Step By Step

Life is so unpredictable, but I’m taking it step by step.

I still feel like I’ve won the lottery because I’m confident with who I am and I have so much to be grateful for. But oh boy, I broke a mirror on moving day … and 7 years seems like a long time!

I was in a fender bender on the day I moved – whilst driving my mother’s vehicle to my apartment (packed with my some of my things) a young girl cut me off as I was letting another car in front of me while in rush hour (she almost hit the car merging into my lane) and alas the immediate break while in bumper to bumper traffic wasn’t enough. So I clipped her car.

What else-

The fellow I’ve been seeing the past 2 months went to my work Christmas party last Saturday with me. Something felt off and I was left uneasy. So what did I do? I talked to him on Sunday.

It wasn’t just Saturday that felt off, ever since I got back from my trip he’s been hot and cold. I don’t play games – and I don’t appreciate being treated like one.

This conversation should have happened sooner, but it took place Sunday. I bit the bullet and faced the elephant in the room – why? Because I was unhappy, and why should I suffer silently when I’ve been gifted a voice and mind of my own.

Ultimately we weren’t on the same page, so we are parting ways. He wasn’t a toad – just a frog.

I get to hold my head up high because I was mature enough to communicate my feelings. I expressed what I needed to express, I didn’t just go with the flow. Who knows how long it would have dragged out.

Don’t be silent and passive in your relationships. If you have the opportunity to be happy take it. Even if it means you have an uncomfortable conversation.

2 months with him is better than 6 months or a year when ultimately we aren’t heading in the same direction.

Back to square one! Oh how I hate dating but as before my focus will be on myself and improving myself – when I meet the right guy he won’t catch me twiddling my thumbs in a castle tower. I’ll be living my own adventure and he’ll have to catch up to me.

A new beginning.

Nothing is wrong with that.

I feel stronger than I did before, I know my worth and it wasn’t dependant on the young man I was seeing. I’m priceless and one day I’ll meet someone who sees that. Until then I know it – and that’s all that matters.

What else –

Living on my own has been great, I miss my family and my close proximity to them all but Nutmeg and I are getting along pretty good.

I am still settling in, so I haven’t made a direct routine yet. I’ve been fitting in snowboarding … or perhaps snow falling is more accurate (I’ve been improving, but my body and ego are bruised) I have yet to go to the gym though. Next week. That’s when I’ll make my triumphant return. This week I’ll make my workout schedule. I’ll plan my meals. And I’ll be ready to go starting Monday.

I am planning to take classical guitar lessons starting January. And I’m planning on making a trip to the library to get my card (and books). So much to do!

I’m also thinking of taking Nutmeg to doggy daycare once a week (on Wednesdays) starting in January, just to get her out of the house in the winter since we can’t go for walks. I feel like she needs the socialization and something out of our ordinary to look forward to. I’m home Saturday and Sunday so it’s a nice way to break up the week for her.

Ultimately things are still going great. The frog wasn’t a setback, he was just a clean slate.

Never pass on a conversation because you think it will be uncomfortable. You will feel worse dwelling on the thoughts and emotions you feel than you will by just talking. Even if the outcome isn’t what you want – at least you get an answer.

Chin up.

Onward in our adventure of life!

– Steph

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Better Than Ever 

This blog post is being collectively being written from various airports and plane rides. My original flight was cancelled and I’ve been rerouted, rather than landing at my destination this evening, I will be arriving the following day. No worries – it’s an adventure.

I have to be honest lately I’ve had this feeling like I’ve won the lottery even though I don’t gamble.

Nicaragua was an amazing life experience – different, but amazing. I am going home to move into my new apartment (which I am incredibly excited about – it represents my independence), I will be reunited with my sisters whom I’ve missed (and my little nutmeg) … and a certain young man that’s made quite the impression.

I am also looking forward to getting back to work (in a career that I love and in an amazing firm) and hitting the gym to smash my goals.

Life is so great.

It’s hard to believe there was a time I didn’t want to live. A time when I would plan the way I was going to die. What a difference.

I know I have bipolar, I know I take 3 different medications, I know I have psychologist appointment every 2-3 weeks, and a psychiatrist appointment every 3 months (it used to be every 3 weeks). I know all these things BUT I know there are moments, where I don’t feel like I have bipolar, where I just am. My sister has even told me sometimes she forgets I have bipolar. It’s unreal how far I’ve come, how I see myself and life differently.

I don’t just function, I don’t just cope – I live.

Being told I had bipolar was the best thing that could have happened to me. It gave me the chance to finally have a life. It finally gave me the answer I was looking for. It opened the door to opportunity, the door to understanding.

Knowledge is power, self-awareness is power. And I was given that power the day I was escorted to the hospital and later diagnosed. It’s ironic I was locked up in a psych ward (terrified) but it was in that moment that I found my freedom.

I love life. I honestly do.

There are times where my mind try’s to tell me otherwise BUT like I said, knowledge is power and I know that I love life. I know my lows will end and I will see the sun shining as bright as ever.

There is so much to do in life, and because of the work I’ve put into my health I get to do it. Sure, I have safety buffers that others without bipolar might not have to worry about BUT if it means I get to step outside of the cage and shackles I was living in before, then so be it. Bring on the buffers.

Invest in yourself- go to doctor appointments and be actively engaged, apply the techniques discussed. Create a support system – people who you can trust and talk to (you are only alone if you choose to be) and educate yourself. When I was diagnosed I read books about bipolar, books about living with it, books about your loved ones perspective with living with someone with bipolar, and cognitive behavioural books and articles given to me by doctors. I made notes, I wrote questions – I refused to sit back and be passive in my own life. I took control of my life once given that chance, I’ve had help along the way but it was a choice I made and I’ve done everything in my power to fulfill it. It’s a never ending process, bipolar doesn’t just go away BUT it can become manageable.

Never doubt what you are capable of. Your happily ever after is a journey and I promise you it’s real.

-Steph