On the Outside

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I’ve never “fit in” this is a fact of my life. I’ve never had a group of friends that I can call on or go out with because “we’ve got each other’s back” I’ve never been the popular one at school (haha  definitely not one of the popular girls) at work or within my religious group. I’ve just never fit in.

I’ve always been and I continue to find myself on the outside. I do have a few close friends and I cherish them immensely (unfortunately they all basically live in different cities than the one I currently live in)

I’m coming to terms with being a lone wolf. Sure there has been a part of me that would like have that tv perfect group of friends BUT the reality is that’s not my life’s reality. Never has been and I highly doubt it ever will be. 

At the beginning of this school year I met some girls in my program of study, we got along but ultimately I was vetoed out of the group ever so effortlessly – and it’s okay with me. Why? Because I didn’t really fit in with the rest of the girls to begin with. And that’s okay. Sure – initially I felt like a social failure BUT when I thought it over it I figured “so what?”

I don’t want to be in the company of people who don’t want to be in my company.

I don’t think I’m socially awkward but ige questioned it lately. I’ve been told I’m an enigma (haha) A contradictory specimen… for instance I am quite the social butterfly in the eyes of my peers when at a social events; holding conversations, laughing flitting around to whomever however, but when it comes to me actually going out with these people – I’ve got jack.  How is this possible? Meh I don’t know … but it no longer matters. One of my closest dearest friends said it’s because I have an unrealistic pure & kind heart and people don’t know how to handle my goodness in large doses… hahaha let’s go with that!

One consistency in my life is that people often open up and unload their emotional baggage on me – I’m always ready to listen to a troubled soul and I try my best to offer even a shred of comfort (I don’t like seeing people sad because I know sadness all too well) I just so happen to be quite relatable or well adept to the ways or experiences of the world (I’m not saying this to boast) it’s just I figure that’s my calling in life being a shoulder to cry on while trying to bring back their smile. And that’s okay I like helping, it’s just I’ve resigned the idea that I might have “friends” beyond the comforting shoulder and I’m letting that notion go while simultaneously letting the disappointment go with it as well.

I guess I would be lying if i said I don’t  have atleast one group of friends that I can always count on – and this group is composed of my sisters – we are close knit and I would consider each of them my best friend… sureeeee they are all married (with kids and one on the way) leaving me in a different stage of life …and sureee  that eats me up sometimes. BUT eventually I will meet Mr.Right, for goodness sake, there couldn’t possibly be that many more toads in my path! (If there are I think I’ve beaten a record )

Anyways the purpose of this post was to get some thoughts off my chest and reaffirm that worth is not based on the number of friends we have. And that standing alone can ultimately be when we stand the happiest and truest to ourselves. And that is one of my goals –  to stand happy as I stand on the outside. Everytime I think about how I don’t fit in I remind myself that I am being true to myself and eventually if someone(s) want to be friends with me it will be because I’m me and not pretending to be someone I’m not. Fakery is not my Forte. There is too much stress and anxiety wrapped up in people pleasing.

– Steph

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