Don’t Look Back

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Sometimes you don’t realize how strong you really are…

It’s almost been a year to date since my relationship of 2 years ended. It wasn’t  a perfect relationship by any means. As a matter of fact it had the word abusive attached to it. My abusive relationship ended almost a year ago and when it ended it was the start of a new life for me.

The cycle. That was honestly the hardest part for me…. it was so difficult to escape it. I’d feel so sad, I’d miss him and I’d try to find reasons to take him back… reasons to justify all the hurt he created. BUT then I’d look in the mirror (literally sometimes crying) and remind myself of everything that I deserved, everything that offered and day by day I  distanced myself a little more from our cycle.

His charming words, expressions of love and apologies were no longer shackles around my heart. I came to realize I was strong all on my own. And I could finally admit to myself that nothing was ever going to change if I went back to him. He was the same and is still the same. He doesn’t know how to love me and it’s not my job try and teach him at my own expense. Love shouldn’t have to hurt.

Anyways, the relevance of this story is based on the fact he contacted me last night.  I haven’t seen him in a year and he was in my city; he wanted to see me… and after talking to him for a while I wanted to see him too. I agreed for us to meet the following morning and I had every intention to & every desire to… but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Prior to his contact with me I literally had the most amazing weekend. I went on a double date that was probably the most amazing date I’ve ever been on! Am I going to marry this guy?? Heck! I don’t know. But I do know how I felt on that date, how I was treated and it was significantly different then when I was with me ex. And it gave me hope that Mr. Right is around the corner because I’m  finally doing what’s right for me. Sometimes when we are on the brink of greatness, life tries to distract us and pull us away from what’s around the corner. Don’t fall for this!

How can I move forward if I keep looking back? How can I ever love somone as much or more than I loved my ex if I keep looking back at him. I can’t! I won’t be able to. And there’s so much more. I know there is.

I don’t need to play with fire to know I’ll get burned, I already have my scars to remind me. But my scars also remind me that I survived and I am stronger than whatever hurt me. They are the lessons of life that have made me who I am today. They are the lessons that guide me to choose my better tomorrow.

Yes, I wanted to see him, to hear his voice in person… and for that very reason I told him this morning that I wouldn’t be coming. I don’t need to do that to myself. I don’t want him to have a foot my door again. (Yes, I will admit allowing that contact in general is a bit of his foot in the door… but I’m human and I’m making progress it hasn’t happened over night but it’s happening)

I escaped the cycle and I dont want to ever go back. There is too much ahead.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

– Steph

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