Over the past two weeks I’ve had my fair share of tears. And when I say my fair share…. I literally mean everyday, multiple times a day… sometimes for hours.
How have I mananged to retain water within my body? I have absolutely no idea. I feel like if I were a well I’d be dried up. Gratefully, we can rest assured that I am not a well.
On a more serious note, my functionality over the past week went out the window…up in flames… down the drain, im sure you get the idea. I slept the majority of this week (in between all of my crying) and I haven’t attended school for the past two days.
Honestly, it was all too much this time. It was too much to handle and I was not coping. I was losing my ability to keep a grip, so inorder to protect myself and diffuse the anxst that was building up (my panic attack mode was on)… I stayed home, I took a step back and I allowed myself to go through whatever pain I was feeling and had been trying to cover up over the past few weeks while being surrounded by people all the time.
Their was no pressure to keep a smile on my face, which appeased the anxiety that was mercilessly eating me up! All the thoughts in my head that told me my peers were judging me because I wasn’t on my “A-game” began to subside. I was no longer exposed! If there is one thing that I can’t handle, it’s when people start to looking at me like I’ve blown a fuse and I’m not functioning “properly” like I “normally” do.
Maybe it’s all in my head and they don’t notice when I start to lose the life in my eyes… regardless, when it’s running rampant in my head that’s when I become the most lethal. So that’s why I needed to take a step back and diffuse the situation before I completely shut down.
I haven’t taken an unofficial leave of absence for quite sometime, with that being said I’m not about to beat myself up over the fact that I required a “break” this time around.
Life happens and at times emotions get the best of me. However, the lows come and the lows go, even if they may appear bleak and hopeless. There is hope.
Today I can breathe again, I’ve reached the light at the end of this particular dark tunnel. It wasn’t easy, in fact it sucked. That’s the truth. BUT life goes on, and I’m grateful I have the ability to bounce back. I can pick up where I left off… I may have to back track a bit BUT I ultimately am still moving forward.
I still have a lot of work to do in pertaining to handling my life’s journey with bipolar … but I am stronger than I realize. Just like I can confidently say you are too. Strength doesn’t develop when everything goes along perfectly, strength comes when we have to pick ourselves up after we’ve been knocked down over and over. Strength is fighting our personal battles; trying to remind ourselves of our infinite worth.
Our value never diminishes it only grows.
Happy Friday everyone, I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy the rays of sunshine on your skin… the little things that remind us we are alive.