Just Another Toad

Unfortunately, I’ve done exactly what this quote says. 

There is no going back.

I’ve gone and done it again. I picked a toad who I mistook as my prince.

I don’t even know why – 

There were plenty of red flags. I should have left sooner than later BUT I kept justifying his behaviour, telling myself it would change.

It’s all just been a sick twisted game to him. And I obliged and played along. Crazy. 

There is no changing men like my newly titled EX. They live for control, they are so good at making you feel like you’re the problem. Making you feel guilty for deserving more. 

I saw it. I watched it unfold. 

I broke up with him and apologized for it! Who does that?!

I’ve been so caught up in making him happy at all costs that I let myself down in the process. 

He painted the perfect picture of what our life would be and look like BUT the reality is it was no where near it and it was never going to get there.

I just clung onto the dream. 

This wasn’t my first rodeo with abuse. But he sure did a number in a short amount of time. 

It’s unreal what love or what you think is love can do to you. 

I was losing my mind –

I was at war with myself trying to walk away, I tried numerous times and failed. He wasn’t all bad and I would go back to his pleas and empty promises. He needed me. 

All he needed was to abuse me. There’s a big difference.

How disappointing. I’ve done so much to better myself and I let this fool into my life. I have a standard I’ve worked hard to build up and I let him creep in. He was so cunning.

But it’s over. He’s gone. I didn’t even walk away, I think a more accurate dipiction is me army crawling out of a battlefield. But I made it out. 

Don’t ignore the signs. 

My doctors asked if I think I deserve to be treated so poorly. 

I don’t. 

I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Lesson learned … again. 

Never again. 

There is no room in my life for the likes of him. No room for toxicity. I’ve worked so hard to rid my life of it. He isn’t the exception. 

Does it hurt? Yes.

But when you care it’s always going to hurt BUT that’s not a reason to stay. It will hurt you far worse if you do.

I didn’t lose anything by breaking up with him. I gained everything.

I’m sorry if this post is disappointing and is doom and gloom, but I’m putting it out there because maybe someone else is stuck in the cycle (like I was) and needs to know they can get out AND they will be better off for it. It’s a chapter of my life that is gratefully over. I’m human and I am flawed but I’m trying my best. 

I have so many things to be grateful for. So many positive things happening in my life and now I can focus on them without being dragged down.

Focus on the good and let the bad go. He had to go.

I have goals in my life and being happy is one of them. Being happy is a constant goal that shouldn’t be dismissed by anyone. 

Be strong. 

Even though I look back and shake my head for letting myself be in a relationship with a psycho – I am looking back. It’s in the past, I am moving forward because I am strong and resilient. 

I’m single again, not ideal BUT far better than being in a toxic relationship. It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

There is a prince out there for me and we’ll meet soon enough. I don’t doubt that.  

– Steph 

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Protect Yourself 


I really needed this quote. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in someone – in their behaviour. 

We work so hard to find peace in ourselves to create peace in ourselves. Don’t let the behaviour of someone else destroy it. 

I have.

There have been times in my life where I’ve tried to normalize destructive behaviour. I’d make excuses for the individual because I wanted them to be in my life. 

But at what cost?

At the cost of me. And truth be told, it has never been worth it. 

I deserve more. You deserve more. 

We should never have to justify someone treating us poorly. It just shouldn’t happen. It’s so easy to tell yourself that things will be different. That they didn’t really mean it. 

But they did. 

Otherwise they wouldn’t have to apologize a hundred times for the same hurt they’ve caused you. That’s if they even apologize.

Reality is you can’t change someone. Sure you can identify that you want to help them be better – be happier. You can see their potential. And there is nothing wrong with that. It’s good. But, you can’t change someone and their behaviour, they can only do that for themselves. 

However, let them be in your life long enough and they can change you. They can destroy your inner peace. Hack away at your confidence. Get in your head. Make you the problem when you’re not. Things can get ugly when we allow someone toxic into our life.

Save yourself the suffering and walk away. 

Sure, give them the opportunity to change BUT know your limit. When you have a time frame it makes walking away so much more attainable. And when you walk away try your darndest to not look back (something I’m working on). They had their chance. And now it’s time that you got yours. 

You deserve a chance to be happy. A chance to have peace in your life.  A chance to be treated properly by someone else. 

There are billions of people in this world. You don’t need to let a single person ruin your happy. There are so many more that could add to your life instead of taking away from it.

Don’t justify destructive behaviour. Call it what it is. Identify the problem so you can solve it. 

Protect yourself. Protect everything you’ve worked for and don’t let anyone tear you down.

– Steph 

Not So Simple

Last week I went to my oldest sister’s house. I had to go to get my dog, Nutmeg’s teeth cleaned and the place I take her is in the city my sister lives (about a 3.5 hr drive from where I live). I obviously could take her to a vet in my own town/city BUT it would cost me an arm and a leg. The clinic I take her to charges a fraction of the price. Ultimately it’s worth the drive and gives me an excuse to visit my sister and her family. 

It was a pretty good week. I never tire of sitting down with my oldest sister and getting her counsel. She is such an example to me – she’s honestly amazing.

Over the course of the week (and presently) I had a lot on my mind. And that means my brain refuses to shut off. Night after night I’d be up and then in the day I’d be exhausted and overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions. As much as I loved being with my sister and her family, I’m pretty sure I made for poor company. But they loved me anyway and I did my best to not let my mood ruin my time with them.

I could write countless blog posts on the thoughts that have plagued me over the course of this last week and weeks prior BUT  there is something in the back of my mind telling me to figuratively bite my tongue. Perhaps it’s too personal or perhaps if I write about it there is no going back, regardless to the outcome. My doubts, insecurities, and frustrations would be published and what if it all worked out… then I would have spoken ill for my audience to read and the reconciliation would be tainted.

There is a lot of emotion welling up inside of me. There is a part of me longing to write about it all because my brain is exploding and this blog is my outlet BUT for now I will refrain.

Perhaps I’ll find a constructive way to write about it without being so emotional. But alas I am an emotional person so the odds are not in my favor.

Sorry that it’s not an interesting blog post… but it’s enough to show I’m alive and illustrate the turmoil my mind is in. Something others have told me is so simple is crippling me. I’m sure if you have bipolar you can relate. 

Simple isn’t always simple. 

– Steph

Creative Juices 

I have a love for taking old things and turning them into something new. Specifically furniture, and yesterday I hit the jackpot!

Almost two years ago I went to a salvage yard and fell in love with a set of three chairs. Although, it would have been ideal if the set had a fourth chair, its absence did not deter me. I purchased the set and I think I paid all of $3.00. 

Because I moved back in with my parents I obviously didn’t have a need or space for three chairs, but they spoke to me and I couldn’t let them pass me by. My little sister graciously let me store them at her house (my poor parents have an apartment worth of things stored in their garage and shed).

Ever since that purchase I’ve been on the lookout for a suitable table and stool. And my dear friends, yesterday was the day. 

I went to a thrift store with my mom and there was a gorgeous…. correction… soon to be gorgeous… table. It’s honestly perfect! I paid $25.00 for it – what a steal!

After finding this table I was feeling lucky so I asked if we could go to the salvage yard to find the missing stool that would complete my set. Lo, and behold  I found the stool! 

Seriously what a day!

I now have a fantastic kitchen dining table and chairs. And soon enough I’ll move out and put them to good use.

My mom said we could store the table in one of our rooms in the house. She knows how badly I want to be on my own and how perfect this table will be for my apartment. It felt nice knowing she has confidence that I’ll be living on my own sooner than later.

The other week I went to a fabric store and found a beautiful fabric to use on my chairs (and now stool too). Talk about fate.

So everything has come together nicely and over the course of the next couple weeks I’ll be stripping, sanding, staining and, reupholstering my furniture into something new.

I love having a vision and watching it come to life. It’s so rewarding!

When I was younger I always wanted to do interior design. Refinishing furniture is partially how I get my fix. As well as decorating whatever space I’m permitted to.

I’m honestly so happy right now. I haven’t had a big DIY project in a long time. I’ll be taking some before and after photos and posting them on my blog so you can see how it all turns out. If it’s anything like what I’m seeing in my head I’ll be happy with the end result.

– Steph

Just A Little Bit More 


This is so important!

Believe in yourself and what you are worth and what you are capable of.

You are priceless.

And you can do anything you put your mind to. 

So often we under sell ourselves. 

But we need to believe in ourselves just a little bit more. Love ourselves a little bit more and then we will achieve so much more. 

I have been anxious about finding a job. I’m a new graduate with no experience aside from my practicum, and after I finished my practicum on May 26th I felt overwhelmed looking at all the job postings, because they were all requesting years of experience – which I don’t have. 

I applied anyway, I’m not going to lie and say I had bucket loads of confidence in myself BUT I did believe I had something to offer. 

Lo, and behold I got a call for an interview! I was super happy and excited. I went to the interview and I was super nervous BUT before I opened the door I put a big smile on my face, told myself I could do this and that they would love me and then I walked thru the door.

It’s all about how we talk to ourselves. If you tell yourself you are going to fail, you will fail. If you tell yourself you are going to succeed you will – even if it’s not on the first try.

I thought the interview went well and walked away proud of myself for giving it my all.

I’m happy to announce that this morning I was offered the position! This is my dream job and I couldn’t be more ecstatic! 

Believe in yourself and anything is possible.

Don’t give up hope. Believe in yourself just a little bit more and you will be able to get thru anything.

– Steph