Alone Again

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The past two weeks have been pretty difficult for me.

I’m getting up and going thru the motions. Getting my tasks done, just like I’m supposed to be doing. Talking to friends, joking and laughing just as I normally do. I’ve gone out to events, had some nice entertainment. Yet

During it all. I’ve felt alone.

My friends are great people. My family are amazing people…. this is honeslty probably one of my least favourite parts of my bipolar…. feeling utterly alone. There is no one who can get to me. No one who can calm my troubled mind. I’m untouchable –

I keep seeking reassurance, seeking affirmations that remind me of my love for life or of my progress that I’ve  made… yet even when words are spoken, the words seem to fall on deaf ears. There is a mental block and it’s here to stay for as long as it chooses.

Going thru the motions is prescribed advice from my health professionals, and by all means I understand I can’t curl up into a ball and stay in bed all day (I’ve tried to before) However,Ā  sometimes the motions just magnify how alone I truly feel. Talking and laughing or cracking jokes when my heart is really cracking on the inside.

What’s the trigger? Nothing is. Yet again… everything is. Everything seems to be bombarding me, highlighting my inadequacies. I feel like I’m falling to pieces…. but I keep telling myself to hold on for another day and then another day. Because, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and I won’t feel so hopelessly alone.

-Steph

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Don’t Look Back

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Sometimes you don’t realize how strong you really are…

It’s almost been a year to date since my relationship of 2 years ended. It wasn’t  a perfect relationship by any means. As a matter of fact it had the word abusive attached to it. My abusive relationship ended almost a year ago and when it ended it was the start of a new life for me.

The cycle. That was honestly the hardest part for me…. it was so difficult to escape it. I’d feel so sad, I’d miss him and I’d try to find reasons to take him back… reasons to justify all the hurt he created. BUT then I’d look in the mirror (literally sometimes crying) and remind myself of everything that I deserved, everything that offered and day by day I  distanced myself a little more from our cycle.

His charming words, expressions of love and apologies were no longer shackles around my heart. I came to realize I was strong all on my own. And I could finally admit to myself that nothing was ever going to change if I went back to him. He was the same and is still the same. He doesn’t know how to love me and it’s not my job try and teach him at my own expense. Love shouldn’t have to hurt.

Anyways, the relevance of this story is based on the fact he contacted me last night.  I haven’t seen him in a year and he was in my city; he wanted to see me… and after talking to him for a while I wanted to see him too. I agreed for us to meet the following morning and I had every intention to & every desire to… but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Prior to his contact with me I literally had the most amazing weekend. I went on a double date that was probably the most amazing date I’ve ever been on! Am I going to marry this guy?? Heck! I don’t know. But I do know how I felt on that date, how I was treated and it was significantly different then when I was with me ex. And it gave me hope that Mr. Right is around the corner because I’m  finally doing what’s right for me. Sometimes when we are on the brink of greatness, life tries to distract us and pull us away from what’s around the corner. Don’t fall for this!

How can I move forward if I keep looking back? How can I ever love somone as much or more than I loved my ex if I keep looking back at him. I can’t! I won’t be able to. And there’s so much more. I know there is.

I don’t need to play with fire to know I’ll get burned, I already have my scars to remind me. But my scars also remind me that I survived and I am stronger than whatever hurt me. They are the lessons of life that have made me who I am today. They are the lessons that guide me to choose my better tomorrow.

Yes, I wanted to see him, to hear his voice in person… and for that very reason I told him this morning that I wouldn’t be coming. I don’t need to do that to myself. I don’t want him to have a foot my door again. (Yes, I will admit allowing that contact in general is a bit of his foot in the door… but I’m human and I’m making progress it hasn’t happened over night but it’s happening)

I escaped the cycle and I dont want to ever go back. There is too much ahead.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

– Steph

Every Move You Make

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This cracked me up pretty good.

I don’t know about you, but this is exactly how my dog Nutmeg looks whenever I have food in my hand.

Oh the joys of having a dog, they follow their heart and their nose! But I wouldn’t trade Nutmeg’s watchful eyes for anything in the world, all the attention even if it’s just for food makes me feel special šŸ˜›

I’ve honestly been meaning to post some actual photos of Nutmeg … but I’m telling you she’s one of the least photogenic dogs I’ve ever seen! Believe me when I say she’s beyond adorable… it just so happens that the camera has a difficult time catching it. Also, I don’t think it helps that Nutmeg begins licking me incessantly whenever I pull the camera out… it’s as if it’s her own personal que.

I’m going to try again this upcoming week to capture her cuteness.

Hopefully you’ve all had a good week, I’m definitely looking forward to the weekend.

(I’m not gonna lie it’s been a bit ruff this week for me)

– Steph

Me? Crazy?

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Not that I condone violence… but c’mon who doesn’t find this awesome?!

A. It references my crazy
B. It talks about Unicorns
C. All of the above

I felt like posting something funny today because it’s Wednesday. Its the middle of the week and as such, something funny is always appropriate.

I don’t think anyone is ever too old for unicorns, or maybe I’m like Peter Pan… and I never grow up. Forever young.

I honeslty do like to think I’m young at heart, and in my opinion that’s a good thing. There are so many adult stressors & hardships that we have to face everyday AND sometimes all we need to do is stop, take a step back drink some chocolate milk, followed by a bowl (or two) of lucky charms and laugh about unicorns.

It’s all very therapeutic for the soul. Doctor approved… alright it’s not Doctor approved BUT it’s got scientific qualifications… alright maybe it doesn’t have that either…. BUT… it will make you happy… guaranteed.

It’s actually very funny… I’ve turned 24 BUT lately everyone I meet (whether its at school or social gatherings) thinks I’m 19-21!! They reassure me it’s not because I’m immature… it’s rather I look young (I don’t see it) and I have a exuberant zealous attitude about life, living it and having fun with it. Also, apparently I’m not caught up on being serious all the time. HECK! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

I have a theory that maybe I seem like I’m 19-21 because during that age I was lost in turmoil, and I never got to really live or love life… so now that my life is “mine” I’m picking up where I left off.
That’s just a theory… dun dun dun frozen in time! 

Or … I’m just forever young which also fits another theory I have.

Regardless! I hope you smiled today. I hope you appreciated the element of unicorns that crossed your path with this post and I hope you can take a step back and appreciating the vibrance your soul has.

– Steph

A New Me. Goodbye 23.

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This quote definitely got the wheels turning in my head! It’s a pretty unique way of looking at birthdays and the age that comes along with it.

At the close of this week. I’m closing another chapter of my life, year 23. And in all honesty I’m happy it’s drawn to an end.

It has been a bit of a tuff year…I’ve had a million and one-hundred million thoughts & emotions running through my head and heart. BUT at the end of it all here I am. I made it to 24!

A part of me wants to reflect on what I’ve overcome (regarding the hardships) … but I won’t. Not because I’m not proud of myself, but because the people or parts of my past that caused the most hurt or trials don’t deserve any recognition while I’m celebrating the new chapter of my life. The past is in the past I’ve lived, I’ve learned and I’m not looking back.

What I will say however, is that I am stronger than I was before. I believe in myself more than I did before. I respect myself more than I did before. And I love myself more than I did before.

I literally feel like the Stephanie who lived her life as a 23 year old has passed the torch on to the new me as a 24 year old. (Corny but true)

I’ve let go of the people who were not good for me, while giving myself the chance to meet some amazing new people on the way. Aswell, I’ve been able to build up the relationships with the ones who’ve been supporting me through it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I am so blessed to have been givin another year of life. There is so much I’d love to do! There’s so much life I’m looking forward to living!

That in itself is such a powerful statement, and I’m grateful I am at a point in my life when I mean it with my whole heart!

Life. I love it & I have hope in it. I have hope in what I can accomplish. And that is one of the best gifts I could have ever received from myself as I greet year 24.

Now on a serious note… alright, it’s not serious at all….

If I could ask for anything else as a gift in this new year…. aside from A’s in school. I would definitely ask to find my prince charming… or even better have him find me! I’m really hoping my run-in wirh frogs and goodness for bid TOADS is over!

A girl can wish!

Here’s to a new year.

– Steph