What to Say

I don’t feel “depressed”, I don’t feel “anxious”, I don’t feel “unhappy”, yet I feel a sense of emptiness. I feel like I have no motivation to start or finish anything –
I have a tons of things I could be doing during this time of quarantine yet I am complaining I’m bored … because I’m not doing anything because I have no desire to. Heck! I’m working from home so I even have an additional 3 hrs in my day because I am not commuting.

What to do?!

That’s another thing, I apologize for not posting. I’ve had ever intention to write and post, alas I have not had the motivation to. Perhaps I am lowkey depressed. I have things swirling thru my mind yet I’m incapable of formulating sentences. The times I have attempted to write I’ve scrapped the content because it was garbage. I am not even the biggest fan of this post BUT I know I need to let you know I’m still here – I just have writers block.

I feel like I’m on the brink of feeling happy, yet that emptiness is so prevalent. I feel stuck. Perhaps, this quarantine and isolation is doing more to my psyche than I realized.

On a positive note, a perk of working from home is I get to spend the full day with my dog Nutmeg and I’m pretty sure she is enjoying me being with her 24/7 considering she’s on my lap all day and showers me with kisses non-stop. #blessed

Everyone keep your chin up, this is a trying time in our lives but we will get thru it. I feel a bit discombobulated and I think that is why my mood is so hard to pinpoint.

I’ll try to gather my thoughts and compose something a little more insightful next week.

– Steph

News Flash

I don’t generally post two Bipolar Gains posts a week, however I’ve had a change of heart and wanted to share because my last post was pretty negative AND that does not embody the journey of self-love that I’m on as I try to be the HEALTHIEST VERSION OF MYSELF (key word – HEALTHIEST). Sometimes it’s so easy to get hyper-focused on one detail and it takes away from the whole experience.

I am no longer going to weigh myself – atleast not once a week. Maybe once a month or every 6 weeks, I’ll find a balance. I will take progress photos at the beginning of each month and measure BUT that blasted number is NOT going to ruin my happy vibe. I have seriously been getting so caught up with the fact my weight has stayed the same with all the effort I’ve been putting in that I have lost sight of how good I actually do feel in my skin. How confident I am wearing my outfits.

Maybe 155 lbs is not in my deck of cards BUT maybe being a size 9 is – even if I do weigh 170 lbs. The point is WHO CARES! I sure as heck need to stop caring about what I weigh. When I started this segment on my blog, I specifically said I didn’t want to focus on the number and with weight watchers that is a MAJOR CON because I weigh in every week with huge expectations on myself to see a lower number. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE NUMBER! I need to emphasize that for you and me!

From my highest weight I am down around 28 lbs – great. But how I see myself is so much more important than the figure I see on the scale. It’s an accomplishment, I don’t want to take away from that BUT I do want to remind myself that I am so much more than a number and even at my biggest I deserved to love myself and even now where I’m at, how I look, whether it is my ideal physique or NOT – I deserve to love myself.

Enjoy the journey, don’t get deterred because the “number”, is not what you envision for yourself. Trust the process, trust your body to change positively as you change your active lifestyle positively AND love and respect your body along the way. You can’t hate yourself into sustainable enjoyable change. That’s something I needed to hear again.

Happy vibes my friends.

– Steph

Frustrated is an Understatement

To say I’m frustrated is an understatement. I weighed in at 171.4 lbs, which means I’ve gone up in weight – but who cares. Honestly, I am fluctuating between 169 and 172 and I over it (but not actually). I know I said it wasn’t about the number BUT when I’m working out and eating clean for 85/15 then why the heck aren’t I seeing the number drop.

Sure, clothes are fitting better BUT I feel like I look EXACTLY the same as at the beginning of February end of January… and it’s really no surprise considering my stats haven’t changed. I am not even close to where I want to be at the end of my journey and yet my body is rejecting the change I’m trying to create.

If I’ve ever felt like saying “whatever” and throwing the towel in – this is it. I’m just so FRUSTRATED.

How can 170 be my comfortable natural weight? It’s obviously not BUT I can’t get lower, what will it take? Starvation? Not that I’d go there as tempting as it might be.

It is what it is. I’ll keep going to the gym, I’ll keep eating clean. And I’ll just be grateful my clothes fit and look good.

As for stats, aside from my weight I dont have anything, I threw the measuring tape once I saw that my first measure was the same as last week. I know, I know …. I was what we would call having a tantrum BUT I am not even ashamed; just frustrated.

Happy Monday everyone.

– Steph

A Few More Hours in My Day

Holy Cow!

I have been trying to find a rhythm with work, gym and life in general and I’m not sure that I’ve been succeeding as I’ve failed to seriously blog the past while.

Work has been going really good so far, it is pretty low key and low stress, which is great! I start at a later time, which let’s me sleep in longer and the commute has been pretty good. It has just been a matter of finding balance with the remaining hours of the day once I get home with respects to accomplishing what I want to accomplish.

My spanish studies are on hold. I’ve decided I’m going to enroll in classes when the time comes to commit. For now I am focusing on shona. The national language of Zimbabwe (where my husband is from). I have to say I LOVE THE LANGUAGE at least what I know so far, which isnt a lot BUT I can read the words to pronounce and spell them – it’s a start. I have started flashcards, so now it’s a matter of memorizing some phrases and words so I can compose sentences next. We want to go to Zimbabwe in 2021 and I want our kids to speak shona when they come into the picture. I think learning a second language is super beneficial and allows you to feeling more connected to your heritage.

I have been having a lot of fun learning shona with my husband, he has been a really good sport and indulges me with 1-3 hr sessions a week where I pick his brain. I’m not sure if he’s loving it BUT I love sharing the time with him especially because it has to do with learning about his native tongue.

Aside from that, some personal projects are on the go.

One thing that I want to do is a review on some facial products that I bought. I really want to get back into focusing on me and doing face masks once a week like I was doing routinely in my former city BUT I want to add the extra frills of toners, serums and moisturizers to see where I can really take my skin. There is a drug store brand named Pixie and I bought a few products, they were reasonably priced in my opinion and so I’m excited to see if they make a difference. I’ve taken some before photos of my face to show my skin and I’d like to see the difference in 3 months.

In addition to doing a skin care regiment religiously I want to take biotin everyday for skin, nails and hair. I snapped a photo of my hair length and I am happy with it BUT it wouldn’t hurt to see it get longer. I just want to continue with the theme of being physically healthy. And that means your entire body – skin is the largest organ of the human body. I think I should be doing more than the bare minimum. I’ve been trying to go more minimalistic with my esthetic (as mentioned in a former post) and I really want to feel confident in my skin without makeup and lately my skin has been freaking out SO minimal make-up has not been the case. All I think it needs is a little TLC – some consistency and some proactive care.

I’ll let you know at the end of my experiment and I’ll list the products used. My skin is generally dry, however for a random period of time I looked extra slick! Super annoying. However, now that it’s dry again I have to be conscious of looking dull and like I’m a snake shedding a layer of skin – gross I know. That is where my exfoliating face masks and personal micro dermabrasion tool comes in. We will see.

Sorry this post is more of an update than anything…again I’m trying to find my rhythm. It’s terrible, but I haven’t even been playing my guitar. I think I need a few more hours in the day!

– Steph

Let’s Try This Again

Okay, it is the beginning of March and I should have progress photos to share. Sorry to disappoint but I never had time to get them done. However, I can assure you I look the exact same as February.

My stats are as follows:

Heaviest Weight: 198lbs
Goal Weight: 155lbs

Jan 1/2020 Weight: 172.2 lbs
Feb 1/2020 Weight: 169.6 lbs
Current Weight: 170.6 lbs

Measurements

Jan 1/2020 Bust: 40″
Feb 1/2020 Bust: 40″
Current Bust: 39″

Jan 1/2020 Waist: 32″
Feb 1/2020 Waist: 31″
Current Waist: 31″

Jan 1/2020 Hips: 42.5″
Feb 1/2020 Hips: 42″
Current Hips: 41.5″

So as you can see I’m up a pound, this is most annoying. I have not been able to break away from 169-172 for the past 4 weeks at minimum. I think I need to be laser focused on my nutrition for the month of March. The last few weeks I’ve been off the wagon a bit. Inconsistent gym time based on injury and holidays. The recipe for stagnant weight and inches lost.

I’m going to keep trying though, move forward in March and see what I can do. Unfortunately, my gym routine with my sister is seemingly coming to an end. It is just not working with my new work schedule. We can’t coordinate a time that works for me and my sleep and her having someone to watch her kids so we can go earlier.

This week I’ll be attempting working out during my lunch break at work. We have access to a beautiful gym for free, so I want to take advantage of it. I will be doing cardio in the evenings on Mon, Wed and Fri for 20-30 minutes and my sister and I will keep going to aquafit on Thurs.

I am hoping to get back in the swing of things and hopefully break into the 165 zone. I know it’s possible. It is just going to require a bit of extra work and attention to detail.

Happy workouts everyone. When you hit a wall dont stop, climb over or walk around BUT keep going. I know it will be worth it when I see how far I’ve come at the 9 month mark of my journey.

– Steph

Bumps In The Road

So life throws curve balls sometimes or if we want to be a bit more dramatic we can say wrenches. My shoulder(s), primarily my right shoulder have been acting up like CRAZY! It hurt to sleep, to hold things in my hands, to grip things in general. It was blatantly painful with no beating around the bush.

That being said, life happened as well, I went away for the long weekend and as a result of the above noted, my gym routine suffered.

Pain is no joke. I’ve learned the hard way that you do not push through pain. There is a difference between pain and discomfort from soreness or exertion. Push through those BUT not pain, otherwise you could do more damage.

I’ve rested essentially with minimum use of weights the past two weeks. If I lifted it was between 5-10 lbs which is a far cry from what I usually lift. But you do what you gotta do.

I’m hoping and looking forward to going back consistently with serious workouts… I just hope and pray my body obliges.

Stats time!

Heaviest Weight: 198lbs
Goal Weight: 155
Current Weight: 169.6

Measurements:

Bust: 39.5″
Waist: 30.5″
Hips: 41.5″

Shockingly I’m down in the stats department – I’ll take it!

Some bumps in the road lately, but my eyes are on the prize and I’ll keep heading in the direction I know will get me to it, even if I go inch-by-inch.

– Steph

Endless Possibilities

I’m not manic, but I’m feeling pretty darn good.

This week I started my new job, and might I say, I’ve made it to the big leagues my friends!

This firm is beautiful! It’s massive and everyone I’ve met has been so welcoming, which gives me good feels. 3 associates that I’ll be working with invited me for lunch. I’m a little nervous, but I think it will be a nice icebreaker. The Senior Partner that I am directly assisting seems like a nice man… again I’m getting good vibes.

When I was contemplating applying for this position I was really getting into my own head. I was excited about the firm, the area of law I would be working in (intellectual property…. how cool right?!?) and the challenge it would offer my career BUT then came the doubt.

I doubted my ability to commute, my ability to work for a senior partner, my ability to fit in one of the largest international firms of Canada, and my ability to learn a new area of law.

I was building walls around myself with limits I was inadvertently placing on myself with the “challenges” I was telling myself I would face. So, what did I do? I applied anyways and told myself I’d give it my all and if it was meant to be – it would be.

After submitting my resume I received a phone call, which resulted in a 20 minute over the phone interview. I was then contacted about a week later and invited to do a in-person interview. The nerves were real! I was so excited for the interview but was incredibly anxious… I literally scratched my legs to the point that I broke blood vessels (I scratch when I’m anxious, terrible habit).

So the 2nd interview took place with 2 personnel. The head of HR and an assistant. As soon as I sat down I felt a surge of confidence, how or why? I can easily say it was an answer to a prayer. I thought the interview went great. However, following our meeting I was asked to do an assessment on Microsoft Word, Excel and PowerPoint. Let me just say the letter I read was probably the most complex letter I’ve ever seen and my objective was to proof read. YIKES!

After I left the assessment I felt deflated, I sincerely felt like I bombed the proof reading portion. However, shockingly I was asked for a 3rd interview! This time when I entered the room there were 3 associates, the Senior Partner and HR staring at me. I answered all the questions confidently with my legs vibrating under the table. Again, I wasn’t quite sure I made the cut, there were some pretty intense questions.

Surprise, surprise after that entire process they offered me the position! And HR said my assessment was incredible, they said that my proof reading caught errors that weren’t even in their answer key! Talk about a shocker!

Ultimately, I was challenged every step of the way to attain this position. However, with each challenge I surprised myself with my composure in the trenches. I also learned I need to give myself a little more credit for what I offer as an assistant. When I was offered the job I was told that “ everyone was impressed by me.” By me! Can you believe that??

Can you imagine if I would have settled with the limits I was justifying in my head. If I would have limited myself because of the challenge applying for this position posed? I would have missed out on an amazing job offer from a firm that thinks I am worth investing in!

Surprisingly enough I wasn’t even nervous going into my first day of work this week. I think the intense interview process made me realize I am more than enough to fulfill and excel in this role. I bring skills and value to this role and I’m going to own it!

As I sat in the training the past few days, I’ve grown more and more confident and more and more excited. There is so much potential to learn, grow and shine in my role and I’m ready for it.

I really want to go into 2020 shedding limits I put on challenges and take as much opportunity as possible to challenge the limits I have in place (that need to break). We are our only limit when it comes to what we can accomplish, when it comes to our confidence, and when it comes to our growth. I want to burst through my self-imposed limits and face new challenges and grow a little more with each and every single one.

I encourage you to look at yourself with a little more confidence, look at yourself with a little more love and encouragement that YOU CAN OVERCOME CHALLENGING THINGS, and not just overcome but THRIVE.

Take that leap of faith to do something that you might think is out of your comfort zone and you just may be amazed at what opportunities unfold.

– Steph