Okay… Funny story…..
I thought my world was falling apart around me… was it? Not actually. However, did I feel with every fiber of my body that it was?? Yes siree Bob!
Alright so I have been working hard trying to “get a grip” on me; me+bipolar+anxiety+ocd (my ocd is slight but I do love it… my room and notes can be accredited to it)
If you read my post about “When Your Blood Starts to Boil”, it kind of explains my frustrations with an abrupt change in my plans. I love plans, prepreation, anything that makes me feel like I have a shred of control AND basically that was all taken away in an appointment. Perhaps I was a wee bit emotionally consumed so I took it to another level BUT hey! That’s life.
The irony is that on Sunday evening as I was trying to have a calm discussion with my parents, finding a solution to all my concerns (that decided to appear a week before my university classes started) I lost my calm. BUT prior to losing my calm I emailed my university asking them to consider changing my schedule based on blah blah blah … it was a very thorough email I can assure you that. Additionally, I called Dr. L telling him I needed to see him ASAP .. see how I was setting these little safety nets?
The irony to this story is had I actually waited to receive an email from my university. .. I would have had no need to lose my marbles BUT did I wait for that email before I lost it like a crazy cat woman who doesn’t even own a cat? Nope.
The conversation between my parents and the possible “solutions or alternatives” set me past my boiling point threshold. I blew up like a volcano seeking to destroy a village. I hate feeling like “bipolar” or its symptoms don’t allow me to do what everyone else does… I get tired sometimes and in my lows it seems relentless. I get tired of the routines, the check ups, the meds, evaluations.I get it! I seriously get it, that life with a mental illness (not exclusive to bipolar) takes effort and self sustaining behaviour… and I’m grateful for that knowledge and the support system I have. It just sucks sometimes. And last night it was all a bit too much…
Did my parents almost call the ambulance on me…. yes … oh my haha… the sad reality is that they almost did. I escalated very quickly to a point that they had the phone in hand, and they were ready to make the call.But! I calmed down … I tried to sort thru my thoughts like I’ve been working on with Dr. L reminding myself that I did in fact have a life that I loved.enjoyed. I just had to breathe.
So this morning Dr.L called and we talked for an hour, he gave me his vote of confidence that if I decreased my meds I’d still manage this hiccup aside (his opinion has a high value in my life) and as an added bonus I recieved the email from my University giving me an alternative schedule! All my classes start at 10 am instead of 8 am… problem solved.
Ploy twist! And a lesson learned… I really need to have a bit more faith in my ability to succeed. I am the one who called my doctor and I am the one who sent that email. I was proactive and set up safety nets for me to catch myself and succeed. I didn’t need to lose my calm, but I’m human. So I will live, learn and move on.
One blip isn’t going to set me back and erase all the progress I’ve made. I have too much ahead of me to get caught up on the past. Onward we go!