How About A Slap In The Face

This past week was probably one of the most upsetting weeks I’ve had in a long time.

I apologize for my absence. Last week my fiance was in town and the week prior I was camping with no cell service to upload a post. Life has been a bit busy, I would say it’s been going really well BUT this week has jeopardized that mentality.

As you know I have a job at a law firm. I was beyond excited to have this job, I love the lawyers I work with. Everything has been peachy. However, everything clearly can’t be perfect and I’ve been on the fence about my salary and whether or not I should apply elsewhere. I have friends who work in the same industry as me who are making a fair amount more – with the exact same amount of experience. I however figured that because I enjoyed who I worked with I would stay with the firm and wait for my 1 year review when I would undoubtedly get a raise.

Tuesday of this week was my review. It was with the 2 partners of the firm, who for the record I never talk to or see.

Prior to talking with them my one lawyer (whom i’m particularly close with) called me into her office. She wanted to give me a heads up with what she told the partners for my review. It was all positive with the constructive criticism that I could have a bit more attention to detail. Fair enough.

I go into the interview and BAM I got slaughtered by the partners. The only feedback they gave me about my lawyers was that they both said I had a pleasant demenour. What?!?!

There was nothing in my review about my actual work or work ethic or how happy my lawyers are with me.

They brought up things that were not true and not my fault, errors made by my one of my lawyers, for which he had already expressed to them that the errors were his fault. The told me I was dependent on the other assistant to do my work. NOT TRUE. It was all just super upsetting. And I was denied a raise. So basically I am being paid a year later as if I have no experience. *slap in the face*

I confronted both my lawyers. Asked them if they were unhappy with me and explained what the partners told me and my lawyers were shocked. Why?? Because they both explained to me that they gave me great reviews because they love me as their assistant, they went on to say what the partners said about me made no sense.

I have been sick over this. My mind has been replaying everything over and over. Everyone got a raise (for a fact) but me. It’s sickening.

It’s so funny how things can change so instantaneously. I have no intention of staying with this firm. Not a chance. I’m getting married and I’ll be leaving in that regard BUT if an opportunity comes to leave sooner I’ll take it.

I’m obviously not going to elaborate in detail what was said, but it was all super shady and has made no sense when explained to my lawyers, family and close friends.

I thought maybe it was me? But this is beyond me. I’m just the sucker in the ploy.

I have had some good visits with friends this week. It’s helped lighten my mood, but at the same time as soon as the visit is over I feel sick again.

This was completely unexpected.

And then to top it off a woman hit my car while it was parked and I was sitting in it. The damage wasn’t bad but she was unbelievable about the whole situation.

People! What is wrong with some people?!

I hope and pray everyone is having a better week than me. Thank goodness it’s Friday!

I just need to shake this off and hopefully I’ll have a more uplifting post next week. This post was to illustrate I am alive and express that I am a bull seeing red and I can’t get a grip of my mind and emotions.

It will all work out. It always does.

– Steph

A Weed Or A Wish

I’ve been fairly consumed with planning and preparing for my new future. The wedding is almost in a double-digit countdown which is a surreal feeling.

I’ve been reading more articles about bipolar disorder a well as a book that I was given when I was first diagnosed. Knowledge is power and it never hurts to go over a critical component of your life. I am not nervous about being married. I am very excited about it, I am however nervous about the change that marriage will entail. I am bracing myself for the change, because as anyone with bipolar knows, change can bring on an episode going either direction – up or down. It’s obviously not by choice, it’s just a natural phenomenon. When the change is drastic enough so becomes the mood.

I’ve been doing well so far, my anxiety has been a bit more pronounced but I have still maintained a happy demeanour. It’s so funny how you become so in-tune with your body after years of dissecting your moods, reactions, triggers, and ticks. One of the bonuses of active participation in improving my health is I am always aware of myself. That’s one of the things my doctors have commented on, on more than a few occasions. I am a very self-aware individual. My mentality is the only way to progress is to be self aware, if you are aware of your weaknesses they can become strengths, if you are aware of your strengths you can apply them to your goals. If you are accomplishing your goals you are becoming the best version of yourself. It all begins with self-awareness.

Self-awareness, is something I’ve had to work on. It required a perspective shift. It required me to take control of my life, take hold of my bipolar and to not be a victim of my mental health. Bipolar was initially a curse in my mind, but it has turned into one of my strengths over the course of the past few years. As one of my sister refers to it as a “super power”. Getting to this point of peace with my bipolar has been a journey, but I have grown immensely. I am not a perfect personification of someone with their bipolar under control, however I am someone with bipolar who has found happiness, when it once robbed me of it. Happiness is not something I experience at all times, there are times that I feel alone and like I am trapped in a dark abyss, however I know that the darkness will fade eventually and I remind myself of this and it helps keep my hope alive.

Taking charge of your bipolar is taking the good with the bad, the highs with the lows and everything in between. It’s not picking and choosing parts of it when it is easy or convenient.

This quote is perfect, some people see a weed. I see a wish. Some see bipolar as a curse. I see it as an opportunity. When you shift your perspective, you will find opportunity in more than you could possibly imagine.

– Steph