Alone Again

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The past two weeks have been pretty difficult for me.

I’m getting up and going thru the motions. Getting my tasks done, just like I’m supposed to be doing. Talking to friends, joking and laughing just as I normally do. I’ve gone out to events, had some nice entertainment. Yet

During it all. I’ve felt alone.

My friends are great people. My family are amazing people…. this is honeslty probably one of my least favourite parts of my bipolar…. feeling utterly alone. There is no one who can get to me. No one who can calm my troubled mind. I’m untouchable –

I keep seeking reassurance, seeking affirmations that remind me of my love for life or of my progress that I’ve  made… yet even when words are spoken, the words seem to fall on deaf ears. There is a mental block and it’s here to stay for as long as it chooses.

Going thru the motions is prescribed advice from my health professionals, and by all means I understand I can’t curl up into a ball and stay in bed all day (I’ve tried to before) However,  sometimes the motions just magnify how alone I truly feel. Talking and laughing or cracking jokes when my heart is really cracking on the inside.

What’s the trigger? Nothing is. Yet again… everything is. Everything seems to be bombarding me, highlighting my inadequacies. I feel like I’m falling to pieces…. but I keep telling myself to hold on for another day and then another day. Because, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and I won’t feel so hopelessly alone.

-Steph