aware of what’s going on. 

But guess what?! 

They don’t care! It doesn’t matter that they know you know your worth. As long as you let them into your life. Time and time again nothing is going to change. 

Why should it? 

They can do as they please, apologize and everything will go on like it did before.

But when is enough, enough?

How do you let them go?

How do you choose pain? Because that’s what it is. Letting go of the person you love, turning away from them as they beg you not to go. Turning away from them as they profess their love for you, that you so desperately want them to give you. How do you turn away when they are telling you that they know they are in the wrong – acknowledging everything that you’ve been trying to have them see. Doing all of these things. Talking about change. Begging you to not leave them. How do you walk away? 

You just do. You cry most of the time. But the pain is part of the process. That’s why it’s called a broken heart.

All of those things they say are just words. Words at the end of the day that mean nothing. Words that are never applied to action.

And you can’t live a life waiting on words.

It gets you no where. No where other than hurt and disappointed.

When is enough, enough?

How do we stop ourselves from going back? How do we break out of the cycle?

We try. That’s all we can do is try. Try and try again. 

It’s not easy. I’m terrible at it. 

When your heart is set on something it’s hard to let it go. 

But like my sister said. You either choose to be hurt by them over and over again, or you choose to leave and temporarily hurt knowing the pain will eventually go away.

It’s just so hard. 

– Steph

 

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Training Wheels 

That moment when your training wheels come off is triumphant. 

When I first started seeing my psychologist, the first year I saw him once a week, then the next year it became once every two weeks, and recently it’s extended to once a month. I know it’s a good thing – it shows my progress BUT I really like my doctor. The training wheels are coming off and I don’t know how I feel about it.

It’s bitter sweet not going in for my appointments once every two weeks. I feel really good about my progress, but there has always been something so rewarding about my doctors insight and now I get it once a month, because my own insight is doing a pretty good job – he trained me well.

Doctors are a huge part of the recovery process (and I use the word recovery liberally because it makes you sound sick and I don’t think of myself as sick – I just think of myself as a girl who has bipolar and is learning to manage it). Having a relationship with your doctor is incredibly important. And if you feel uncomfortable, I would encourage you to look for another doctor. How are you supposed to talk about everything and anything if you don’t feel comfortable?! Feeling unable to express yourself defeats the purpose of talking about your mood based disorder (mood = a lot to express) 

I am always hesitant about talking to new doctors, I feel vulnerable and like they are trying to know me based on some scribbled notes on a page BUT all of my doctors at the mood disorder clinic I go to have been amazing and care about me as a person. So if I can have amazing doctors, you can too!

Once there was a psychiatrist who made me uncomfortable so stopped seeing him (this was before my formal diagnosis by the clinic I’m presently in). Mind you I didn’t look for another doctor, which was the wrong move BUT it just goes to show how a relationship is so important to the success of your health. It can make it or break it, because with bipolar you need a support system. Doing it on your own isn’t going to get you far – trust me I know.

Don’t be afraid to look elsewhere. Don’t ditch your current doctor until you have a new one secured. But don’t settle for a doctor who isn’t committed to your success. You aren’t a number, you aren’t a robot. You have feelings and should feel comfortable expressing them. 

I’m not ready to go completely solo from seeing my psychologist but I am grateful I’m at the place I am, even if it means less appointments. 

Progress.

 The training wheels are coming off.

-Steph

Take a Deep Breath


If ever there is a zombie apocalypse I want to make sure I am not on the city train during rush hour. When you are jam packed like a sardine I feel like the likelihood of survival is decreased. Just food for thought.

It’s Monday, the start of a fresh new week.

I made an error on Friday at work and didn’t have enough time to fix it, so I was panicked for Monday BUT my supervisor told me this morning not to worry about it. And I was able to fix it. Problem solved, I stressed and lost sleep over the entire weekend for nothing.

Isn’t that the case. We stress over something and then when the time comes to face it, it’s not that bad. You’d think I’d learn – dozens of doctor appointments going over my anxiety and yet some how it always manifests itself. Mind you, it’s a lot more subdued. 

Don’t fret, breathe and know that whatever comes you aren’t going to die from it. Coming into work that’s what I kept telling myself. 

Mistakes happen, I’m a student on practicum, I’m learning. And even if I was an employee, mistakes happen. There is no need to kill yourself over them. They will come and go and you will remain. Just take a deep breath, learn from them and all will be well.

– Steph

What Matters Most

There is nothing quite as satisfying as having your dog curl up next to you – in my case my dog often curls up in my arms or by my neck.

There is just something about the love of a dog. 

Nutmeg  (my dog) is 6 years old. It’s been an amazing 6 years and I hope to have many more. Life would not be the same without her. 

She calms me down and has given me purpose. To care for her and in turn care for myself. Having her in my life has been one of my greatest blessings. 

If you have a dog I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t have a dog but are thinking about one I encourage you to take that step BUT only if you are going to commit. Dogs aren’t disposable – when you buy one it should be with a lifetime in mind.

When I bought Nutmeg I knew in my heart she was non-negotiable. When I moved around (which I’ve done a lot) I always picked dog friendly buildings. Even if that meant spending more money. I made a commitment to Nutmeg the day I bought her. She’s a loyal little soul and deserves the same in return. 

Even if you’re not thinking about getting a dog, but another animal instead I encourage you to look into it. I researched for 2 years before I bought Nutmeg. It may not take you that long BUT know what you are getting into. 

Through the good and the bad she’s remained constant. Through all the changes she’s been there, and that my dear friends is priceless. The kind of love a pet (in my case a fur baby) can give you and you can give in return is truly amazing and is one of the simple ways our hearts can remind us that we know what it is to feel.

– Steph

You Are Limitless

You are capable of anything. Anything at all. I believe that with every fibre of my body. 

You are capable of achieving any goal so long as you put in the work. There are no limits aside from the ones you set. Yes, you may have to go an unconventional route to obtain your goal if you have a mental illness that affects the “normal route”. But detours are what make life interesting. 

It’s all about what we want and how much we want it. There is no reason you can’t achieve it. 

Write it out. Write down want you want – physically commit to the thought. A goal that’s not recorded is just a dream. When you write it out, it makes it that much more tangible and you will be that much more likely to invest time towards achieving it.

Everything takes time so be kind and patient with yourself. Dream big and turn those dreams into goals.

Never underestimate what you are capable of, and never tell yourself you can’t do something because the reality is you can. 

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar I thought my life was over and that I’d be limited with what I could do – come on its bipolar…but in actuality my life finally began after my diagnosis, because, come on its just bipolar. I finally got the help I needed and in turn started getting a grip on my life which made achieving my goals realistic. Things I thought I’d never do, I’ve done and there is more yet to come. 

Marriage, babies… all things that I want but terrify me because I’m not sure how my bipolar will affect me. But I’ll face my fears when the time comes because I know its worth it. I believe in me. And respectively I believe in you. Don’t put yourself in a box on a shelf, give yourself some credit and do great things, heck – do simple things. My point is just do things, for yourself and for others.

Be happy and live life in all of its glory.

– Steph

 

Just Try

Trying is the bravest thing we could go.

With so many reasons not to try, finding the courage to go for it deserves a pat on the back.

Just go for it! Think it thru of course (I’m not encouraging any brash behaviour that you might regret) but don’t let doubts dwindle your self-belief and infringe on your ability to go above and beyond. Don’t live with “what ifs”.

Be a bit of a mess and try.

There is nothing wrong with not having it all together when you try.

Trying = Learning = Growth.

Who doesn’t want to grow. Even if we try and don’t get our way, there is always something you can take away. And sometimes we need to try specifically for the reason that we need to see its not for us… again taking the “what ifs” out of the equation.

I’m presently trying at something in my life, I’m trying with everything I’ve got and presently I don’t know if it’s right for me and if I should move on or give it a bit more time (I’m leaning towards giving it a bit more time). It’s fair to say I’m a bit of a mess. But I do feel brave. I feel brave for putting myself out there regardless to the outcome. I feel brave that I started something and I’m going to see it thru to the end.

And like I said, I’m a bit of a mess. There are some days I’m not sure I can make it BUT I keep on trying. I’ll know soon enough whether or not the outcome is in my favor or an extra special learning lesson.

And that’s another important factor. Know when to try and know when you’ve given it your all and there is nothing left to give (which doesn’t equate to quitting). Know when it’s the end. Don’t kill yourself over wanting to achieve a specific result that you lose yourself. Sometimes the answer is NO, and we need to recognize that and accept it. It doesn’t mean we didn’t give it our all, it just means it wasn’t for us. And that’s okay. Sometimes we can try with everything we’ve got but it’s not going to cut it because it’s just not meant for us.

A prime example of that situation is in a relationship. You can try but you can’t be the only one trying – that’s not how a healthy relationship works. You’ll make yourself sick trying to put in the work and effort of two people. That my dear friends is when you can tell yourself you tried BUT it wasn’t for you. Even if you love that person, it doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. Some things require that more than one person try in order to be successful.  And when you’ve put in the work and the other people constantly falls thru – take up your courage and walk away.

Try, but know your limit (it’s all about balance). Give it your all but don’t give in to being taken advantage of.

Try, but don’t make yourself sick over not wanting to be a failure. “Failing” only occurs when we don’t learn something. Learn from your efforts whether or not the answer is yes or no.

Try.

Be a mess.

Be brave.

Learn.

Grow.

And be happy. Don’t live in fear of trying anything, whether that’s the start of something new or ending of something old.

– Steph

A Little Self-love

It’s Friday! 

I made it through the week and I’m feeling good, now it’s time to relax and enjoy the weekend. 

I had a discussion with a friend recently, she was feeling insecure about herself and what she had to offer another person. I did my best to talk some sense into her and hopefully if you are feeling the same way I can talk some sense into you as well.

We all have so much to offer in spite of our flaws. They give us empathy and sympathy for others. They make us human. 

Everyone has flaws,  you aren’t alone in the world – being the only person to have them. And when you meet the right person they will love you in your entirety flaws and all. And likewise you will love them despite their flaws. It’s just how the cookie crumbles. It’s not a double standard. 

The important element of that equation is that you must also love yourself regardless to your flaws. It’s difficult to accept someone else’s love when you don’t even love yourself- you’ll always have that constant nagging feeling of “how could they love me because of xyz” 

But they can love you and that’s all the more reason to love yourself (it’s not the reason you should BUT it helps the cause). Flaws are not the sum of who we are. They aren’t the focal point of our life, they are just a part of it and generally we can work on our flaws to turn them into strengths. We can overcome anything. 

Embrace your flaws for the time that you have them. Ask yourself what you can learn from them and then learn from them and change your perspective. Perspective is such a powerful thing. 

Remember you are flawsome. Don’t let yourself be brought down by the sheer fact that you are human. Show yourself the compassion that you would show others who are “flawed”. Everyone is flawed but those flaws don’t take away from their value and worth – that’s including you too!

– Steph