Close To The Edge

I have been really struggling lately. I don’t know where I’m at mentally to be honest – but I wouldn’t consider it a good place. I feel like crying, I feel like screaming, I feel like thrashing my arms and legs, I feel like giving up on life (not to suggest I want to die… just keep reading and you’ll understand).

The past few weeks (this last one in particular), it has been painfully difficult for me to take my medication. I just don’t want to do it anymore. With each pill I put in my mouth more and more resentment is built. This resentment is not directed towards anyone in particular its just a matter of me loathing the pills I’ve been popping since 2014. And I just don’t know if I can do this the rest of my life.

I’m tired of all the effort and energy that goes into living life with bipolar day-in-and-day-out. I’m tired of the maintenance. I’m tired of the monitoring, tracking and appointments. I’m tired of the self-talk. I’m tired of trying to be optimistic. I’m just done. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do any of it.

I’m tired of doctors appointments, of therapy. I just want to feel normal not like every little thing I do is scrutinized. I told my husband I was unhappy and the very next thing said was a question, “when is your next therapy appointment?” I DON’T WANT TO HAVE EVERYTHING TURN TO THERAPY.

Family will always ask when I have an appointment as if it’s a lifeline for them and me. As if I’m incapable of dealing with life on my own. Perhaps it’s TRUE, perhaps I can’t deal but I’m tired of this life and living it this way. I’m tired of having my emotions constantly analyzed. It’s a two edged sword, I missed therapy when I didnt have it BUT at the same time I’m sick and tired of it being in my life even if it does mean I “function better”.

I’m spiraling. Maybe it’s because I have too much time on my hands these days since I am not working. Which I also hate. I hate being bored and unproductive and I am bored. I am also tired of trying to find a job that accommodates my bipolar and insomnia (commuting). I’m tired of my inability to wake up super early like the average person can do to get to work on time for a typical job.

Life is an accommodation when you have bipolar. I am writing this now in frustration BUT I’m pretty sure it’s the blunt truth and I won’t be able to deny this fact even when my souls at peace, which hopefully happens sooner than later.

Bipolar. It requires you to change your way of life to accommodate it, as to not poke the beast and cause a scene. I’m tired of it, maybe I will let the beast out to play and wreak some havoc.

I feel so disconnected from everyone. The only time I sincerely feel anything, any sense of just being free is at the gym with my sister. The gym is my happy place. It was years ago and I am happy to say it is again.

If you get anything out of this negative post it is as follows: if you are spiraling cling on to your happy place. Hold on to something that is liberating. Maybe its art or reading – just find something not someone you can connect with. People are great, but sometimes solitude is what you want and need and people just can’t understand how or what you feel.

But honestly, aside from the gym I have 0 desire to do anything. I’m just not interested, I feel like everything is a waste of time. So that brings the question of what constitutes as boredom. I could fill my time with menial hobbies, but why? What is the point.

I am just tired my friends. This blog post doesn’t unravel years of blogging – it just shows I’m human and I am living with bipolar and I am in the wringer right now. I am having a rough time and that’s life. But the question at the end of it, is what am I going to do about it.

Sleeping for 1000 years is not an option unfortunately.

Not my typical post, but my blog is a space where I can let my emotions soar so please bear with me while I’m soaring yet spiraling.

– Steph

2 thoughts on “Close To The Edge

  1. Hi my sweet. I get it. As you know I have dealt with health issues all my life from my broken back at age 10 and continual pain from then on to now. It doesn’t stop. It effects emotionally as well. I live in dreams of what I wish my life is. I made up my mind years ago to think positive even when life sucks it is not easy but it’s the only way I can go on. A few times in my life I considered finishing it all but that would devastate my family and friends and having lost loved ones that way I would not want to put anyone through that. Instead I read and STUDY my scriptures and pray for strength and that is not always easy but God is there and pulls me through. As you know I am going through a hard time with my health now and I get very lonely. Music helps with that. God has a plan for each of us and we need to trust Him. Why me we wonder but everyone has a mountain to climb everyone. We are not alone in our suffering. If we could change places with someone would we? I for one would not.
    Medicine is a pain and some days I too have trouble getting it down. I don’t even like candy for that reason. I have found that the Keytones are helping my mind and even that I have trouble drinking but it helps so I drink it fast and I do feel the benefits. I wish you would give it a good go of it. You may find your miracle there. I love you so much Steph I feel your pain. Please keep placing one foot in front of the other keep climbing your mountain and one day you will see the sunrise and set from the top. Hugs always. I am always here for you and all my other emotionally challenged family members. You are not alone . Uncle Dwayne suffers severely every day as do some of your cousins. Stay strong you are a fighter so don’t quit. Love from your grandma.🌹

    Like

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