Dear Body

  
Could this be any more perfect?

I fell off the wagon BIG TIME. All the time I spent in the gym, all the efforts in making sure I ate (and ate healthy) went out the window. Heck doing my hair and wearing makeup went out the window too.

I alternatively binged on garbage and didn’t even remotely attempt to go to the gym.  I slept and slept and ate and slept some more. (If you’ve read previous posts I’m sure your starting to see that sleep is an avoidance strategy I use when it comes to life and me not wanting to participate in it – I am trying to work on it)

Everything seemed pointless, I was frustrated and overwhelmed with emotions and my solution was to shut down and self loathe. 

Not a good solution. Actually let’s not kid ourselves – it’s not a solution at all.

But that’s what I did, and where did it lead me? It led me to sweatpants and hoodies. You read that right. 

I gained a substantial amount of weight over the last month and a half (I could probably say 2 months) my clothes don’t fit unless we count clothes that have elasticity. What a sad and yet funny truth.

So where does this reality leave me? It leaves me with a choice – continue to do nothing to improve my self care ; sabotaging my health OR take back control by loving and nourishing my body to its optimal health. (It wouldn’t hurt to do my hair and makeup every now and then either)

It’s so easy to sit back and do nothing but sleep and eat in despair – but that leads nowhere fast. 

Don’t fool yourself into thinking your beyond hope, there is always hope. It didn’t take me a day to gain this weight so I can’t expect to lose it in a day.

One day at a time; one glorious determined day at a time. I’ve set my goal to go one week at a time so that I don’t jump ship and bail. 

I’m human and so are you. I’ve  struggled with my weight since high school – there’ve been lots of attributing factors BUT I can tell you that ignoring my health throwing my hands up and saying “to heck with it” isn’t going to solve the problem and it’s not going to help me love myself.

Love yourself to care enough to keep up “self care” even when you hit those blasted lows. That may mean eating healthier, that may mean getting up to shower or even brushing your hair, it may mean hitting the gym OR all of the above.

What ever it may be, DO IT. And keep going, if you have to throw yourself out of bed DO IT. 

I hope that after you read this post you don’t feel entirely alone, thinking your the only one to give up on self care – your not – it happens and the beautiful truth is that we can pick up and keep going. 

We can do it. And if you need a reminder I hope I’ll be here to give it. 

This journey of life is progress not perfection.

– Steph 

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Boiling Point

  
We all have a boiling point and truth be told it’s okay to be angry. That’s something I’m working on it.

Perhaps the notions sounds silly BUT without a word of a lie, that was the task delegated to me today from my doctor.

My problem with anger is that I always turn it inwards. I never just let myself be angry at the person or situation. I don’t know how to just be angry without harping on myself. Which ultimately turns into me getting down on myself and getting depressed – not angry.

 Stupid is usually the word that comes to mind once I get “angry”.But I’m not stupid – I have every right to feel angry whether it’s actually a valid reason in the eyes of the world or not. If I’ve felt wronged I can be angry about it – simple as that.

The key is to let the anger in so that you can let it out. That way it’s not festering within you. Anger is one of the steps to grieving. True story.

I thought I grieved and got past my anger but the truth is I didn’t and how my doctor (and I) can tell is, it’s like a boomerang I’m angry at myself over and over again for the same reason- 

Key word angry at me not the person who wronged me … Somehow he alway seems to be off the hook and I’m left with mess all on my own even though I didn’t make it.

Nothing about that cycle tells me that I’ve directed the real anger where it needs to go; otherwise I would be able to let it go. And so far I can’t. It’s been futile.

And let me clarify that feeling anger is VERY different then acting on it. Don’t do that, acting in anger is a recipe for disaster. 

So with this all being said, what I’m trying to do is encourage you to reflect and ask yourself if you’re sincerely letting yourself feel angry (which is healthy) or if your doing what I do – turning the anger inwards (you don’t deserve that) boomeranging and come back over and over for the same reason.

Think on it and make the conscious decision to let it come so it can go. The sooner we learn how to do this the happier we’ll be… so I’m told. But who am I kidding that theory makes perfect sense.

– Steph

Just A Wee Bit

  Patience is a virtue. Something I’ve been told and recited my entire life. 

Apparently it’s a virtue I still lack. 
There is a time and a season for all things, and we don’t necessarily get to dictate when that time or season is and because of this particular truth it’s easy to jump on-board the pity wagon.

And nobody wants to be riding the pity wagon. Its unbelievablely uncomfortable and mighty miserable. I should know I was just on it…

So, where does that leave us? It leaves us with the ability to react. We may not always be in control of when but we are always in control of how we wait and what we do while we wait. Mind blowing right?

I have had an injury that’s going on 8 years and it’s still not healed, did I in ever in my wildest dreams imagine it would still be crippling me? Stealing away dreams that I had as a youth? Nope, not in the slightest. Yet, here I am a hundred doctor appointments later and I’m seemingly no closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did I throw in the emotional towel? I sure did, as a matter of fact I threw it and then lit it on fire and watched it burn to ashes…. A few times. Luckily, I happen to keep spares. So I’m back. I’m back to face my reality that I don’t get to control everything.

Does it make me sad… Yes BUT that doesn’t give me the excuse to throw away everything I do have.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but, the reality is I have a lot to be grateful for. There is a lot that I can focus my energy on until the doctors figure out how to fix me, because who knows when that will be.

Time spent not being bitter is time well spent.

I don’t always get it right, but I know the truthfulness of how our reactions either drive our happiness or our misery. 

One day at a time. One simple day at a time can keep our hope alive and life is so much more fulfilling when there is hope involved.

At the end of the day it’s not how long we wait. It’s how we wait.

Just When I Was Getting Started

  
Sadly tragedy strikes again.

My phone. My beautiful Samsung phone with it’s glorious big screen – is gone. It’s been laid to rest like all of its predecessors. 

Seriously though, I was just getting back into my mojo for blogging and BAM my phone shatters right before my eyes – becoming an unusable mosaic. 

As I’m sure you are all bursting with curiousity as to how this happened…allow me to tell you.

I was joyously getting into my car with my phone securely tucked into my pocket when all of a sudden it jumped out of my pocket, it literally jumped…. okay…. It slipped out of my unsecure pocket JUST as my car door was closing.

What were the odds of the door closing directly on my phone???

Slim, very slim BUT the odds were ever not in my favour so BAM the door closed and broke my phone along with my heart.

All of the quotes I had on my phone – gone. AND may I say I had a lot – so needless to say I have to rebuild my empire from scratch. Again.

But-

More importantly on my quest to rebuild my empire of quotes I required a new phone and my brother-in-law graciously gave me one. An iPhone 4 ………….. ummm yes……. let’s just say I’m grateful I have a phone…..In all sincerity I haven’t blogged because I’ve been too busy licking my wounds of losing my Samsung, this particular phone has the tiniest screen of life! I feel like I need baby fingers just to navigate on it.

But beggars can’t be choosers. And the funds in my bank account currently express that I can’t be a chooser. So the iPhone stays.

One day. One glorious day I will be reunited with my Samsung and until that day I will be using this iPhone and blogging via it’s tiny screen. 

This blog aside, I’ll be giving a general update this weekend in another post. Yay for technology … and yes I realize I could use my computer to blog it’s just I usually blog when I’m on the go. We shall see, I may have to make a temporary exception.

Steph