A Few More Hours in My Day

Holy Cow!

I have been trying to find a rhythm with work, gym and life in general and I’m not sure that I’ve been succeeding as I’ve failed to seriously blog the past while.

Work has been going really good so far, it is pretty low key and low stress, which is great! I start at a later time, which let’s me sleep in longer and the commute has been pretty good. It has just been a matter of finding balance with the remaining hours of the day once I get home with respects to accomplishing what I want to accomplish.

My spanish studies are on hold. I’ve decided I’m going to enroll in classes when the time comes to commit. For now I am focusing on shona. The national language of Zimbabwe (where my husband is from). I have to say I LOVE THE LANGUAGE at least what I know so far, which isnt a lot BUT I can read the words to pronounce and spell them – it’s a start. I have started flashcards, so now it’s a matter of memorizing some phrases and words so I can compose sentences next. We want to go to Zimbabwe in 2021 and I want our kids to speak shona when they come into the picture. I think learning a second language is super beneficial and allows you to feeling more connected to your heritage.

I have been having a lot of fun learning shona with my husband, he has been a really good sport and indulges me with 1-3 hr sessions a week where I pick his brain. I’m not sure if he’s loving it BUT I love sharing the time with him especially because it has to do with learning about his native tongue.

Aside from that, some personal projects are on the go.

One thing that I want to do is a review on some facial products that I bought. I really want to get back into focusing on me and doing face masks once a week like I was doing routinely in my former city BUT I want to add the extra frills of toners, serums and moisturizers to see where I can really take my skin. There is a drug store brand named Pixie and I bought a few products, they were reasonably priced in my opinion and so I’m excited to see if they make a difference. I’ve taken some before photos of my face to show my skin and I’d like to see the difference in 3 months.

In addition to doing a skin care regiment religiously I want to take biotin everyday for skin, nails and hair. I snapped a photo of my hair length and I am happy with it BUT it wouldn’t hurt to see it get longer. I just want to continue with the theme of being physically healthy. And that means your entire body – skin is the largest organ of the human body. I think I should be doing more than the bare minimum. I’ve been trying to go more minimalistic with my esthetic (as mentioned in a former post) and I really want to feel confident in my skin without makeup and lately my skin has been freaking out SO minimal make-up has not been the case. All I think it needs is a little TLC – some consistency and some proactive care.

I’ll let you know at the end of my experiment and I’ll list the products used. My skin is generally dry, however for a random period of time I looked extra slick! Super annoying. However, now that it’s dry again I have to be conscious of looking dull and like I’m a snake shedding a layer of skin – gross I know. That is where my exfoliating face masks and personal micro dermabrasion tool comes in. We will see.

Sorry this post is more of an update than anything…again I’m trying to find my rhythm. It’s terrible, but I haven’t even been playing my guitar. I think I need a few more hours in the day!

– Steph

Endless Possibilities

I’m not manic, but I’m feeling pretty darn good.

This week I started my new job, and might I say, I’ve made it to the big leagues my friends!

This firm is beautiful! It’s massive and everyone I’ve met has been so welcoming, which gives me good feels. 3 associates that I’ll be working with invited me for lunch. I’m a little nervous, but I think it will be a nice icebreaker. The Senior Partner that I am directly assisting seems like a nice man… again I’m getting good vibes.

When I was contemplating applying for this position I was really getting into my own head. I was excited about the firm, the area of law I would be working in (intellectual property…. how cool right?!?) and the challenge it would offer my career BUT then came the doubt.

I doubted my ability to commute, my ability to work for a senior partner, my ability to fit in one of the largest international firms of Canada, and my ability to learn a new area of law.

I was building walls around myself with limits I was inadvertently placing on myself with the “challenges” I was telling myself I would face. So, what did I do? I applied anyways and told myself I’d give it my all and if it was meant to be – it would be.

After submitting my resume I received a phone call, which resulted in a 20 minute over the phone interview. I was then contacted about a week later and invited to do a in-person interview. The nerves were real! I was so excited for the interview but was incredibly anxious… I literally scratched my legs to the point that I broke blood vessels (I scratch when I’m anxious, terrible habit).

So the 2nd interview took place with 2 personnel. The head of HR and an assistant. As soon as I sat down I felt a surge of confidence, how or why? I can easily say it was an answer to a prayer. I thought the interview went great. However, following our meeting I was asked to do an assessment on Microsoft Word, Excel and PowerPoint. Let me just say the letter I read was probably the most complex letter I’ve ever seen and my objective was to proof read. YIKES!

After I left the assessment I felt deflated, I sincerely felt like I bombed the proof reading portion. However, shockingly I was asked for a 3rd interview! This time when I entered the room there were 3 associates, the Senior Partner and HR staring at me. I answered all the questions confidently with my legs vibrating under the table. Again, I wasn’t quite sure I made the cut, there were some pretty intense questions.

Surprise, surprise after that entire process they offered me the position! And HR said my assessment was incredible, they said that my proof reading caught errors that weren’t even in their answer key! Talk about a shocker!

Ultimately, I was challenged every step of the way to attain this position. However, with each challenge I surprised myself with my composure in the trenches. I also learned I need to give myself a little more credit for what I offer as an assistant. When I was offered the job I was told that “ everyone was impressed by me.” By me! Can you believe that??

Can you imagine if I would have settled with the limits I was justifying in my head. If I would have limited myself because of the challenge applying for this position posed? I would have missed out on an amazing job offer from a firm that thinks I am worth investing in!

Surprisingly enough I wasn’t even nervous going into my first day of work this week. I think the intense interview process made me realize I am more than enough to fulfill and excel in this role. I bring skills and value to this role and I’m going to own it!

As I sat in the training the past few days, I’ve grown more and more confident and more and more excited. There is so much potential to learn, grow and shine in my role and I’m ready for it.

I really want to go into 2020 shedding limits I put on challenges and take as much opportunity as possible to challenge the limits I have in place (that need to break). We are our only limit when it comes to what we can accomplish, when it comes to our confidence, and when it comes to our growth. I want to burst through my self-imposed limits and face new challenges and grow a little more with each and every single one.

I encourage you to look at yourself with a little more confidence, look at yourself with a little more love and encouragement that YOU CAN OVERCOME CHALLENGING THINGS, and not just overcome but THRIVE.

Take that leap of faith to do something that you might think is out of your comfort zone and you just may be amazed at what opportunities unfold.

– Steph

It’s a Comeback… Again

Following my last “Bipolar Bliss” post I figured I should lighten the mood with a meme, and might I just say this one is hilarious.

Sometimes the moods of bipolar get the best of us, but the beauty of it is that they won’t last forever. We are entitled to a comeback, with a happy mood. I had been going thru a rough patch and feeling pretty crummy about life in general with this diagnosis, however I have a life so I’ll start with that fact, which should be enough for me to show gratitude. Not only do I have a life, but I live in a country with access to modern medicine and therapy (which I do require)… more to be grateful for.

Taking medication stinks BUT so does being a tornado in my life and those that I love. Medication allows me to live a moderately stable life – so it looks like I’ll bite the bullet and pop the pills for the rest of my life. Besides, I have so much practice now I’m a pro.

So much has changed from my last Bipolar Bliss post. I recieved a job offer!!!!! From one of the largest firms in Canada, not only does it act nationally but it is also an international firm. The pay and benefits are mind blowing – so things are looking to have taken a turn for the best! I will be working as a legal assistant in a new area of law; intellectual property, which honestly is so exciting! I can’t wait to start learning about this area of law and the litigation process.

Things are picking up, and despite my pessimism last post, I have tried to be positive and lo and behold things have seemingly gotten better…. coincidence? I think not.

Attitude plays a huge role in managing this diagnosis, if you have the right one and try to push thru the ugly the possibilities of finding things to be grateful for are endless.

– Steph

Close To The Edge

I have been really struggling lately. I don’t know where I’m at mentally to be honest – but I wouldn’t consider it a good place. I feel like crying, I feel like screaming, I feel like thrashing my arms and legs, I feel like giving up on life (not to suggest I want to die… just keep reading and you’ll understand).

The past few weeks (this last one in particular), it has been painfully difficult for me to take my medication. I just don’t want to do it anymore. With each pill I put in my mouth more and more resentment is built. This resentment is not directed towards anyone in particular its just a matter of me loathing the pills I’ve been popping since 2014. And I just don’t know if I can do this the rest of my life.

I’m tired of all the effort and energy that goes into living life with bipolar day-in-and-day-out. I’m tired of the maintenance. I’m tired of the monitoring, tracking and appointments. I’m tired of the self-talk. I’m tired of trying to be optimistic. I’m just done. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do any of it.

I’m tired of doctors appointments, of therapy. I just want to feel normal not like every little thing I do is scrutinized. I told my husband I was unhappy and the very next thing said was a question, “when is your next therapy appointment?” I DON’T WANT TO HAVE EVERYTHING TURN TO THERAPY.

Family will always ask when I have an appointment as if it’s a lifeline for them and me. As if I’m incapable of dealing with life on my own. Perhaps it’s TRUE, perhaps I can’t deal but I’m tired of this life and living it this way. I’m tired of having my emotions constantly analyzed. It’s a two edged sword, I missed therapy when I didnt have it BUT at the same time I’m sick and tired of it being in my life even if it does mean I “function better”.

I’m spiraling. Maybe it’s because I have too much time on my hands these days since I am not working. Which I also hate. I hate being bored and unproductive and I am bored. I am also tired of trying to find a job that accommodates my bipolar and insomnia (commuting). I’m tired of my inability to wake up super early like the average person can do to get to work on time for a typical job.

Life is an accommodation when you have bipolar. I am writing this now in frustration BUT I’m pretty sure it’s the blunt truth and I won’t be able to deny this fact even when my souls at peace, which hopefully happens sooner than later.

Bipolar. It requires you to change your way of life to accommodate it, as to not poke the beast and cause a scene. I’m tired of it, maybe I will let the beast out to play and wreak some havoc.

I feel so disconnected from everyone. The only time I sincerely feel anything, any sense of just being free is at the gym with my sister. The gym is my happy place. It was years ago and I am happy to say it is again.

If you get anything out of this negative post it is as follows: if you are spiraling cling on to your happy place. Hold on to something that is liberating. Maybe its art or reading – just find something not someone you can connect with. People are great, but sometimes solitude is what you want and need and people just can’t understand how or what you feel.

But honestly, aside from the gym I have 0 desire to do anything. I’m just not interested, I feel like everything is a waste of time. So that brings the question of what constitutes as boredom. I could fill my time with menial hobbies, but why? What is the point.

I am just tired my friends. This blog post doesn’t unravel years of blogging – it just shows I’m human and I am living with bipolar and I am in the wringer right now. I am having a rough time and that’s life. But the question at the end of it, is what am I going to do about it.

Sleeping for 1000 years is not an option unfortunately.

Not my typical post, but my blog is a space where I can let my emotions soar so please bear with me while I’m soaring yet spiraling.

– Steph

Not Just A Pretty Face

I am more than what you see. This is something that I know for a fact, yet at times I need to be reminded of.

This post is about to get real, and I hope you can bare with me as I try to express myself.

I am human, I am not perfect. I lead an imperfect life filled with my own goliaths, as I know you do too. Some are bigger than others and sometimes the most I can do is acknowledge them and say to myself, “hey, I see you… not sure what I’m going to do about you BUT I see you.”

Sometimes we are battling things on our own privately and the idea of sharing our battles with anyone else seems out of the question. However, I encourage you to find a safe haven, whether that be a family member, a friend or a counsellor.

I am so grateful to be back in the swing of things with a counsellor. I was matched up with a great lady named Gail in the town I am now residing. So far we seem to jive pretty well and she’s been able to shed some insight with what I’ve been struggling with. Yes, I still talk to my husband and family about it BUT I find my counsellor gives me a different perspective that allows me to express myself more eloquently.

Lately (that’s used loosely), I’ve been struggling with my self confidence. It’s ironic, the more I feel like I’m looking better outwardly the more reassurance that I need. Feeling beautiful on my own isn’t enough for some reason. It’s as though I don’t believe it’s possible so I need others to reassure me (believe me, I know how messed up that sounds).

Yesterday in my appointment I realized so much of my self worth is dependent on how I look and believe me when I say that standard applies only to myself. I DO NOT MEASURE PEOPLE’S WORTH BY THEIR APPEARANCE. I firmly believe its deeper than skin – I just wish I could extend the same kindness to myself.

I’ve struggled with my weight and skin for years and my confidence has been shattered. For years I was fixated on how disappointing I must have been to my family to look the way I did. I did not love myself truly even though I was doing the best I could. And don’t get me wrong, I was still happy, but at the same time I was sad because of the way I looked.

I was saying to my husband I don’t think I’ve ever been happy with my life coinciding with my looks in a very long time – if ever. Either I was happy with my appearance and sad with my life or sad in life and sad with my appearance or happy with life and sad with my appearance. And I know it may sound weird, but I’m happy in my life right now (SO HAPPY) and I’m growing more and more happier with my appearance AND I don’t know how to handle it. I just don’t know how to truly believe or accept I’m beautiful on my own without needing validation or reassuring from my family and at time friends.

How unbelievably shallow. I know. Pity party for feeling pretty. Wah. Wah. Wah. But I’m serious, so much of how I view myself revolves around looks. I haven’t looked like the person I’ve wanted to look like for yearsssss and now that I am starting to I’m happy BUT I don’t know how to accept it for myself. It’s messed up and I’m being honest even though I’m not even sure it makes sense.

Everyone’s struggles are different. Right now I’m learning how to love and accept myself at any shape or size even if it’s the one I want to be! And just because I’m reaching that size it doesn’t mean everything is just magically going to be better. There is a lot of extra psychological weight with the weight I’m shedding and I’m trying to work through it so I can sincerely accept myself (and be happy).

On a different note, my counsellor gave me some worksheets to do regarding my values BECAUSE shocking news to you and myself – I’m not shallow. My fixation on my appearance may elude to it but I do have strong values, beliefs and a heart and mind. She gave me excercises to stimulate my vocabulary and give me more words to describe my values.

Sometimes we just need a push in the right direction to take away the bull seeing only red. And lately, I think with all this spare time on my hands from not working everyday 9-5 I have a little too much time to think and dwell on myself. The gym is great and is helping me reach my goals BUT that is one part of a ginormous puzzle of who I am as Stephanie.

I think I’ll share some of the values I have and rediscover in next weeks post, perhaps the values will hit a chord and you will have them in common with me or they will make you think of new ones entirely.

I’m not just a pretty face and I sure as heck don’t want to die with that being what people think of me. I want to be so much more. I really want to have it all – and dang nabbit I will. If I work on myself physically, mentally and spiritually. If I can learn to love myself – as myself at every stage, that is what will be truly beautiful.

You are beautiful, I don’t have to see you to know it. You are priceless with infinite worth, I believe that without a shadow of a doubt. Be kind to others BUT please, please, please be kind to yourself, that’s something I’m trying to apply into my own life.

– Steph

A Gift For You

I feel like I’m in the training process right now all over again.

So many wonderful things have happened since my husband and I have moved. I even have a job secured which is a blessing all in it’s own.

However, the work I’m doing is in fact different than working as a legal assistant. I know, I know in a few posts back I mentioned that perhaps I would be working outside of my profession and I think I went as far as to say it might be a nice change. But ohhhh how I was wrong.

I’m working as a casual receptionist. Slightly administrative, but to be frank I miss the hustle and bustle of my career EVEN if it gave me stress. I enjoyed the challenge and I realize that now. You never realize what you have until it’s gone, right?

It’s not to say that the receptionist position isn’t enjoyable, it is just a tad bit slow and not very challenging. However, as this post says “see the good in every situation”… so my friends the good that I can see is that this position is at a seniors manor. I love working with seniors, I’m not sure if I wrote on my blog previously about this, but during the summers between school years I worked at a seniors home as a dietary aide. Prior to that I did housekeeping at another manor.

Seniors are so lovely, sure they can be a bit prickly BUT they have such personality and are genuinely happy to see you each day you work. That is the good in my position as far as I can tell.

Training your mind to see the good is a philosophy I’ve tried to apply throughout my life. Life is so much more enjoyable when you try to look for the good. Lessons can be learned, memories can be made and cherished and it can all stem from the most unlikeliest of situations.

Perhaps as you move forward in this new year and decade you can work your mind out and train it to see the good when the good seems to be a bit out of reach.

But let’s be clear, seeing the good doesn’t mean we ignore the bad. Sometimes we need to see the bad so we can make a change which is the good at the end of the day. Maybe a bad breakup from a toxic relationship is the good in your life because you are now free to begin a new life (but you’d have to see the bad, before you make the change to be able to see the good… if that makes sense).

Sometimes I slip into a Negative Nancy mood and everything is wrong and nothing is right and when that happens, if it happens to you, all I can say is – breathe.

Take 15 minutes, close your eyes, leave the situation and just breathe. Talk yourself through what is happening and why you are feeling the way you are feeling and if you are lucky, you might just be able to find a sliver of reasoning advocating for some positive energy.

I am not the best at breathing thru stressful situations, but there have been many times where I close my eyes and listen to my breathing. I try to focus on the breathing in order to ground my mind when it is going up, up and away. Sometimes just focusing on your breathing can calm you and help you see clearly. And when you see clearly I’ll be darned if there isnt something positive to take away from the situation. Whether it’s self-development or having a mask pulled off someone in your life so that you see their true colours and you can move on in your own life. There is always a positive spin if we look hard enough.

I hope everyone is having a good week, and if you are having a tough one all I can say is take a minute to breathe. Listen to that sound and remind yourself that life is a gift that has been granted to you. There will be ups, there will be downs, but it is a gift and I hope and pray we each find a way to love the life we make for ourselves each and every day.

– Steph

It’s a New Chapter

I love New Years, it’s such an exciting time of year as we prepare to begin another journey filled with new chapters of life and opportunities.

2019 has been an incredible year, I am so grateful for all that I’ve experienced as it has allowed me to grow and be that much more of the person I want to be.

Life is a journey as I’m sure you’ve heard countless times before. Life is lesson upon lesson – everything we do or don’t do is for our betterment if we allow it to be. It can be exciting and a giant relief if you look at life this way; you don’t have to have it all figured out all the time. You can take it day by day, hour by hour; learning and living as you go.

I don’t have my life figured out, but throughout the life I have lived thus far I’ve been refined and I do know who I don’t want to be and if you know that much, it leaves you with a more direct path to walk and develop into the person you do want to be.

I will probably be developing into the person I want to be my entire life, that doesn’t mean I’m a failure, it means I’m constantly growing and changing which I believe this life is all about. If we arent changing, we are stagnant and that gets us nowhere – literally.

I have some serious goals for 2020, mostly pertaining to my health – mentally of course BUT some serious goals about my physical health which you will be introduced to on an upcoming post next Monday, so be prepared to look out for it. I don’t want to seem like a cliche with this particular new years resolution, it just works out that it’s new years and I’ve moved and settled and am ready to start tackling this goal.

There is never a wrong time to start working on your health, if you want to make it this new years resolution don’t feel silly for it. Health is always a noble resolution, and new years is a time of reflection to develop or refocus on those goals.

Apart from my mental health, physical health, and my goal to be more intentional from my birthday I want to develop some new characteristics this year and ditch some old ones. A few for example are as follows:

Ditch:
1. Talking negatively about people, even when I’m beyond irritated (I need to learn to curb my tongue when it literally does not benefit anyone)
2. My controlling nature, if things arent done a certain way I can get pretty distraught and short with people (everyone has a right to do things their way, just because it’s not my way doesn’t make it wrong)
3. Lack of comittment to goals that I set (I can easily get distracted and start a new goal mid completing a former goal and then not complete or take a million times longer to complete a goal)

Develop:
1. Hunger for knowledge (I feel like I’ve been coasting with respects to my development, I’m not in school anymore and there has been a lack of formal reading and learning)
2. Flexibility. I need to develop more flexibility with how things are done (going back to if they are done differently than I would have done them)
3. Cooking more. I want to be a pro in the kitchen so my husband and I can eat a more diverse menu that is healthy and budget friendly (let’s just say I’m not interested in only eating chicken and veggies this year)

Those are just some of my resolutions that I was able to think about as I thought about what changes I want to see in 2020. I am excited for the positive changes ahead. A goal not written down is only a dream. I encourage you to write your resolutions and goals down for 2020, and write them in a place you will be able to see them throughout the year.

Here we are. A brand new year awaits us, let’s make the most of it and grow a little more into the person we want to be over the course of the next 366 days (it’s a leap year I’m told)

Happy New Years.

– Steph

Just an Update

My husband and I started unpacking our apartment on Sunday and I was feeling slightly overwhelmed, he was a good sport and super supportive as always. However, we moved from a 2 bedroom with a shed to a one bedroom with a den. Shall we say a wee bit tight BUT it’s still massive in it’s own way (don’t ask me how).

Anyways I went over Monday with my mom and she helped me put up our pictures, so simple yet so helpful. I felt like so much was accomplished when in reality it was only a few boxes.

For now I am trying to enjoy my time off work, am I a bit stressed about not having a real job as we speak? Yes (although I did obtain a causal position at a seniors lodge) The whole situation is actually ideal to be honest, it gives me time to unpack and for my husband and I to settle, which is exactly what I did with my previous move, so why in the world am I tripping now???! Don’t ask me, because I know it’s not even rational stress.

If I was working I would be a basket case knowing I have boxes to unpack and furniture to set up in our apartment – so I’m trying to appreciate the time off. It’s been a while since I had a long holiday – so again why am I crying over this break that so many people would love to take! When the right opportunity comes along it will come along, just like it did before. So for now I need to chill!

I was thinking about the course of my past year and if I accomplished the things I set out to do. Yes, to a degree, I started lessons for classical guitar and stuck with it. I enrolled in the fashions course I talked about on my blog BUT it was cancelled due to not enough numbers in the class (not my fault), I was fairly active with the gym and swimming (definite room for improvement), I added a few more creative activities into my life such as therapeutic Mandela colouring and reading (and blogging again!), I started spanish lessons BUT I had to take a breather as I was doing a bit to much all at one time (you can refer to my older post to see what I’m talking about) and I did boxing up until my foot and shoulder exploded from pain and I had to taper down. Not too shabby overall, there were some bumps along the way BUT I did experience nearly everything I set out to do.

Now that I’m back, I want to resume guitar lessons FOR SURE. I think I’m going to ask my mom to re-teach me how to sew and work on projects at her house rather than find a course in the city, she is an amazing seamstress and I might as well take advantage of her wealth of knowledge and skill. No more boxing at a club for me, I’ll just use focus mitts at home with my husband so that I can go at my own pace with my shoulder and foot. I do what I can and I’ve learned not to push myself through pain just for the sake of it – not worth the prolonged injury! Believe me!

Aside from my birthday goal to be more intentional with my time, relationships, activities and aesthetics, I am cooking up some goals for the new year that I am excited to share shortly. As I mentioned there will be a new series on my blog and it has to do with some serious goal digging.

I know my posts have been more updates with my life rather than a post that hopefully gets you thinking about the way you are thinking and giving you some new perspective, I’ve just been a wee bit busy the past few weeks and wanted to make sure I posted as I’ve been on a roleeeeee and might as well let you know what’s going on in the mean time.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.

– Steph

Going Places

HOLY COW!

The move took place, and it couldn’t have gone any better. We were able to get the moving truck a day early for free, pack up and then I then cleaned the apartment the next day and we got the entire damage and pet deposit back. We caught the 7 am ferry and had clear roads the entire way. We travelled a total or almost 17 hours (some areas are considered treacherous in winter). My husband had an interview last Monday in a town that my entire family almost lives in AND HE GOT THE JOB!

And not only did he get the job but it is even better than we could have hoped for! And then to top it off we looked at an apartment across the street from his office at an amazing price – all utilities included, washer and dryer, dishwasher and pet friendly. We only have one car so this location is perfect and WE GOT THE APARTMENT!

I called the province’s mental health line for my region and was approved to be accepted into an all expense paid for program with a psychiatrist and counsellors. My first appointment is the 31st of this month anddddd rather than travelling an hour into the major city, the mental health clinic is right in the town I’ll be living.

The reaction I’ve had from my family, my nieces and nephews have been priceless. I’m feeling so loved and beyond happy to be surrounded by family and also have my husband surrounded by them too. I cannot wait for his relationships to grow, I will note that I want to maintain a healthy boundary with my family because I’m literally in the same town as everyone and there is an importance on our relationship stay our relationship.

I’ve been looking up guitar classes at this point I haven’t found anything, I may resort to asking my dad to teach me – I want to keep up my guitar. So fingers crossed all goes well.

We found a gym that is new to the town and gorgeous, we are going to wait for the new year and see if a promo pops up. If not we will still join as we are gym goers. It is a total 2 minute drive from our new apartment.

Nutmeg was so precious to watch as she’s been reunited with my parents and sisters. She was literally a little jumping bean and could not contain her excitement. I know despite the cold she’s happy. The cold has not been kind to my face, my skin is drastically drier here than in the province and city I was previously living in, se la vie, a small price to pay.

Now it’s my turn to find work. I don’t think I’ll be working as a legal assistant as there are no openings in this town and I dont feel like commuting an hour to an hour and a half every day one way. Especially in winter, I’ve done the commute for years prior and it took a toll on me. The prospect of finding a simpler less stressful job doesn’t seem so bad in my books. I’m honestly just so happy to be back.

None of this has been luck or coincidence I know it has been a blessing from the Lord, and answers to countless prayers. I feel beyond grateful and I hope I never take this experience for granted. We leapt with faith to unknowns leaving behind amazing jobs with no prospects in sight. Yet here we are, my husband employed in his dream job with amazing living accommodations #blessed and close proximity to family and medical support.

There are mighty miracles in our lives if we look for them. And I feel like I’d have to be staring at my feet to miss them all lately because they’ve been so bountiful and evident. Good things have come our way and I hope I can move forward offering goodness to others.

I feel excited. I feel rejuvenated. I feel relief. I feel confident. I feel hope. I feel peace. I know this is where my husband and I are meant to be and for that I feel grateful.

There have been some rough patches inevitably, but I know this is where we are meant to be and I’ll enjoy the journey and continue to look for the good, because when you look for it – it’s hard to miss.

I will say there was one incident recently that took a lot out of me, I’m looking forward to starting consistent therapy to manage myself a wee bit better and to have an additional support system which at times is so essential apart from family and friends.

With respects to my blog I still have big plans, I’m going to introduce a new series in the new year and I’m excited to have you all journey with me in this new chapter of life.

I’m trying to stay grounded throughout the hustle and bustle, I am definitely looking forward to getting into a new routine. Routine is so critical to well-being!

Just a simple post while we still settle in, we got the apartment keys today and will be unpacking the remainder of the week.

Wishing you all a happy week.

– Steph

Laugh Until We Cry

Here I am always talking about self-awareness and let’s just say I missed the mark.

Last week I had a conversation with my husband and it consisted of a question followed by how he felt. My initial reaction was to be defensive and justify that I was by no means doing any wrong by him, which he politely listened to. In fact he even went as far as to suggest I was correct; however, it struck a chord and I chose to do some serious self-reflection. Lo and behold my statement had a little validity BUT even more so, so did his.

I think I made a post where I mentioned my curiousty for how my depressive and hypomanic episodes would play out in my future after I had considered myself to have found a healthy balance with my relationship and medication etc… The blatantly obvious episodes that I could detect rather quickly in my prior years of life had become not as evident (not gone but not as evident to me).

But for the sake of showing how I slept on myself with obvious textbook signs I will continue … I haven’t slept properly or with any regularity severely for the past 2 months. I’ve been having a hard time focusing on anything, because I have a million and one ideas swirling in my mind, I’ve been speaking loudly, quickly and excessively with an added measure of repetition (literally repeating myself over and over with the exact same measure of excitement to anyone who I can pin down) I have been a little more on edge, shall we say more irritable and reactive and I’ve definitely exercised my obsessive nature with certain interests… like serious tunnel vision with only specific topics. Don’t be confused that my focus is at an all time low, while I’m obsessing over various topics. Its hard to have a clear grasp on anything while trying to do and talk about everything. And let’s not forget my grand idea to change careers over night which resulted in serious research and commitment until my sister intervened.

But holy cow! Why 2 months?! My regulated self typically experiences a hypomanic episode for 4-7 days. The fact my husband brought up how he was feeling disconnected was a reality check, and thus the realization of this state I’ve been in was addressed.

When I started to ask myself about my behaviour and my relationship dynamics with my husband, there has in fact been a shift the past 2 months and I had to ask myself, why?

*Tip: Try to look at your timeline and if there have been major events or road bumps. For me, as I said before special occasions and changes definitely impact my mood.

However, back to the question – it might be unimpressively shocking to note that major events and changes have in fact taken place non-stop since the beginning of October. Not in a bad way, just in a way that has thrown off my balance and routine. And caused me to go up, up, up, and away!

I had my husband’s birthday in early October, then my birthday, then our anniversary and then we decided to move, then I gave notice at work, all the while being on cloud nine; excluding the work situation that I lost myself over (but who knows maybe it impacted me more because of the state I was already in) But even that, the fact I thought I needed to change careers so quickly and confidently should have tipped me off that I was not quite my “grounded” self.

It took me seeing my husband’s feelings being hurt and admitting my behaviour was an attributing factor to stop me in my tracks and say “hold up Stephanie, how and what are you doing and when did you start doing it?”

And that is how I realized I was feeling so incredible but at the expense of shutting out my husband and being quite selfish. I realized I never had to share my time when I was (severely) hypomanic before. My family would let me be and I’d do as I pleased for the days that I was consumed with myself and my insesent interests.

They would know I was not quite myself and just let me have space. But let’s be frank I wasn’t married to my family. I am married to my husband, and 2 months is a long time for me to be on this solo-wagon of just Stephanie’s world. He had been reaching out to me and I essentially ignored the advances and stuck to myself. Mind you it wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t aware of how disconnected I was to his feelings BUT now I am.

I honestly don’t know what to do in this situation. I’m hoping that if I can speak to someone when I move, maybe we can make a plan to navigate episodes that last longer than a week and perhaps I’ll be called out a lot sooner. But I do know it is something I have never experienced before with someone I’m in a relationship with and living with on an intimate level.

That all being said, I fell apart this past friday and weekend. I held myself together during work and when I got home I had a shower and ugly cried. Not over anything in particular, I just felt this overwhelming sense of sadness – which was a drastic change from all the happiness I’ve been feeling. I stayed in the shower for over an hour, just crying on and off. Then I got out, my husband came home and I went back into the shower and cried some more.

I think the shower is like a comfort blanket, the water on your skin and the noise that mutes your cry. I haven’t cried for absolutely no reason in front of my husband and I didn’t feel like making a spectacle of myself since I had no real reason to be sad. I simply had felt sad. The weekend followed suit. Sadness and tightness in chest, I avoided public as the idea of having people look at me made me feel anxiety. Perhaps it’s all the stress and excitement and it’s a mass amount of emotion and a matter of trying to still work and hold it together and move with some degree of grace.

I’m going to make it. I’m going to be happy and I’m going to bounce back from the high (it’s been a slice) and conquer the low. Because what is the alternative?

Only a few more days and I’ll have two feet out the door. I’ll keep you posted.

– Steph