When Your Blood Starts to Boil

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This picture illustrated me perfectly yesterday during and after my doctor’s appointment. I usually enjoy seeing my Psychiatrist, Dr. M …. BUT yesterday… not so much.

This blog post will be a bit of a rant so I aplogize in advance BUT maybe you’ll understand or perhaps you’ve experienced the same situation/ emotions.

First off, when I came into the office Dr. M was sitting in a seat that was not behind his desk. Rather, a student was sitting behind his desk; I’d met her in my previous appointment, which I wasn’t exactly thrilled about either – I don’t like people sitting in on my appointments. At all.

Last time a student tried to conduct the appointment… it ended badly. I had an anxiety attack and he ended up being escorted out of the room and any future appointments he did not sit in… haha … yah my anxiety can work up pretty intense…. I just don’t like the idea of someone who has no right to know my business ask me questions about my private life, my medical life … about me in general. Students are awesome, I’m all for learning BUT I do not like them delving into my sessions. Those are private. That rant aside….

Dr. M, smiled and looked at me explaining how Ms.Student would lead the discussion and this would be a good and safe way for me to work on my anxiety considering the last student experience…. yah yah yah. No. Not impressed. So throughout my session my answers were minimalistic and I couldn’t help but look at Dr. M as I answered instead of Ms.Student. I don’t have a relationship of trust with Ms.Student so disclosing information feels wrong. If that makes sense. (My arms were crossed the whole time … yes that’s definitely body language BUT it was also to help me from not working myself up I usually start tapping or hitting a leg or arm when I start getting wound up or I’ll run my fingers up and down unintentionally marking one area of my arm… so folded arms were safe)

So the appointment went on and this is where it get ugly…. I start school on September 8th, all my classes have been pre scheduled for me and lo and behold Mon – Thurs all start at 8 am. I live 45 mins out of the city and then the train ride to my school will be 45 mins…. see how much travel time there is? BUT the kicker is I will have to be up at 5am. 5am, in order to get ready and be out of my house on time to avoid traffic. HOW in the world am I supposed to wake up on time?! Or rather stay awake!? With my Seroquel Quetiapine I take 600mg and then 200mg Lamotragine… the seroquel knocks me out solid for 9 hrs… anything before that and I’m a drunk stumbling around hitting walls. If o havr a lower dose I dont seem to sleep. (If I’m in manic… medication doesnt matter pertaining to sleep… because I’m too happy)

Anyway I’ve been working for the past 8 months to “get a grip”, “prepare myself for school”… I’ve mentioned before my concern with sleep & drowsiness … in this appointment I told them “9 hours is Too MUCH” … I’d be happy with 6 or 7… yah no they are adamant it’s 8+

How in the world am I supposed to have a life if I have to go to bed at 9pm. That’s stupid. How am I supposed to study for school? go out with friends? Go to work?? Like what the heck??

So the option thrown out is take my mood stabilizer and decrease it by 100mg… which makes me nervous because I literally just started to feel like I had a grip on life. The other option go to bed as early as an old lady. Or the real winner try out different medications. ALL RIGHT BEFORE I START A NEW SEMESTER IN A NEW SCHOOL! wow… yah… let’s play with fire just as a plethora of new stressor enter my life.

Not impressed. My doctor want me to try lowering the dose by 100… I need to call if I feel off. He is worried about anxiety since obviously that med assists with my anxiety. And he was adamant and reiterated to me “that I should not at any point stop taking my medication”. Honeslty it’s never been a real thought up until lately. As much as I feel like I have a life. All this stupid sleep is stealing it from me…

So basically I was incredibly displeased with everything involving that appointment. I’m stressed to the max about school now… which I am excited for BUT I feel the joy being sucked out if it…

Perhaps a bit dramatic of a post. But holy cow. I don’t even know. I feel like everything blew up in my face in one hour after months of trying to get things under control.

– Steph 

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