That Awkward Moment

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Here’s some humor for your Friday. This picture always makes me laugh, her face; the explanation for her face, it’s too good!

I don’t how many times I’ve been the victim of this awkward moment. Waving at someone zealously only to realize that they wern’t even waving at me… one of lifes cruelest jokes. I still haven’t quite figured out how to smoothly cover up the awkwardness. Sometimes I attempt to run my hands thru my hair like “yeaaaa I wasn’t waving I was lifting my hand in a side to side  motion so that I could comb thru my hair easier….” Perhaps not the most believable story and I’m gonna guess the look on my face that mirrors this little girls is a dead give away.

Happy Friday Everyone! Hopefully you had a good laugh & hopefully you are spared of this awkwardness today!

– Steph

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Find A Little Freedom

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Read this quote… alright, read it again… and now read it one more time for good measure.

Now relax, sit back and allow yourself to savor every single word. I really want you to think about what you’ve just read; what this quote actually means. To me it means freedom and it means liberation!

I think and over think to a point where I can literally make myself sick. And more often than not I’m worrying about things I have absolutely no control over (can I get an AMEN! if you know what I’m talking about) So what has been my antidote to fight these turmetulous thoughts? Learning. Learning has seriously been my saving grace in life, and undoubtedly it can be one in yours as well.

Applying ourselves to different scenarios, exposing ourselves to different situations; this is living. This is what life’s about. This is exercise that our minds yearn for, not worrying incessantly.

Yesterday I was determined to be productive; challenging both my mental  and dexterous skill set. So what did I end up doing? I went to a pick n’ pull car yard! I am by no means a mechanic however, I did some research and I knew which parts I wanted to fix up my little beast of a car. (Beast in the sense that it’s a little car that keeps running even though it shouldn’t be.. it’s a 2003 Toyota Echo)

Generally speaking the parts were mostly cosmetic… visors and knobs however there was a side mirror I wanted to change and a hefty piece which involved me taking apart my passage door… the door stopped opening from the inside… due to some hardware mechanical problems involving latches and jazz…. sorry for that poor description.

Anywho, I was up for the challange, and wanted to feel good about passangers being able to escape from my car incase we ever got stuck on a railroad track with a train accelerating towards us… yes a wee bit dramatic BUT you never know!

So I went to the car junk yard, I hunted down old echo and I jumped in getting my hands dirty AND I loved every single minute of it! I honestly felt like I had stepped onto the set of “I ROBOT” or a random “end of the world” type movie where there are scavengers digging around haha… it was so awesome!

After I collected my treasures I went home and got to work. The cosmetic pieces and side mirror were a walk in the park to install (a man at the junk yard helped me get off the mirror, so I knew how to put it on) the side door took some time, patience and detective work.

The self satisfaction I felt from trying something new and learning something new – was priceless. There was no fear, worry or regret as a result of this learning experience. And the focus I had on the task at hand helped keep my useless worrisome thoughts at bay.

I love learning and I never really thought about why. But when I read this quote it really hit home. In a world plagued with worry, fear, and regret… learning remains untouched & untainted. It acts as a refuge that offers our minds rest and growth.

To live a life of learning, is truly living life. Happy adventures everyone. Try something new, remind yourself how truly capable you really are. And embrace the freedom learning truly offers.

** side note: the impressed look on my family’s faces and exclamation “you did this on your own??!” when I showed them my car all fixed up (door locking and opening)… was a pretty sweet bonus!

– Steph

– Steph

Stand Up Straight.

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Alrighty! So my post yesterday kind of hinted at the fact I was running around with my emotions like a chicken with it’s  head cut off. Not very fun or attractive, nor was it a necessary.

I’ve honestly always danced to my own tune. We’re talking wearing sweater vests when my peers were wearing brand names or wearing matching neon pants to a button up shirt that was covered in daisies. Or perhaps me buying loafers in the senior’s shoes section years before that trend hit mainstream  (seniors loafers are way more comfy just for the record) or perhaps as I read the dictionary on my way home from elementary school.

I didn’t worry about if people liked me because I liked myself. I was never much for “hanging out”, instead I liked flying solo working on different skill sets, striving to be well rounded (this was a goal since I was little… don’t ask me why)

I practiced and I studied so that I could become the best version of me, being confident in my pursuits and crafts. I like the notion of being dynamic. With that being said I never really dwelt or consumed myself with the worrisome thought “will they like me”

Perhaps moving around so much contributed to the desensitized approach of wanting to be liked so bad… who knows. NOW getting into the juicer segment of this topic. Why in the world was I in such a panic and disarray about this Mr.Mr liking me?!?

There was/is really no need for me to make myself sick over someone of interest. If I want to be in a relationship I WANT them to like me for me NOT someone I’m pretending to be. What in the world would be the point of that? Why should we feel insecure about ourselves and what we offer when it’s literally ourselves and what we offer. I wouldn’t want someone to like me if they wanted to change everything about me. That would be a whole lotta-lotta lame.

Additionally, we need to give ourselves some credit. We bring plenty to the table and if it’s not the right fit between the person of interest THEN we move on because there will be another person that does fit and wants us to be a part of their life in all of our glory!

I had to do a lot of talking with my family trying to sort thru and calm down my racing thoughts and emotions. But when it came down to it, I had a wake up call that it doesn’t matter at the end of the day if he seriously is not interested. What matters is that I’m okay with myself if he doesn’t. What matters is that I don’t let a single human being determine my value. My worth. Or dictate whether I’m happy with myself or not. (been there, done that!)

I am so happy with myself, I’ve been a work in progress especially since the last few years of my life have been incredibly rocky and volatile. Where I am now, compared to where I was & where I’m going in life. I am so proud of myself and happy with myself. And no one has the right to take that away. Nor do I have the right to give someone the power to take it away.

Sometimes we need a little reminder SO on that note; I implore you to recognize what you uniquely offer. You are a one of a kind, and it doesn’t matter if “they like you” it matters if you like yourself. Stand up straight, stay strong & stay confident.

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– Steph

Your Happiness. Your Center.

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I am a very passionate person. When I feel, I feel intensely whatever that particular feeling may be. It is to my greatest advantage and also my demise. My psychiatrist made the polite and funny comment that putting aside my bipolar I am very intense compared to most people. Another anology was that I’m like a Ferrari, I can go from 1 to 100… incredibly fast. So my psychologist and I have been customizing my “personal  handbook” so that I can navigate my speed better.(emphasis on I)

My mind is simple, yet it’s more complicated then you could ever imagine. When I approach a situation there is a straight forward solution in my mind, and therefore things should go a certain way. Simple right? No, it’s not. As much as I may see a simple route to obtain optimal results I am only in charge of myself. I can only act for myself and other people have their agency to act on their own. They bring in variables that I cannot control. This can be so frustrating! But it’s life. I can choose to accept it or let it dictate my happiness.

By all means, not knowing how everything will turn out brings excitement into our lives. Yet, it can also brings an unrealistic amount of anxiety. It brings a vulnerability that I detest. BUT I am working on accepting, because vulnerability means we are actually living.

Variables can never fully be accounted for. No matter how much you plan. No matter how straight forward the solution may seem to you. Things will go wrong or have hiccups. This leads me into the topic of what is your center?

Going back to the book I read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. The author Stephen Covey, made a brilliant point about our center. Often we fluctuate when things don’t go our way, we react, we break down, we devalue ourselves, we are filled with sorrow, regret … and so forth. Often these emotions can be prevented or at least the severity of these emotions can be prevented. How? By having the proper center.

How often does our centers revolve around a relationship? We want to make the other person happy so that it makes us happy; they are our world. Or perhaps with our career; we are on top of the world and we are successful we receive promotions, acknowledgment and awards, or maybe we got laid off and now we feel like the biggest loser ever. Perhaps our family is our center, we don’t act without thinking about how our family may judge us, or we don’t try new things because it’s too far from our family. Or maybe it’s friends, we live to be with our friends to have happiness by association, acceptance.

Yes, all of these centers have their notable appeal BUT they are all flawed. They are flawed because they are not grounded they can fluctuate and change. People come, people go, people die, and circumstances are never set in stone. Therefore those centers always cause a discourse within ourselves. The change and dependence causes an uproar of emotion good or bad. We lower our value or we question our capabilities.

So what should we have as our core center? What should we revolve around? Principles. Principles and Values. Honesty, integrity, hard work, empathy, love, kindness and so forth. Principles never change. They are steadfast and are exactly what we need to brace ourselves for the unknowing circumstances of life.

When we react based on emotions that revolve around people, it can be catastrophic BUT if we react to situations based on the values we have a chance to breathe and acknowledge that even though the situation whether it’s a pass or fail we still have value.

I fell victim last week on basing my happiness around the acceptance of a certain individual. I really wanted him to like and accept me, and my happiness was swept away by this outcome. And honestly I haven’t so unhappy with so much anxiety in a long time over another human. The confidence I have about myself and what I offer seemed to be annulled AND for what??! So that another person could dictate my value! I don’t think so! I have value that’s immeasurable, and so do you. And no single human or group of people have the right OR should be given the power (by you) to determine your worth.

I’ve been going over my core. The principles it has and I’ve been feeling more at peace. If this particular individual doesn’t want to be apart of my life, so be it. At least I can tell myself I was true to myself and therefore it’s for the best.

Don’t let your emotions consume you. Do a self check and remind yourself of the principles you are centered on AND don’t allow yourself to be blown all over the place by an thing or anyone. Live fully, love fully BUT recognize that by doing so we step into the unknown BUT we have our moral compass that will never abandon us when we need a change of direction.

– Steph

Going Up!

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This made me laugh, clearly I’ve been awake for the past 48 hours because people are dreaming of me. Yah, no. Thr reality is I miscalculated how many pills I still had so instead of having one more days worth… I was out completely. So guess who was up all last night???! Me!!! You guessed right, unless your answer was yourself … then you also guessed right if that was the case.

Oh the joys of not sleeping … sometimes it’s scary how awesome it can be. I cleaned my room, studied my spanish, worked on my interior design course, painted my nails, watched entertaining YouTube videos  (I highly recommend searching “Soul Mystique”… your mind will literally be blown!!!) I also picked an outfit for a special event taking place Friday …. that took me like 2 hrs all in its own… and then I drove my dad to the airport at 5 am so that my mom didn’t have to (she thought she was… little did she know I was lurking haha)

And as soon as I got home … I got the shakes haha I needed to sit, my stutter started to manifest itself whilst I tried to talk to my mom. My brain was going at 100miles/minute and yet my body started saying slow down… so I laid on my mom’s bed and we talked of life. I love those type of conversations. After we had our fill we went to go so some errands including grabbing my medication so I can sleep tonight. BUT more importantly we grabbed fresh blueberries & strawberries, I sincerely find joy in such silly things BUT fresh blueberries is definitely on the top of my list! Eventually we made our way home and my sister joined us with her two youngest boys.

So my afternoon was filled with giggles as my 2 year old nephew ran with nutmeg and I chasing the soccer ball & then we blew bubbles till I thought I’d pass out. It was just beautiful.

My youngest sister joined the party and she and I talked. She has one of the purest souls I’ve ever met. She has cared for me in my darkest times and her love has never wavered.

And then work, oh goodness! It was wonderful! The seniors I tend to and serve were as precious as they ever are and made me feel more loved and filled me with more laughter than I could have imagined on such a long day for me. I felt more energized than ever. I also carried a wonderful conversation with one of the women I work with about fitness and healthy body image… I love conversations pertaining to that as well. And to top it off when I went to finish the last of my work one of the gals had already finished it for me just to be sweet!

This post is long BUT I couldn’t help but share the happiness I felt today, on what could have seemed a long tiresome day I felt amazing and alive and filled with love! I hope your day was as wonderful or that it finds you tomorrow!

Go figure I also found another dog on my way home and was able to return him to his owner .

Have a good night by 42hrs is up and meds/sleep is calling me so I can own another jam packed day tomorrow!

– Steph

Don’t Lose With Love

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Love is incredible. Whether your being loved or you love someone. It’s one of the truest purest emotions I’ve ever felt in my life… and I’ve felt a lot of emotions. I love my family, I love my little Nutmeg, I love my friends. And in all honesty I love everyone that may sound like a cliche BUT it’s true, when you look at someone and think of their value, their individual worth and their story…. how could you not love them? (Does this love match the love offered to those closest to me? No, that’s on another level BUT it is possible to still care and sincerely want the best for all people because of love)

I don’t commit to people easily when it comes to friendships or relationships but when I do, I do. I don’t mess around or play mind games, plot or talk behind peoples back. Those are ugly traits and I’ve been exposed to them enough to know THAT I never want to subject someone else to that behavior. THAT is not love. When I love, I love fully because time’s precious and anything can change in a heart beat.

Yesterday I had a panic attack, I am getting better at not having them so frequently… I’m probably down to 1 or 2 per month. And even so they are not always severe BUT yesterday’s was a doozi. I was with my sister at an appointment, it was literally an all day event and at one point I received an unexpected call. Nutmeg was gone. My heart felt like it had been stabbed and I couldn’t breathe. Nutmeg is A. 4lbs B. Adorable C. Not wearing her city dog tag (it’s too big and she always gets her paw stuck in it) and it was just starting to storm, which gave me even more reason to panic (and yes in my head I was like why the heck did she get out outside just as thunder was coming she is terrified of thunder??!). She was out their all alone, anyone could find and take her forever and she hates storms… (Yes, I recognize that was me being pessimistic about people being honest and kind hearted.. which in situations like these I need to work harder at not doing)

One minute I was laughing the next minute I felt like I was dying. Love is so powerful which is why I will reiterate  love fully because you never know what could happen. Gratefully I was called within the hour that Nutmeg had been found… she was hiding and curled up behind my car tire (I honestly had been crying and hyperventilating the whole time… talk about getting a headache) I honestly had been praying in my heart and I do acknowledge Nutmeg being found was a blessing NOT luck. As well I couldn’t believe the kindess that was shown towards me – neighbour’s I didn’t even know were out looking for her, this acted as a reminder that I need to have more faith in the goodness of people.

Unfortunately the reality of life is that we are not always so fortunate as find what is lost. And because of this I imlpore you not take the ones you love for granted or rather don’t take sharing your love with then for granted. I have tried to live in a way that no matter what happens my family and friends know I love them. When I was 15 a hard reality hit me and since that moment I’ve tried to never leave without saying “I love you”, because quite frankly it could be the last time I get to. I’m human I get angry and I storm out because get I need to get air… but in those moments I always try to breathe and put real life into perspective (it’s fragile) this usually results in a grumpy “I love you”… but an “I love you” none the less.

Although I would have died on the inside had Nutmeg not been found, I did have the slightest piece of peace knowing I gave her a kiss on the head before I left, and she knows that she’s loved.

Life is so unpredictable and things happen beyond our control in the blink of an eye. But even so, we have a choice, we can choose to live in a way that the ones we love know without a doubt they are loved at all times, they don’t have to wonder. Make sure you let the people (or pets) in your life know that you love them. Don’t let simple opportunities pass you, only later to be filled with regret or remorse.

Time is not a certainty BUT love is and it’s yours to give, give it wisely, give it fully and give it honestly.

– Steph

Become Stronger, It’s as Easy as 123

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The other day I was having a conversation about compliments. I am a huge fan of offering sincere compliments, I think that they bring out the best in both the person who receives and the person who offers.

Magnifying people strengths, and building them up as opposed to tearing them down…. now that takes true strength and confidence. It’s so easy to get caught up on imperfections… society has made it a mission to point out the most minuet flaws a person could possibly have. It’s condemned aging, and tries to continually sell the concept that “we can’t possibly be happy in the skin we are in… you need to do this or that, buy this or that AND then you can maybe be happy living with yourself.”

Compliment. Defy society’s cruel unyielding attempt to make us weak, feeling less than beautiful because we are flawed. Compliment, and break the concept of us being in a competition with the unknowing person beside us. It’s not a competition, and when you compliment and see the beauty in another person, you yourself become that much more beautiful.

Beauty starts from the inside and manifest itself outwardly. When we see beauty instead of everything that’s “wrong” we start to approach people and life so differently. Be confident enough that you can magnify others, AND be confident enough that you can receive compliments. Before we even hit 3 seconds we generally brush deny a compliment. It’s a fact. So next time someone offers a compliment don’t reply right away… breathe count to 3 and then say thank you. Don’t put  yourself down when someone just lifted you up. There is nothing wrong with saying thank you. It’s not being full of your self. It’s taking pride in your self.

Everyone has weaknesses, and we can all work to improve them without being put down.

Sometimes it’s a challange finding the good in people but the more often you do it, the easier it will become. I guarantee you will find more love in your heart then you ever thought possible.

Take the challange to look for the good, and literally express the good to people.

Happy Monday!
– Steph