How About A Slap In The Face

This past week was probably one of the most upsetting weeks I’ve had in a long time.

I apologize for my absence. Last week my fiance was in town and the week prior I was camping with no cell service to upload a post. Life has been a bit busy, I would say it’s been going really well BUT this week has jeopardized that mentality.

As you know I have a job at a law firm. I was beyond excited to have this job, I love the lawyers I work with. Everything has been peachy. However, everything clearly can’t be perfect and I’ve been on the fence about my salary and whether or not I should apply elsewhere. I have friends who work in the same industry as me who are making a fair amount more – with the exact same amount of experience. I however figured that because I enjoyed who I worked with I would stay with the firm and wait for my 1 year review when I would undoubtedly get a raise.

Tuesday of this week was my review. It was with the 2 partners of the firm, who for the record I never talk to or see.

Prior to talking with them my one lawyer (whom i’m particularly close with) called me into her office. She wanted to give me a heads up with what she told the partners for my review. It was all positive with the constructive criticism that I could have a bit more attention to detail. Fair enough.

I go into the interview and BAM I got slaughtered by the partners. The only feedback they gave me about my lawyers was that they both said I had a pleasant demenour. What?!?!

There was nothing in my review about my actual work or work ethic or how happy my lawyers are with me.

They brought up things that were not true and not my fault, errors made by my one of my lawyers, for which he had already expressed to them that the errors were his fault. The told me I was dependent on the other assistant to do my work. NOT TRUE. It was all just super upsetting. And I was denied a raise. So basically I am being paid a year later as if I have no experience. *slap in the face*

I confronted both my lawyers. Asked them if they were unhappy with me and explained what the partners told me and my lawyers were shocked. Why?? Because they both explained to me that they gave me great reviews because they love me as their assistant, they went on to say what the partners said about me made no sense.

I have been sick over this. My mind has been replaying everything over and over. Everyone got a raise (for a fact) but me. It’s sickening.

It’s so funny how things can change so instantaneously. I have no intention of staying with this firm. Not a chance. I’m getting married and I’ll be leaving in that regard BUT if an opportunity comes to leave sooner I’ll take it.

I’m obviously not going to elaborate in detail what was said, but it was all super shady and has made no sense when explained to my lawyers, family and close friends.

I thought maybe it was me? But this is beyond me. I’m just the sucker in the ploy.

I have had some good visits with friends this week. It’s helped lighten my mood, but at the same time as soon as the visit is over I feel sick again.

This was completely unexpected.

And then to top it off a woman hit my car while it was parked and I was sitting in it. The damage wasn’t bad but she was unbelievable about the whole situation.

People! What is wrong with some people?!

I hope and pray everyone is having a better week than me. Thank goodness it’s Friday!

I just need to shake this off and hopefully I’ll have a more uplifting post next week. This post was to illustrate I am alive and express that I am a bull seeing red and I can’t get a grip of my mind and emotions.

It will all work out. It always does.

– Steph

A Weed Or A Wish

A wish

I’ve been fairly consumed with planning and preparing for my new future. The wedding is almost in a double-digit countdown which is a surreal feeling.

I’ve been reading more articles about bipolar disorder a well as a book that I was given when I was first diagnosed. Knowledge is power and it never hurts to go over a critical component of your life. I am not nervous about being married. I am very excited about it, I am however nervous about the change that marriage will entail. I am bracing myself for the change, because as anyone with bipolar knows, change can bring on an episode going either direction – up or down. It’s obviously not by choice, it’s just a natural phenomenon. When the change is drastic enough so becomes the mood.

I’ve been doing well so far, my anxiety has been a bit more pronounced but I have still maintained a happy demeanour. It’s so funny how you become so in-tune with your body after years of dissecting your moods, reactions, triggers, and ticks. One of the bonuses of active participation in improving my health is I am always aware of myself. That’s one of the things my doctors have commented on, on more than a few occasions. I am a very self-aware individual. My mentality is the only way to progress is to be self aware, if you are aware of your weaknesses they can become strengths, if you are aware of your strengths you can apply them to your goals. If you are accomplishing your goals you are becoming the best version of yourself. It all begins with self-awareness.

Self-awareness, is something I’ve had to work on. It required a perspective shift. It required me to take control of my life, take hold of my bipolar and to not be a victim of my mental health. Bipolar was initially a curse in my mind, but it has turned into one of my strengths over the course of the past few years. As one of my sister refers to it as a “super power”. Getting to this point of peace with my bipolar has been a journey, but I have grown immensely. I am not a perfect personification of someone with their bipolar under control, however I am someone with bipolar who has found happiness, when it once robbed me of it. Happiness is not something I experience at all times, there are times that I feel alone and like I am trapped in a dark abyss, however I know that the darkness will fade eventually and I remind myself of this and it helps keep my hope alive.

Taking charge of your bipolar is taking the good with the bad, the highs with the lows and everything in between. It’s not picking and choosing parts of it when it is easy or convenient.

This quote is perfect, some people see a weed. I see a wish. Some see bipolar as a curse. I see it as an opportunity. When you shift your perspective, you will find opportunity in more than you could possibly imagine.

– Steph

What Are You Loyal To?

I’ve had the opportunity to stroll down memory lane this past week. Both in terms of old relationships and my health.

It’s unbelievable how far I’ve come in both regards. How different I am.

I am different, and there is nothing and no one in this world that could convince me to revert back to my old ways or days. The past is the past for a reason. You learn and grow and move on from it. I haven’t put all this work into myself to stay the same, or be in the same situations as I was in before.

Don’t get caught up in your past. If you do my chance stroll thru memory lane, do just that – stroll. Don’t stay.

Your past and the things that have happened in your life don’t deserve your undying loyalty. What and who are presently in your life do. Your present day determines where you will be going in the future. Be loyal to that. Be loyal to a better future.

Don’t let your past distract you from where you are going.

Just a little reminder for you and me. Think about where you are going and remember it’s going to be more than your past could have ever offered you.

The only thing that remembering your past offers is thr knowledge not to repeat it. Progress requires change.

This isn’t to say everyone has an unpleasant past but the fact of the matter is you can’t grow if you are stuck on the “glory days” or “better days” or the “worst days” of your life. Whatever the past was for you, it no longer serves a purpose other than growing from it and moving on.

Reflect on your past- because how else can you grow BUT be loyal to your future, that is where you are going. Don’t jeapordize your progress by getting stuck on who you were before.

Enjoy your now and remind yourself that you will have a better tomorrow. Each day is an opportunity. Take it and run with it.

– Steph

What Now?

At the end of the day if you don’t like something – change it. It may not be the easiest change BUT you are more than capable of doing it. Like the quote says, you are not a tree SO MOVE!

It’s so easy to complain about our situation BUT if we are not going to do anything to improve it, I suggest putting a muzzle on and keeping it to yourself.

Why complain? What good does it do? It’s one thing to let your frustrations out when you are going to do something to rectify them or if you want to get feedback from those around you BUT if all you do is complain with no intention of trying to change the situation – all you are doing is creating a toxic train of thought (guilty). You are adding fuel to a nasty fire that consumes everything in its path with self-loathing, resentment and bitterness.

I have struggled with my weight. This is no secret. I gained 40lbs while taking high doses of quetiapine, and when enough was enough I told the doctor I was either going off of my medication or changing to a weight neutral one. Needless to say, he switched me to a new one, I presently take Latuda (and other medications, but that’s besides the point). After the change in medication I dropped 12 lbs alas I haven’t been able to lose anything more. Am I happy at my new weight? Nope. Happier than I was when I was 12 lbs heavier but still not happy to weigh as much as I do. I have been working out and eating moderately well – but moderately doesn’t cut it when it comes to my weight. I am not counted among the chosen few who can eat whatever their heart desires with no repercussion.

I’ve bee surviving at my current weight but my breaking point with my weight was a few weeks ago. I took engagement photos and I was mortified by what I saw. Everyone was telling me how nice I looked, how beautiful I looked – and all I saw was a whale at its finest. I cried at work, I cried at home, I cried to my sisters, I cried to my fiancé – I cried a lot. BUT reality set in when my fiancé asked what I was going to do about, my initial answer was “not eat” a terrible answer fueled by emotion and pattern that I’ve grown accustomed too. When I don’t see the progress, I want I don’t eat – it doesn’t last forever and obviously doesn’t give me long term healthy results, but I go ahead and do it anyways in conjunction with going to the gym.

I went to bed after this conversation with my fiancé and woke up with a dose of reality and new resolve to lose weight, why in the world would I not eat?! I’ve been working so hard to be the healthiest version of me in all aspects and losing weight was not going to be an exception. I would lose weight and dang-nab-it I would lose it in a healthy manner. So, I put my thinking hat on because I needed a plan and direction. I previously had a meal plan from a personal trainer but it was so restrictive I literally felt like there was no enjoyment in what I ate and as far as I was concerned it wasn’t working (I actually gained weight). I need wiggle room. And I know for a fact my nutrition is the biggest contributor to lose or not lose weight, I can spend hours at the gym BUT if my eating is not up to par I am not going to see results.

So, what did I do you may ask? I humbled myself and I joined a program that I associated with old women … don’t ask me why I had that association but I did. I joined Weight Watchers to be exact. I never thought I would be that person because I thought it was silly, but I literally asked myself – what do I have to lose aside from weight? Absolutely nothing. I read into it and it seemed like it would be a sustainable plan AND if thousands of individuals could lose weight on it without even exercising, why should I be the exception. There was a promo going so I bought a plan for 3 months. If I find it works and I am losing weight I will extend the plan until I hit my goal weight and maintain it for a few months.

Who would have known that Weight Watchers was my holy grail? It has been almost 2 weeks and I am down 6 pounds. I have 24 to go until I hit my goal weight. I can totally do this. I have a plan. It is actually not even that hard – their phone app gives me life and makes tracking so easy. I legitimately feel like I’m playing a game and so far, I’ve been winning. BONUS news is that my dear friend joined as well after I told her the results of my first weigh in. So now I have a partner in crime. I am still going to the gym, not as often BUT that’s going to change; this month I am hoping to get my booty into high gear and go with a new level of intensity – again my dearly beloved friend wants to work out with me so this should be a fun adventure we embark on together.

I felt so defeated and was throwing a massive pity party, but now I feel like a woman on a mission with an arsenal full of lethal weapons to get the job accomplished. Cheesy but true.

What a profound question we can ask ourselves – what are you going to do about it? It’s not as though I’ve never asked myself that before, but in connection to my weight it really hit home this time.

– Steph

Bring On The Next Chapter

Goodness gracious!
I meant to post yesterday, however time escaped me. It’s surreal to think of where I am today in contrast to where I was 3 years ago. How much stability I have now, how many goals I’ve met. I have been on a journey to my happily ever after and what a journey it has been!
There have been so many frogs and toads along my journey as I’m sure you know. But there has been a wealth of knowledge from each encounter and they have all prepared me to be ready to meet the right guy. No encounter is ever a waste, each encounter helps you learn a little bit more about yourself. It allows you to refine and define your own character – figure out what you will and won’t stand for. Apparently, my Mr. Right likes the character I’ve developed – so much that he has put a ring on it!

True story! He proposed last Saturday and I said YES!

This may seem like a whirlwind romance, our story together began in February, was defined in March and here we are in May engaged. I promise I am not hypomanic right now, I am simply in love and I have never been so sure of anything in my life. When you know, you know.

Dating with bipolar was something I originally feared, I thought it would jeopardize any relationship I entered BUT, in all honesty, it has been my saving grace. When I was in unhealthy relationships my moods were in over-time trying to save me from myself – trying to warn me that I was not in balance with myself – my moods were drastically impacted to the point that I had a hard time focusing or functioning on the daily. Alternatively, now that I am in a healthy relationship my mood reflects that. No more chaos stimulated by the person I’m in a relationship with. Sure I have ups and downs but they are so much more manageable and I truly believe that has to do with my now fiancé. He is an anchor and keeps me grounded – he accepts me. He is not super familiar with bipolar aside from the stereotypes that people are crazy, I’m glad to say I’ve changed that perception. I’m not crazy, I’m human. I am just engineered differently than the average person BUT it is to my advantage and not my detriment.

I never realized how easy love should be, my relationships have always brought struggle with them – this one is different. He makes it easy to love and he makes me feel like I am easy to love WHICH IS SO IMPORTANT. Never let anyone make you feel like you are hard to love. Like you are the root of any problem that arises in a relationship. Love is healthy and evokes a healthy relationship. That is love. Anything other is fictitious.

Wedding planning had begun. I feel like we are ahead of the game and I will be doing my best to maintain low stress so I don’t do myself in before the big day. (Which by the way will be in October) I have a supportive fiancé and family. All is well and the journey continues to my happily ever after.

– Steph

Face Lift

As you may have noticed my blog has had an overhaul, and I have to say I’m loving the new look. It was a process, I lost sleep over it to say the least (it would be fair to say that I was over stimulated and slightly obsessing over it) BUT holy cow has it been worth it! I can’t however, take all the credit for the work that’s been done on my blog. Like I mentioned in my previous post I paid someone to transfer my blog to the new host because I had no clue what I was doing and there was no way I would have been able to figure it all out without crying myself to sleep.
So, who was my saving grace in this whole process? Her name was Megan, cleverly titled by WordPress as a “Happiness Engineer”. She has been instrumental in remodeling my blog, I’ve had numerous questions and this Wonder-Woman-of-technology has answered them all and gone above and beyond to help me bring my vision to life. She was so friendly and patient and I am forever grateful.

I am so relieved it is done. It has been a learning process and I am sure there is a shwack load of more learning to do, but it is only going to get better from here on out.

This post is intended to get the ball rolling, to let you all know I survived. Hallelujah!

Happy Monday everyone, I hope you all have a wonderful start to your week.

– Steph

Making the Jump

Alright, this is just a quick heads up that I am making the switch from WordPress.com to WordPress.org. I’m moving on up in the world and I’m terrified.

I already made a mess of things trying to transfer sites SO I’m hiring someone to do it for me. I don’t want to lose content or subscribers because or my technological illiteracy. I’m looking at it as an investment.

I seriously can’t be the only blogger in the world who doesn’t know what they’re doing.

This is going to be a work in progress. They said it should take 5 days and I am hoping to start the transfer tonight … I need to call and have them walk me thru the set up of them doing all the work. Sad but true.

I don’t imagine I’ll be posting next week as I will be tweaking my site and trying to figure out how everything works.

Cross your fingers and say your prayers. I’ll need it!

– Steph