To Tell or Not to Tell

I recently shared that I was bipolar with a close friend of mine, she’s quite a few years older than me so perhaps in a way I was counting on her maturity. 
It’s not to say telling her was a complete fail, however if I could go back in time I’d keep it to myself regardless to the opportunity to open up. 

When I tell someone I’m bipolar I brace myself for their judging eyes. Not that they are trying to judge in a harsh way, it’s just everything instantly turns into “oh you must act that way because you have bipolar” … for example I was at this friends house and I was visiting with multiple people when I decided it was time to go home because I was tired … my friend brought this up after I told her I had bipolar and she told me that she noticed my whole personna changed and it all makes sense because I’m bipolar. First off NO. My whole personna did not change – I was tired just like any normal human being gets, I didn’t change before her eyes into my crazy bipolar mode I simply said I was “going home now and have a good night”. 

To tell or not to tell?  That is the question. For now my opinion has been re-established and my answer is Not to Tell. I want people to see me as me not as bipolar and honestly as soon as that word comes out they put a big sign over your head with flashing lights that says “BIPOLAR” every action becomes branded with “because she’s bipolar” I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from that concept within my own family and my dearest closest friends. I don’t want to experience it all over again – I’m not ready for that just yet. I’m alive I react to things just like any normal person would react … sure there are times I may react with a little more zeal BUT I guarantee the average Joe is not going to see that happen.

One day I’ll be okay with people finding out … but for now it’s a no. And if I ever tell again it will be a life altering situation which has always been the case with my friends who do know and that has worked our pretty good so far. 

-Steph

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Sparkle Baby

Why don’t those weekly pill boxes come bedazzled??! Quick! Someone take that idea and run with it, I guarantee you’ll make a fortune. Seriously who doesn’t like some sparkle? 

Until that day comes I’ll be using my plain pill box … well …mine is pink so that’s not completely plain… and i do love pink. Honestly though, pre counting my pills has changed my life *dramatic pause* alright it hasn’t really BUT it’s so convenient, I highly recommend doing it.

Moving on … 

This summer hasn’t exactly gone according to plan. I thought I was going to be a blogging diva and write a bunch of witty uplifting posts… yah. That hasn’t happened. I honestly just haven’t felt inspired… these past few months and when I say few … I mean like 6 months …lifes mojo has been challenging. 

Getting the weight off that I gained from taking seroquel has been a struggle… I’ve felt like I have been beating my head against a wall. I’ve gone 4 weeks sugar free, gluten free and starch free (don’t ask me how I’ve survived I still don’t know)… I haven’t gained weight but I haven’t noticed a difference. Mind you in those 4 weeks I took a break from the gym…YES I was going before my 4 week break, it’s just I’ve just been so disheartened by putting in all those hours sweating and i have literally nothing to show for it. 

Tomorrow I will be going to the the gym. That is my word and I’ll make good on it in my next post. 

I have a trip planned for either winter break or at the end of the school year in April and I want nothing more than to feel confident in a swim suit and confident when I have my photo taken. This is going to be the trip of my dreams, I’m going to my father’s home country of Nicaragua. I’ve always wanted go and it’s finally happening. I need to:

1. Look sexy to attract all the handsome latin men.

2.Practice my spanish so I can speak to all the handsome latin men 

3.Practice my dancing so that I can dance with the handsome latin men.

You can see I’m excited to see the country … jokes aside I’m excited to see where my dad grew up and the handsome latin men are a bonus. 

Back to the topic of weight… this summer my cousin got married and I was asked to be a bridesmaid… honestly I almost told her no because I felt so self conscious about being in photos. But I pushed past my discomfort to share a special day with her. 

I’ve been so unhappy with my weight and it’s shown in my confidence which isnt sexy. I honestly don’t feel like me when I look at me. It’s been a challenge, but I accept the challenge because I’m going to defeat it. I may cry a lot in the process but I will be triumphant.

Hopefully with the gym involved again and eating without sugar, gluten and starch I’ll see the weight melt off. If not … I honestly don’t know what I’ll do BUT I’ll worry about that later if it comes to that.

I know that I’ve come too far with my health to give up now. I want to be both mentally healthy and physically healthy. And I will have both. I’m turning 25 this year and this will be my year with no strings attached. 

I’m hoping to keep my posts more consistent I’ll most likely try to track my weightloss journey as it happens and who knows maybe we can do it together. 

– Steph